Perpetual Smile

I know I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up, but when I saw that publisher PUSH holds novel publishing contests every year, I just had to check it out. I wasn’t even sure if they were still doing it, since I’d found out about it when I finished Cut by Patricia McCormick (it was on the very last page).

Turns out, the contest is only for students in grades 7-12. Even though I look pretty young for my age, I would not be able to pull that off. Or could I?

That’s okay, though, because I already have my eyes on an agent that I am going to send Secondhand Mom to. And I plan on having Secondhand Mom finished and ready for editing by the end of February. Especially since I will be spending the first or second Saturday of the month — can’t remember which — stranded at Southern for about four hours. Southern, if you remember, is the university I sort of went to for a while. I am taking my little sister — who is about to graduate high school and is looking at colleges — up to SCSU so that she can take the essay exam to get into their Honors College. The whole process is going to take about four hours, and since I probably don’t have remote internet access anymore since I’ve withdrawn, I am going to be unable to work on any projects for my clients. Which means I need to take advantage of that by bunkering down in my favorite campus lounge (which is stocked with Starbucks coffee, by the way), cracking open my laptop, and writing (almost¹) straight through those four hours.

When I was enrolled at Southern, I enjoyed nothing more than hanging out in that lounge and working on my outlines for this novel. The atmosphere of it was just perfect for writing. I did a little pre-writing, too, and wished that I could spend my time there actually writing my novel as opposed to preparing for NaNoWriMo 2009 or doing homework for class³.

Where was I⁴?

Anyway, I will finish this novel by the end of February, and then I will forceask one of my writers’ group mates to help edit, and then I will edit this sucker, and then I absofuckinglutely will send it off to said designated agent.

This book is going to see the shelves of Barnes & Noble, and nothing — not depression, not work, not the fear of rejection — is going to stand in my way⁵.

¹ I should probably take bathroom breaks, a lunch break, and maybe a cigarette break if I am still smoking² at that point.

² I am now one of those on again, off again smokers I once hatedenvied so much when I was a full-time smoker.

³ I’ve come to realize that I enjoyed the environment of Southern more than I enjoyed the program I was in. That’s not to say that I didn’t love the kids. I loved them so, so much. I think about them all of the time, especially my Conner and my Lola. They were such cool kids. But I’ve discovered that the whole thing was a big spontaneous disaster waiting to happen; I should have thought about it harder before jumping in with both feet (and taking out loans). I’m thoroughly enjoying the consequences of that jump now, as I await my next loan statement and prepare to begin making monthly payments. Hoo-fucking-rah for me. I do miss going to SCSU, but I refuse to re-enroll until I’ve thought about it long and hard — haha, excuse me while I be immature and giggle over that — and before I can even think about it, I need to diagnose my mystery autoimmune disease. This, of course, is a post for another day.

⁴ I’m trying to keep all of my rambling, ADHD-byproduct thoughts organized here, but instead it’s only making me totally lose focus of what the hell I originally set out to write about.

⁵ Now if only I could quit talking about it and get writing.

I just have one question for you today, my friends: When Twitter goes down, and you want to tweet about it, what do you do? I think you need to sign up for rehab. And yes, I’m actually talking about myself.

I forgot to set goals for this month. Yes, I set New Year’s resolutions, but in the grand scheme of things, the little goals are what will carry me through and help me accomplish the bigger goals. Or at least make me feel like I’m accomplishing them.

The problem is that we’re already almost halfway through January. RATS! So I’ll just have to settle for even smaller small goals:

• Finish the Kirk section of Secondhand Mom. This is a section that flashes back to my main character’s second most important past romantic relationship and accounts for who she is in the present. It also sets up one of the most important subplots in the book: The Love Triangle. I grew up loathing love triangles, but it’s pretty integral to this story. (While we’re talking about writing, could you please give me some advice?)
• Code WordPress theme for Perpetual Smile. I seriously need to JUST DO IT. Hopefully, this week will bring the end of a HUGE client project, which will give me the free time necessary to do this.
• Code “Super Secret and Exciting Web Project” and release into the wild. This should literally take me a day to do, and it’s going to be a great piece for my portfolio, so I need to JUST DO IT, too.

