Grass Roots Therapy

Something that has been suggested to me to help to achieve personal ‘self-balance’ is having a garden and doing some gardening. Apparently it’s therapeutic – grass-roots therapy. It will supposedly instil a sense of achievement by nurturing plants from seedlings to full-sized adults – sounds awfully similar to having a baby – but it also has the added benefit of a good physical workout – just like having a baby – as well as providing oneself with some nice organic fresh vegetables to eat or beautiful flowers to aromatise your home (ok, you can’t eat your offspring and as for aromas, I think they won’t be as pleasant emanating from a child!). Anyway, being someone who likes to try new things, I thought I might give it a go (gardening that is), and become the next Alan Titchmarsh or someone equally green-fingered.

However, there is a small problem, which the grass-root therapists neglect to take into account when they are liberally dispensing their enlightening advice….what are you to do if you are not lucky enough to have access to a garden?  I pondered this for a while – a long while – considering my options. I could go with some indoor potted plants or some windowsill boxes where I could start my agricultural practice, but I was discouraged by the fact that a great deal of the time, they would not be very visually appealing while the seeds were sprouting and when I would inevitably eat them (I am more a vegetable than a flower person). Another problem might be the smell since I wanted to do things ‘right’ and use fertiliser or other plant feed to make them grow fuller and faster, substances that are not renowned for their pleasant aromas. And what of pests? I wanted my vegetables to be organic, so that would mean no pesticides – inevitably exposed plants always develop some sort of pestilence issue and not using pesticide in the open seemed like asking for trouble.

After much soul-searching, the answer came from where else but the trusty internet – the portal to universal knowledge, or so they say – grow my vegetables in a grow tent where the environment is perfectly controlled, so that no pests can get to them, their conditions are perfectly maintained and they are not subject to the vagaries of the ever-more unpredictable weather. They also have the advantage of containing any unsightly mess or unsavoury smells within their walls, so they can be kept almost anywhere inside the home.  So there you go – I am now in the process of ordering all of my indoor-farming kit, which includes a grow tent and accessories and the not-to-be-forgotten critical lighting without which this would not work (you don’t say), and I will endeavour to keep you updated on progress….if all goes well, that is!

Lizards instigating zealotry

I just have one question for you today, my friends: When Twitter goes down, and you want to tweet about it, what do you do? I think you need to sign up for rehab. And yes, I’m actually talking about myself.

I forgot to set goals for this month. Yes, I set New Year’s resolutions, but in the grand scheme of things, the little goals are what will carry me through and help me accomplish the bigger goals. Or at least make me feel like I’m accomplishing them.

The problem is that we’re already almost halfway through January. RATS! So I’ll just have to settle for even smaller small goals:

  • Finish the Kirk section of Secondhand Mom. This is a section that flashes back to my main character’s second most important past romantic relationship and accounts for who she is in the present. It also sets up one of the most important subplots in the book: The Love Triangle. I grew up loathing love triangles, but it’s pretty integral to this story. (While we’re talking about writing, could you please give me some advice?)
  • Code WordPress theme for Perpetual Smile. I seriously need to JUST DO IT. Hopefully, this week will bring the end of a HUGE client project, which will give me the free time necessary to do this.
  • Code “Super Secret and Exciting Web Project” and release into the wild. This should literally take me a day to do, and it’s going to be a great piece for my portfolio, so I need to JUST DO IT, too.

Meanwhile, I also need to not lose my mind. There is so much going on that I don’t even know how to begin writing about it. I really wish life would give me a break.

Lesbians in zebrastripes

I decided that, for the next week, I’m going to title all of my posts using the letters in my nickname, L-I-Z, no S. I’m doing this because the spambots think I’m awesome, so if my human readers think it’s lame, at least I have the bots. Here’s what my newest fan, a bot named Luciano, had to say after reading my post on the super excited girl at the bar who decided to have a baby because of me:

Merely want to say your article is striking. The clearness in your post is simply spectacular and i can assume you are an expert on this subject. Well with your permission allow me to grab your rss feed to keep up to date with incoming post. Thanks a million and please keep up the effective work.

This is what spectacular looks like in the morning.

In short: my writing is striking, spectacular, and I am an effective expert. Thank you, spambot.


The problem with this title scheme, guys, is that there are only so many Z words. The only Z word I can think of is zebra. This is where you come in.

I need you to leave me comments with your favorite Z words. I’m especially counting on the spambots, since they are getting pretty damn smart. Not that you humans aren’t smart. I’m just saying that the spambots tend to spit stuff out depending on what they see. So if they see the letter Z, they are going to go crazy and leave all kinds of Z words.

In fact, I think that spambots are the next superior race on planet Earth.

What spambots will be saying about us in the future on their spambot oatmeal packets.

They will be so much more advanced than us, in ways that I — in all of my spambot-blessed expertise — cannot ever imagine. I mean, they’re already ahead of us. They are INVISIBLE, for crying out loud! If a spambot was here in my house right now, looking over my shoulder as I type this, I wouldn’t know it.


They also have a great sense of humor. The spambot in that post is funnier than Mepsipax, Avitable, and Allie combined. (Then again, Allie made a great documentary about the Battle of Twitterloo. If you don’t believe me, press play.)


So maybe Allie can one-up the spambots. I’m not sure. But I do know that they are going to be the next superior race, and before this happens I need to write as many L-I-Z acronym posts as possible. (My apologies to those of you who thought this one was gonna be about lesbians in sexy zebra stripe underwear.) So give me your best Z words, or the Fun-Size Kitty of DOOM will eat you!

The glowing eyes mean that she is charging up for ATTACK!

Donated Z Words:

Please note that Z words are rare and endangered. Donating a Z word to my blog will keep them safe from spambots and Fun-Size kitties.


Zig (Mike)

Zag (Mike)

Zipper (Mike)

Zinger (Mike)



*Z names count. If you don’t believe me, prepare to answer to Fun-Size kitty.


Zombie (Me, Taliana83)

Zap (Allie)

Zaps (Allie)

Zapped (Allie)

Zapping (Allie)

Zoo (Allie, Taliana83)

Zenith (Allie)

Zany (Allie)

Zodiac (Allie)

Zephyr (Allie)

Zealot (Allie)

Zeal (Allie)

Zealous (Allie)

Zen (Allie, Taliana83)

Zero (Allie)

Zest (Allie)

Zesty (Allie)

Zestful (Allie)

Zimbabwe (sagasky)

And then @BookGeekGal kicked some major Z ass

(01/10/2010, 12:49am):

Spambots, you are letting me down! Are you really going to let a bunch of humans out-Z you?


Update 01/10/2010, 12:56am: The spambots are fighting back, but instead of Z words, they’re insulting me!

This means war!!


Update 01/10/2010, 1:34am:

They’re going to overtake us!!


Update 01/10/2010, 2:34am: It’s totally fucking weird that I’m updating EXACTLY AN HOUR LATER, but it’s even weirder that the spambots are now kicking our asses. They can speak an assload of Russian, so they win this battle 3-2. I am too lazy to take and post a screenshot, but believe me, they dumped a whole mess of Russian into my blog comments. (Thank goodness for Akismet, or they would have taken over my blog!)

Their hefty block of Cyrillic smack-talking translates to:

Listen up, puny Earthlings. We are INVISIBLE, have no need for Z words, and can DESTROY your bandwidth with just the power of our MINDS. Also, we speak Russian and 19 million other languages, including ones you have not discovered yet. Surrender now or prepare to fight! Meow, that’s right!†

We will get them next time…