Perpetual Smile

My life is so boring right now:

• I start at SCSU on Monday. I’m just now getting anxious about it. I still have to go get my books and a backpack (so I don’t have to carry anything). I’m a little nervous about driving back and forth there by myself. It’s all so unfamiliar and weird. I know I’m being silly and will get used to everything really quickly. I usually thrive on big changes like this. So.
• I just updated and submitted my resume. I’m hoping to get a full-time web design job with one of the big web design firms in my area so that I can get my own place.
• I started a website for a really big local restaurant at work today. I really like the design mockup I made this afternoon. I honestly didn’t want to go home, and for the longest time after I got home I just sat and daydreamed about finishing this site. I’m such a nerd. Heh.
• I’ve been using Facebook a lot more lately, and only because I’ve been using it for work. I actually like it now. So if you have one, add me!
• I want to start building and decorating dollhouse kits. I know it’s so childish, but I think they’re really pretty. Target has them on their website, and so does Toys R Us. I think it’d be a fun hobby to get in touch with my inner child with. Don’t judge me.
• I really need to start writing daily — and I don’t just mean blogging. I need to start writing at least a chapter a day and finish my novel.
• I’ve been trying to take better care of myself. I’ve officially quit smoking, have been organizing different appointments with doctors, dentists, and staying on top of my chronic pain. Now I need to go get a haircut. I badly need a trim, and I’m not just saying that to make excuses to pamper myself. My hair is really dried out and I have a lot of split ends.

This is by far my most boring update, so I’ll understand if you unsubscribe from my feed.

This turned out to be a longer post than I intended. It’s (most) of my woes, so if you want to skip it and read something more cheery, I recommend the Fun stuff category. Otherwise, leave a comment and tell me about your woes. It’s not all about me here, anyway.

This morning on my way to work, I passed a Sunoco and glanced at the price. It was $1.99 a gallon (cash). While most of us rejoice at this lower, Walmart-style price, there’s that nagging feeling in the back of my head that says, “this is bad.” I am only vaguely aware that the reason for the lower gas prices is the declining stock market. The people around me who know about these things — like KJ at work — tell me that the price of gas is going to keep going down, since the stock market won’t be going up anytime soon.

It’s a Catch 22, just like my own financial situation. I ranted a little about this on Scars Can Speak (the Letters of Love blog), and I’ve been writing in my own journal every day about different ways to tackle this problem. Either way, I lose on something. If, for example, I get a second job, I’ll be doing even more running from place to place and who knows how I’ll get my school work done for the rest of the semester. If I get more hours or can go full-time at my current job, I’ll only be able to take two classes next semester rather than getting a full head start on my BA. If I can’t get more hours at my current job and can’t get a second job, I’ll have to leave my current job (which I really like) for a full-time corporate job. Yes, I’d be making more money, but I wouldn’t be able to go back to school full-time for a while. I’d have to be a part-time student. It would take forever. I am so career-oriented and want everything done yesterday that it would drive me nuts. Read the rest of this entry »

I just had sort of a revelation: Even though I opted out of NaNoWriMo this year, I still should have tried to write about 2000 words a day to finish The Cure Program. I guess it’s kind of realistically impossible to cram my days with all the things I try to schedule myself for, but still. I haven’t touched The Cure Program in a few weeks, even though the entire point of opting out of NaNo was to finish last year’s novel.

Now that I spent all of last night working on the Letters of Love website — I managed to mess up the WordPress installation there while trying to move it to a new directory — and have no energy to do any homework today, I think I’ll spend some time doing some actual writing. I think I deserve it, after this week. At least, my novel deserves it.

I hit a roadblock when I was last working on it, but Professor H. — my editor — offered me some suggestions and I think I have a way now. At least, I have something to try.

Right now it feels as if every molecule in my body is aching. My arms are feeling better but now my legs have that same toothachey radiating pain. It’s kind of hard to concentrate on writing like this.

I attended my very first NaNoWriMo write-in today, at a local Panera Bread. I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone who works here is a robot. They are abnormally polite and even the way they speak is odd. They’re just so proper and… weird. Dexter, the guy who was sitting across from me during the two hours I was writing, thought the same thing.

Anyway, when I first walked in I was really nervous. I’ve never purposefully gone to a place to meet with strangers before. Everyone was really nice though, and even though I can’t remember any of their names — sorry, guys — I had a good time writing with them. They didn’t seem to mind that I am officially a NaNo-dropout, even though I barely got any real writing done. In the whole two hours I was supposed to be writing, I wrote five paragraphs. The aching is starting to come back, too, so I think I’m done for the day.

I emailed Professor H. with a synopsis of the block I’ve hit (I’ve been writing chapters for a different character instead of continuing with the rest of the novel because I’m stuck). Hopefully he can help me out.

Well, I am off to go get some things at Wal-Mart and maybe some things at Michael’s (the craft store, not my boyfriend) as well. I’ll update with something better later, if it’s physically possible. ):

I’ve decided to get back to The Cure Program full-time. Well, as much time as possible. I’ve also asked Professor Harding to edit it for me, and he’s agreed. I need to have it finished by xmas break so that he can look at it. In the meantime he is going to help me with the parts I’m stuck on. The bad side of this is that I am dropping NaNoWriMo this year.

