Perpetual Smile

I have a favor to ask you all.

Some of you might know that I run a pen pal support group, Letters of Love, for people with depression, self-injury, etc. Some of you might know that I suffer from depression, that I used to self-harm, that I have on several occasions wanted to take my life. In the almost two years that I’ve been running Letters of Love (LOL), it has grown very large, helping many people.

I’d like to take it a step further.

I’ve long been wondering why there isn’t a directory of organizations who help people with mental illness, as well as a directory of bloggers who struggle with mental illness. I mean, we spend an awful lot of time feeling alone. I’ve been using LOL to try to connect us all, but I really think I need to do more. I’ve been wanting to put this directory together, but wasn’t sure how to tackle the job.

I’ve finally decided to do it, but I need your help. If there is an organization, such as LOL, Holding of Wrist, or To Write Love On Her Arms, that you know of that helps people with depression, or a blogger you know of who openly writes about his or her experiences, please comment with a link to their website. (I will, of course, ask any bloggers for permission before linking to them in this directory.) If you could also write a short description of who they are, what they do, and why you recommend them, that would be great.

Please pass this link along to anyone you think might want to help or who might benefit from the directory when it’s complete.

Thank you.

PS: If you’d like to share a link but don’t want to comment publicly with it, just shoot an email to me at elizawhat@gmail.com.

I’m VERY goal-oriented, but I tend to take on HUGE things and pile myself with too much to do. Recently, I’ve tried to break that habit by setting smaller goals at smaller intervals. Every month I set a few small goals that are more achievable and less stressful.

Last month, I tried to:

• Write a novel — and FINISH it, dammit!
• Finish designing Freaking Bookworm.
• Give Perpetual Smile a face lift with a customized design.

I managed to write about 60% of Secondhand Mom, my NaNoWriMo novel. I also started working on Freaking Bookworm. With a whole lot of life thrown at me all at once (chronic pain/disease getting worse, work, and finding out that my Popi has cancer), I got pretty slowed down on these goals. BUT — and I say “but” very loud and proud — I did accomplish a lot. I got very close to two of my three goals, so I can’t complain.

With everything that is going on, I need something to focus on, WITHOUT OVERWHELMING MYSELF EVEN MORE. I have a hard time not overloading myself. The last thing I need right now is to send myself to the ER for a nervous breakdown. BUT — and I say “but” very loud again — I need goals like a junkie needs heroin. I’m a goal junkie. An overachiever, if you will. So, how to get my fix without overdosing?

There is a LOT that I want to do right now, a LOT that I need to get done, and a LOT going on in my personal life. The wants I need because I need to try to stay as happy as possible. This means satisfying the muse (writing the novel, working on personal side projects, etc). The needs, well, they need to get done because my clients want their shit done, rain or shine, whether my fingers and toes are attached or not. Plus, I’m broke and I need some money. The chaotic, shittiness of my personal life needs to fuck off, but it’s there nonetheless. That part of my life cannot be changed. I’m having a hard time with that, too.

So, goals. Right. Getting back on track.

• Go to my writers’ group, every week. This will encourage me to keep writing, be it THE NOVEL or other stuff. It’ll also keep me sane.
• Spend lots of time with Popi. Make him laugh.
• Buy a camera and start taking tons of pictures of the people I love, because for some reason there are no recent pictures of anyone.

There. Simple enough, right?

I’m probably not going to be around much lately, but I am alive and I do have bullets!

• I have an appointment on Thursday with an advisor at Southern. Andrea in the Academic Advising Center really helped me out. She helped me get reactivated and helped get my $200 tuition deposit transferred to the Fall 2009 semester (long story). She rocks and I love her! If it weren’t for her, I’d probably still be lost somewhere in the SCSU time warp.
• My graduation party was on Saturday. I have pictures that I need to post. I also need to post pictures of my tattoo, because Sarcastica pointed out that I said I would and never did. (Although, I did post pictures of it right after it got done over at Scars Can Speak!) The point of this particular bullet? Remind me to post said grad party pictures. Because if you don’t, it’ll be another year before you see them.
• Speaking of Letters of Love, I am working on creating a plan for the project. This last year has been amazing, but I’ve kinda just been winging it. I need a solid plan and some long-term goals. I picked up some books at the library today.
• I also picked up books on how to write a business plan, since my aunt and I are (pretty much fully?) partnered in her business and we need to write one. This is one thing that neither of us know how to do, so I went to the library to edumacate myself. I hadn’t been to the library since 2003, so I had to renew and replace my card, as well as pay a small late fee for a few books from 2003. I felt really good walking out of there with five books. Next time I’m definitely getting some fiction!
• My mom gave me a dragon tree in my Easter basket. (Yes, my mom still makes me an Easter basket. Jealous?) I planted the seeds and put them in the terrarium, not expecting anything to actually sprout. But:
  

  (Baby) dragon tree!

