Perpetual Smile

How can you not wake up in a good mood when, the night before, your team made a comeback in merely seconds to beat their biggest rival? Even though I woke up exhausted from staying up late watching said game and then celebrating afterward, I bounced into work with an energy that no one else had. (Literally; my boss is a Patriots fan and my co-worker is recovering from the flu.)

After work, I dragged Mike with meMike came with me to the rheumatologist, which sucked a little because I ended up being late and I couldn’t pay my copay because I am so horribly broke. I made a promise to bring them a check on Friday (AKA Pay Day; biweekly pay SUCKS), and then sat down to wait. While we waited, he flipped through an old issue of Sports Illustrated with Tom Brady on the cover and I edited some of my novel. We laughed at Tom Brady, especially because the cover said something about how awesome the Patriots are (but really, they lost to the Colts Sunday night, mwahahaha). I kept editing, he occasionally found himself accidentally watching General Hospital (it was on TV in the waiting room), I confessed my childhood crush on both Maurice Bernard (Sonny on GH) and Steve Burton (Jason on GH), traumatizing Michael forever.

Miraculously, even though I was late, I actually got in pretty quickly. Usually I have to wait forever to get in to see Dr. Greco. He did the same routine as always: asked me where the pain is, checked the fibromyalgia points and got nothing, talked about my symptoms, and then we moved on to the different doctors I’ve seen and he also asked me how the Cymbalta worked for me.

“It kept me up. For four days in a row. And I was all jittery and hyper. So I stopped taking it, ’cause I needed some sleep,” I said, afraid that he might tell me I needed to keep taking it. I prepared myself to argue.

Instead, he just said, “okay” and we talked about the other medications I’ve tried. The only one that hasn’t made me crazy and does slightly work is Tramadol — but it makes me HIGH. Like, so totally stoned. I cannot stress enough how HIGH it makes me. (It’s kind of awesome because it’s relaxing, but kinda not awesome because I’m only good for sitting around and watching DVDs or TV, or sleeping. I feel like I’ve said this before.)

Anyway, he asked me to call all of my doctors to get all of my records transferred to him. Then he wrote fibromyalgia on my paperwork for yesterday. “I’m gonna write fibromyalgia here, even though that’s not what you’ve got,” he said. I didn’t argue it, even though I so desperately want a real diagnosis, not a stand in. He said that I’m harder than an episode of House, and that this is going to take some detective work. I said that every doctor I’ve seen has dropped me or handed me off to someone else, and he said that he’s not going to do that, that he’s going to do the detective work.

Mike and I left the office and medical building shortly after. I asked him if he minded going to Southern with me so that I could sell my textbooks, and we went. I ended up getting $198 for them, which is good considering I paid about $300, maybe $400 altogether. I even sold the Praxis workbook I’d bought at Barnes and Noble; their return policy is fourteen days, and it’d been well past two weeks when I dropped out of school. I got $2 back for it, which is better than nothing.

As we got closer to his house on the way back, I asked him what he wanted to do next. Even though we’d spent the afternoon running around, I liked being with him. My novel called, but I also didn’t want to leave his side just yet. It’s rare that we get any kind of alone time together, since we both have big families and live in crowded little houses. We decided to go to Olive Garden, because we both craved pasta and I had the extra cash. We had a funny waiter and got the chance to just relax and hang out. We talked about our grandparents and our favorite childhood memories, and our waiter made fun of me because I couldn’t finish my dinner after soup and bread.

After eating, we were both exhausted so I dropped him off and went home to take a shower and do some writing. I didn’t do a lot of writing. (I forgot to post the daily toll last night, too, so I’ll try to remember to post it later.)

I had a good day, though, and hope today will be another good day (and more productive with my writing)!

I’m broke. My pharmacy tried to kill me. My uterus feels as if there were a kitten inside of it trying to claw its way out.

Ah, yes. It’s good to be me.

Between doctors appointments and being sick, my check was… a lot less this week, and will be… even more less next week. Normally, I’d tap into my savings account, but I’ve already done that. The money in there is supposed to go toward repairs for my car: mounts, brakes, blower motor. I have a little money left in my business account, but tax season will soon be upon us and I would sort of like to be able to pay said taxes without scrambling or resorting to selling oregano as marijuana. (I’m totally kidding about that last part. Please don’t come after me, FBI.)

So I’m a little tight for money. I have yet to buy my mom a birthday present, even though her birthday was two weeks ago. I feel like the biggest jerk alive, even though she says she doesn’t care. Of course she doesn’t care! She’s my mom. But I still feel like she deserves so much, and I can’t even give her one little birthday gift.

On top of all of the being broke, my pharmacy has it out for me. Somewhere along the line, someone screwed up my birth control dosage — which explains why, for the last few months, I’ve had awful cramps. As in, I don’t ever get cramps. As in, they fucking HURT. (Did I mention the kitten? Yeah. Enjoy that mental image.) To make a long story short, I’m supposed to be on a higher dosage birth control that does NOT have a generic version, and someone fucked up and gave me the generic version — of a lower dosage, and lower price. So tomorrow, when I go to pick up the correct, non-kitten-clawing-its-way-out-of-my-uterus version, it’s gonna cost me $40. I also have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow that is going to cost me $30. I so miss the insurance we used to have, the one with no co-pays that covered EVERYTHING.

I keep trying to figure out why, as a person with a normally high-paying job, I have no money. It’s not like I blow it away on stuff. I’m pretty good with a budget. I mean, there is my Target addiction, but I have mastered getting my fix without going broke. (Ask me about their dollar aisle. Do it now!!)