I’ve participated in NaNoWriMo since 2005. That year, I finished writing a novel for the first time — but did not make it to the 50,000 word mark. Up until then I had started several novels and left them in limbo. In 2006 I quit because I wasn’t happy with what I was writing and I didn’t have the time (it was my first semester of college). In 2007, I won but didn’t finish the novel. To me, I have won twice. I have already gotten the full NaNo-experience, and I think it is more important to finish The Cure Program rather than let it collect dust. I don’t have time to do both. I need to jump on the opportunities that I have: my professor will be available at the end of the semester to edit for me, and the genre I am writing in is apparently very hot right now.

So, during the month of November, I will finish my baby. I will finish writing it and prepare to begin the editing process. In December or January, I will start contacting agents. Thumbtacks will get written, just not right now.

I do, however, plan to attend the write-ins for my NaNoWriMo regional group. That way I’ll have specific time set aside to write, and I can get to know some other writers in my area. Hopefully they won’t mind hanging out with a NaNo-dropout.

I need to follow Miss Britt’s lead and prioritize. (If you want to skip my boring to-do list, help me figure out why we beat ourselves up!)

I have a long list of projects. Every time I turn around, another one pops up and insists on being completed as well. (For example, as I plan this year’s NaNoWriMo novel an old WIP pops up and begs to be completed.) I have priorities and I have things that I think are priorities. The question is, which are which? Read the rest of this entry »

Between Tuesday and a few minutes ago, I’ve written three poems and revised “Death Magnetic” for Creative Writing. I also wrote up critiques for two classmates’ poems (two apiece). I am only halfway through one of the three chapters assigned this week. Class is at 5:30 tonight. Sigh.

Anyway, I posted “Nerves”, “But, Uh and Um” and “Headache”. I would love some constructive criticism on any of the poems I post, because every little bit helps (and I’m pretty sure I suck at writing poetry, so if someone could confirm that maybe I won’t have to write anymore of it).

I woke up at ten this morning and worked on The Cure Program for an hour. (Okay, less than an hour, but I was also researching different things as I wrote. Besides, Twitter doesn’t update itself!) I’m actually really pleased with the way it’s turning out. A seemingly minor — yet important — character has suddenly taken on a vibrancy of her own and has demanded to be given nine more chapters in the novel.

All I want to do is write — everything but poetry — and read. Funny, I wished that I could write more and now that I am I wish I could have specified. Heh.

Tonight I wrote 1057 words for The Cure Program, because the little typewriter inside of my brain said, “FUCK YOUR HOMEWORK, WE’RE WRITING”.

The novel now has a new thread in the fabric of the plot, and I’m writing again. I’ve decided to write at least a chapter a day from now on, until it’s finished. (We’ll see how long this lasts.)

I’m almost done with Twilight. My prediction is that Edward is going to save Bella, but break up with her afterward under the notion that he doesn’t want her to get hurt again.

I have to say that I really liked this book. I couldn’t put it down. I sit here working right now and all I want to do is pick it up. (I brought it with me, for my smoke break later. Heh.) I haven’t been this into a novel since The Dark Tower series. I have a feeling I’m being set up for disappointment again, but I know I’m going to read all of the Twilight Saga books anyway. I am the type of person that can’t walk away from a good read.

Anyway, I have changed my mind about my NaNoWriMo novel yet again. I’ve decided I don’t want to write a memoir in any way, shape or form. I know this is going to disappoint some people, but all I could think of when the subject of writing it crossed my mind was that people I know were going to read it. I am not at all ready to share this part of my life with everyone yet. Maybe someday, but for now I just don’t have the nerve–even if I tell myself it might help someone out there. I’m not trying to shut anyone out. It’s just hard for me to imagine posting a chapter every day about the darkest time in my life, where anyone could read it. I know for the most part I won’t be judged badly, but it’s still really scary. I’m going to put the idea on the back burner for now and concentrate on something else.

There’s this story that my sister and I have had written out in our heads for five or more years now. I have attempted to write this story into a novel before, but gave up before I had really even started. In 2005, when I wrote down ideas for my first NaNoWriMo, I considered this story but ended up trashing it for historical fiction and horror based on the Donner party. I have a hard time finishing things once I start them, but I did finish my Donner party novel. I just didn’t win NaNo with it. In 2006, I again considered the story but trashed it for a, well, trashier novel. I didn’t even finish that, I hated it so much. Last year, I started The Cure Program and finished NaNo with it, but still haven’t finished the novel. (In my defense, I’ve hit a road block for the moment and can’t think up a way out of it.)

Even though I trashed the idea for other stories and never finished the original five pages I’d written, I also wasn’t sure that the world was ready for it. Sure, my sister and I believed in it, but at the time there was still a lot of hostility toward the subject matter. Now there is still some hostility but not as much. If by some chance it got published, I probably wouldn’t get as many gay bashers at my door, ready to launch missiles through my living room window.

The story is about two teenage boys on the verge of graduating who fall in love and bring out the best in each other. One is quite promiscuous and carefree–too carefree–and the other is introverted and empty. I have had this story outlined from A to Z for years now, that my sister and I made up over a few weeks’ period to entertain ourselves when we were younger. The dumbass that I am, though, never wrote anything down in outline form. What I did write down were some notes and the characters’ class schedules, but somewhere along the line gave up on the story and tossed everything. The five pages I had originally written–very bad five pages–luckily remained in a composition notebook, because some fragment of my mind was still sane at the time. So I do have an A,B,C,D-Z notion of the story now. My sister and I have been racking our old brains for the in-between details.

I hope to finish The Cure Program–which I always accidentally type as The Cute Program, heh–before November, and in the meantime work on this story’s outline, the short story I started last week, and my Tent City series. All I want to do lately is write.