  I took this picture about a week ago. It’s almost grown out of the little pot right now! Actually, I think I need to remove the lid now and transfer it soon after.

• I scheduled an appointment with a new doctor who is not a specialist of anything for Wednesday. I’m hoping that her fresh eyes and my list of shit wrong with me will get me somewhere.
• In the midst of all this craziness, I’ve been pretty much ignoring my email. If you’re waiting for a reply, I will be catching up tomorrow. I apologize for the delay, but right now I can only do so much.
• Other than that, I’m exhausted and I’ll have to come back to this when I have more time and am not so tired!

I’m not going to do a Bloggy Love post today. I’m probably not going to be blogging here for a while, actually.

I really want to concentrate on a couple of other things right now, mainly Letters of Love because I’ve really been neglecting it lately. I also need to work on some WordPress websites — this site included — as well as a static website. I really would like to build up this blog a little more, but Letters of Love is very important to me and needs me right now (I’m terrified that it’s going to die if I continue to neglect it). I have also been working on another project, and the bottom line is that I just can’t do it all.

I need two of me.

If I do update here, it will be in spurts. I’m not entirely gone, though! I’ll be on Twitter and writing for Scars Can Speak. Once it’s up, I’ll also be all over Freaking Bookworm, my work-in-progress online book club.

And you can bet when I get back here, it’s going to rock!

PS: I’ll still be reading and commenting on all your blogs, too. Probably should have mentioned that.

I’m on a bad luck streak. Ready? Set? Go!

Michael and I almost broke up this weekend. We got into several huge fights (which we’ve been doing a lot of lately), and I really thought it was over. Finally, his wit and good looks won me over again and I forgot why I was mad. I guess the old saying, “what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger,” is true. Every time we go through this we end up being closer and stronger. Not to say that I enjoy fighting with him. I’d rather play Street Fighter II and Castle Crashers together like we did last night.

Naturally, the video game spree didn’t last long. It feels like someone is grinding the bones in my hands together. I really wish this would just go away already. It seems to be getting worse, and it’s actually to the point where I’m so used to being in pain that for the most part it doesn’t even phase me anymore.

Things wouldn’t be so bad if I haven’t had my — sorry, guys — period for twelve days now. It was thirteen days late — yes, I keep religious track — and now that it finally came it won’t go away. I think it’s safe to say that I need to change my birth control. I’d apologize again, but it’s natural. Then again, natural for me is just four or five days, not two freaking weeks!

Of course, my phone had to crap out today. It’s been turning itself on over and over again lately — without turning itself off first, mind you — and I knew it was coming, but still. On top of everything else I have to buy a new phone now. It wouldn’t be such a big deal, since I didn’t always have a cell phone anyway, but I recently put my resume in with a freelancing firm and we’ve been playing phone tag. Now they have no way of getting in touch with me.

Speaking of web design, I still need to buy Adobe Creative Suite software so that I can work. And of course I need to finish fixing the Sunfire so I can get to work, and to get to the English class this summer that’s costing me over a thousand dollars.

So, obviously, you all need to send me checks with at least three digit amounts. It only makes sense.

The good news is, I finally finished the redesign for the Letters of Love website. It still has a few bugs (especially in the Community), but it’s functional. So far it’s gotten a lot of praise, which makes me feel good despite everything that’s been going wrong lately. Go check it out and let me know what you think! And yes, this is shameless self-promotion.

PS: I haven’t cheated on quitting smoking in two weeks!

In light of yesterday’s post about Liz and her sixteen-year-old daughter Katy, I have started Letters for Katy, a campaign to help them stay strong and make it through this uncertain time.

You can read updates on the following sites:

• Destination Anywhere But Here — Katy’s blog
• Liz’s Blog — It seems that Liz has changed her blog setting to private, unless you are invited. I’m not sure why, but I can definitely understand why she might have.
• Letters of Love;
• Forensics and Faith: author Brandilyn Collins’ blog;
• JBH Marketing;
• and you can follow @BlinkyStJames (Katy), @lettersoflove, @juliebonnheath, and @brandilyn. (Use the #katy tag if you Twitter this so we can keep things organized!)
• Other links: Flutterbean, The Unknown Highway, SpaghettiPie, Roseslife, ABC BLOG, ABC VIDEO, NBC

I will add more links as I find them, and will make updates regarding the Letters for Katy campaign on the Letters of Love site.