Meanwhile, I also need to not lose my mind. There is so much going on that I don’t even know how to begin writing about it. I really wish life would give me a break.

The only resolution I set for myself for 2009, as far as I know, was to set up a feed reader. Does that make me a nerd?

This year, I have a few resolutions:

1. Save more money. I’ve fallen out of the habit of saving money every week. My savings account has never seen more than $1,000, and the one time it saw that amount was about five years ago, for maybe twenty-four hours. I get paid biweekly and don’t make too much with my regular day job, but with the work I do on the side with my business, I make a hell of a lot more. I need to start saving 50% of each paycheck of what I make with the business, and $50 out of each regular paycheck from my steady job.
2. Play more video games. I know this sounds really childish, but hear me out. I work. A lot. More than is normal, I think. I need to take more time to just chill and have fun. I used to play video games all the time. I miss them. Mike and I are each buying a Nintendo DS after the holidays. I plan on making full use of it to de-stress.
3. Pay off my student loans. Now that my wisdom teeth surgery is paid off, and since I’ve officially dropped out of school and decided I don’t need to go back until I am absolutely positive that it’s what I want to do AND until I have resolved my health issues, I should probably pay back the loans I took out. You know, before Chase comes after me and takes my mansion, yacht, unborn children, etc. I need to make that phone call and let them know I officially won’t be returning in the spring, and need to make a payment plan arrangement.
4. Get an apartment with Mike. Hi, we’ve been together for over three years. We are more than ready to go to the next level of our relationship. We KNOW we are going to get married and that we want a life together. We’ve already discussed a plan of saving money, obtaining sufficient stable income, and picking up little things we’ll need here and there before getting the apartment (such as a toaster, utensils, plates, a vacuum, etc).
5. Finish Secondhand Mom, then go on and revise it again and again until it’s done. I may have lost my momentum because of the holidays and because of work, but I will finish it, dammit. I will resolve all issues I have with my plot and characters, and I will submit it to agents.

I’ll continue with my Monthly Goals, and work on each of these goals for the year during each month.

I’m VERY goal-oriented, but I tend to take on HUGE things and pile myself with too much to do. Recently, I’ve tried to break that habit by setting smaller goals at smaller intervals. Every month I set a few small goals that are more achievable and less stressful.

Last month, I tried to:

• Write a novel — and FINISH it, dammit!
• Finish designing Freaking Bookworm.
• Give Perpetual Smile a face lift with a customized design.

I managed to write about 60% of Secondhand Mom, my NaNoWriMo novel. I also started working on Freaking Bookworm. With a whole lot of life thrown at me all at once (chronic pain/disease getting worse, work, and finding out that my Popi has cancer), I got pretty slowed down on these goals. BUT — and I say “but” very loud and proud — I did accomplish a lot. I got very close to two of my three goals, so I can’t complain.

With everything that is going on, I need something to focus on, WITHOUT OVERWHELMING MYSELF EVEN MORE. I have a hard time not overloading myself. The last thing I need right now is to send myself to the ER for a nervous breakdown. BUT — and I say “but” very loud again — I need goals like a junkie needs heroin. I’m a goal junkie. An overachiever, if you will. So, how to get my fix without overdosing?

There is a LOT that I want to do right now, a LOT that I need to get done, and a LOT going on in my personal life. The wants I need because I need to try to stay as happy as possible. This means satisfying the muse (writing the novel, working on personal side projects, etc). The needs, well, they need to get done because my clients want their shit done, rain or shine, whether my fingers and toes are attached or not. Plus, I’m broke and I need some money. The chaotic, shittiness of my personal life needs to fuck off, but it’s there nonetheless. That part of my life cannot be changed. I’m having a hard time with that, too.

So, goals. Right. Getting back on track.

• Go to my writers’ group, every week. This will encourage me to keep writing, be it THE NOVEL or other stuff. It’ll also keep me sane.
• Spend lots of time with Popi. Make him laugh.
• Buy a camera and start taking tons of pictures of the people I love, because for some reason there are no recent pictures of anyone.

There. Simple enough, right?