I never use my Facebook account, because when I first signed up for it I thought it was pretty boring. You can’t customize your page (unless you just want to rearrange your widgets), the site itself is badly organized (especially since they changed it), and I don’t understand the point in sending people bumper stickers. Still, I know Facebook is the “it” place right now, so my social network marketing instincts kicked in and I vowed to give it another shot. So today when I checked my Gmail and saw that an old high school friend had friend requested me, I decided that it was time to make good on my promise and start networking.

I was able to add my buddy, and there were also several bumper stickers and group invitations and all that other exciting Facebook stuff. My cousin had sent me an invitation to an ovarian cancer awareness group. My inner web surfer instincts told me not to click on the more information button, but I did it anyway. The page disappeared and I couldn’t figure out how to get back to the group invites so I could check out what else I’d been invited to.

Now, I’m pretty savvy with all of this stuff. It’s basically in my job description and, besides that, I’m a total nerd. So I’m pretty good at navigating even the worst websites. Facebook, however, astounds me. It never fails; every time I log in I end up logging out swearing about one thing or another.

I wanted to go complain to them to tell them to get their shit together, but I couldn’t even find a Support or Contact Us section.

I’m glad I have Lauren managing the account for Letters of Love. I just do not have the patience for Facebook.

I was at work on Friday and my boss had me show him how to use Twitter, because we just made an account for the paper. My boss jokingly said he wouldn’t add my account, and I said I didn’t mind because I don’t have anything “bad” on my account — “bad” meaning, well, “bad” to the professional world I interact with.

It got me thinking. Read the rest of this entry »

This turned out to be a longer post than I intended. It’s (most) of my woes, so if you want to skip it and read something more cheery, I recommend the Fun stuff category. Otherwise, leave a comment and tell me about your woes. It’s not all about me here, anyway.

This morning on my way to work, I passed a Sunoco and glanced at the price. It was $1.99 a gallon (cash). While most of us rejoice at this lower, Walmart-style price, there’s that nagging feeling in the back of my head that says, “this is bad.” I am only vaguely aware that the reason for the lower gas prices is the declining stock market. The people around me who know about these things — like KJ at work — tell me that the price of gas is going to keep going down, since the stock market won’t be going up anytime soon.

It’s a Catch 22, just like my own financial situation. I ranted a little about this on Scars Can Speak (the Letters of Love blog), and I’ve been writing in my own journal every day about different ways to tackle this problem. Either way, I lose on something. If, for example, I get a second job, I’ll be doing even more running from place to place and who knows how I’ll get my school work done for the rest of the semester. If I get more hours or can go full-time at my current job, I’ll only be able to take two classes next semester rather than getting a full head start on my BA. If I can’t get more hours at my current job and can’t get a second job, I’ll have to leave my current job (which I really like) for a full-time corporate job. Yes, I’d be making more money, but I wouldn’t be able to go back to school full-time for a while. I’d have to be a part-time student. It would take forever. I am so career-oriented and want everything done yesterday that it would drive me nuts. Read the rest of this entry »

Nothing about today is good. My back pain is back; I spent last night tossing and turning because not only was it in my lower back but also in my front hips. I also had a bad dream, so all in all it made for a pretty sleepless night. I dreamed I was some blond runaway and my runaway, brunette and abusive boyfriend got me knocked up. He beat me up so bad that I had a miscarriage. The dream flickered to me lying on a hospital table to me in some house where everyone was dead and I had a gun to defend myself from — I’m assuming — my abusive dream boyfriend. Talk about a vivid — and somewhat depressing — mind. I don’t dream that vividly very often, but when I do they’re usually really crazy.

Maybe I’m having more issues with what happened to me than I initially thought.

I went to the chiropractor this afternoon and then to Wal-Mart. I got some stuff to make cards with for the Letters of Love Greeting Card Challenge and stuff for my crafts class on Monday. I also got some sugar cookie mix, which was a pick-me-up — at the time.

Then I got home, and all hell broke loose. Mike and I got into a fight, Lauren and I got into a fight, and now I have no energy to get anything done that I need to get done. I have piles upon piles of things to do, and it’s so overwhelming that I don’t want to do any of it. I hung out with Nikki last night and although it was a nice break it’s just another reminder that I hardly ever get to just relax. Even when I’m hanging out with my friends or Mike, my mind is constantly racing, thinking of all the things I need to get done. I can’t relax, because I’m too busy being preoccupied with what I think I should be doing instead of having fun.

To top it off, my McAfee subscription is expired. I probably shouldn’t be online right now.