I have to get the birth control, because without that I’ll probably end up with a baby instead. And I’m having a hard time imagining having a baby when I am broke as it is and sleep in a dining room. (Someday I’ll get to that.)

I have to go see the rheumatologist tomorrow, because he has my blood test results and I’d kinda like to know what the fuck is wrong with me. That would be nice. (Too bad he can’t just give them to me over the phone, like Pam the PA does. But I digress.)

And the car? Yeah, I might want to have those repairs done, since I drive about forty minutes away from my city three times a week to go to school. I don’t know why, but I don’t exactly want to break down (or go without heat when the frost hits). So those repairs are kinda important.

But don’t worry. I’ll figure it out like I always do. It’s not like anyone who has ever borrowed money from me is willing to help right now (you know who you are), so I’ll just take care of it myself.

Did I mention that I’m also really stressed out right now because it turns out I have a million things to do — including taking a HUGE test — so that I can get into the Education Department at my school (so I can be a teacher)? Yeah. I won’t even get into that right now.

So how are YOU doing?

I called the Bursar’s Office (translation: business office) at Southern earlier this afternoon. The lady I talked to was really helpful. She said they were going to drop me today unless I either paid in full or set up a payment plan. I told her there was no way I could afford the first payment at the moment, so she told me to drop the class and call her back right away so she could credit the $75 I already put down back onto my credit card.

So I have to wait until the fall (as long as I get financial aid) to start, but at least I get my money back.

I’m just amazed at how little time they give students to pay. I mean, it’s only March and the class doesn’t start until June 1st!

I’m a little disappointed that I can’t start as soon as I wanted to, but this is the least of my problems right now. I’m just relieved I’m not beat out of $75.

You know how sometimes, just when you think everything is about to get better it all falls down on you again?

I went to meet with a representative from a local marketing freelancing firm. The purpose of the meeting was to discuss my skills and to fill out tax forms. The meeting went pretty smoothly, and I left feeling pretty good about my new relationship with the firm. I came home and ate, and then got online to email the representative some PDFs of my work. There was an email from my university entitled (no subject), which I thought was kind of weird.

The email said that if I didn’t pay my balance in full at the close of the business day for the Summer 2009 session, my schedule would be dropped.

Now, when I went through this last semester, they didn’t email me until a couple of months or so after I’d registered. I figured that I had enough time to pay as much as I could before setting up a payment plan. The Summer 2009 session I’m attending doesn’t start until June 1st, and I never received an email about my statement like the bill pay website said I would.

Their business day ends at 6:30 or something like that (maybe 5:00 for all I know), and I didn’t get home until about 7. So you can just imagine how I felt about all of this.

I went online to see if my balance still shows (there was always a balance but it always said “no statements at this time”), and how much I’d need to put down for a first payment. The total? $395.33. I don’t think I even have half of that in my bank accounts.

The worst part is I put down $75 a couple of weeks ago. I doubt I’m going to get that back now. Both of my parents said I should call them tomorrow, but I doubt they’ll do anything for me. They’re a big institution; why would they care about little old me?

I’m using an old cell phone right now, from the ancient year of 1998. It’s about the size of a house phone and the ring tones are horrid.

I spent most of last night and the early hours of this morning with Mike. I can’t remember much, thanks to Ultram, but I remember laughing a lot and watching a lot of TV.

I’m really worried about my best friend right now. She won’t answer her phone and she hasn’t returned any of my calls in the last couple of days. It’s not like her to shut me out like this. I know she’s been feeling really down lately, and I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but we usually hang out Fridays so I thought she would have called me back by now.

I have a meeting on Tuesday with someone from a big web design freelancing firm. The purpose of the meeting is to discuss my portfolio and skills, and to fill out tax forms. I’m pretty sure that I am now one of their consultants. Hopefully they can get me some extra work really soon. I am trying not to worry about any of my financial problems, but they are always hanging out in the back of my head. My parents think I am bugshit crazy for taking on all of these things right now, but they should know better. I have always been an overachiever. I’m the girl you can count on, because I see everything through to the end, but just like all of those other creative folks, I’m always a hair trigger away from a meltdown.

I’ve become obsessed with hiding my problems. I’m not sure if it’s the right choice, but I’m tired of hiding. It’s nice to meet you, world. I am a talented web designer and writer. I can draw, paint, sing, and I love making handmade cards. I’m also a depressive, quite possibly undiagnosed bipolar or maybe even undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. I refuse to see a counselor or get any other kind of professional help. My current coping method is denial and ice cream.

Now that that’s off my chest.

My cat has been following me around all morning and afternoon. She woke me up with her big mouth, and she won’t stop attention whoring. She is currently curled up on the floor in front of me. She looks kind of depressed. Can someone get her some catnip? I’m busy coding.

I’m on a bad luck streak. Ready? Set? Go!

Michael and I almost broke up this weekend. We got into several huge fights (which we’ve been doing a lot of lately), and I really thought it was over. Finally, his wit and good looks won me over again and I forgot why I was mad. I guess the old saying, “what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger,” is true. Every time we go through this we end up being closer and stronger. Not to say that I enjoy fighting with him. I’d rather play Street Fighter II and Castle Crashers together like we did last night.

Naturally, the video game spree didn’t last long. It feels like someone is grinding the bones in my hands together. I really wish this would just go away already. It seems to be getting worse, and it’s actually to the point where I’m so used to being in pain that for the most part it doesn’t even phase me anymore.

Things wouldn’t be so bad if I haven’t had my — sorry, guys — period for twelve days now. It was thirteen days late — yes, I keep religious track — and now that it finally came it won’t go away. I think it’s safe to say that I need to change my birth control. I’d apologize again, but it’s natural. Then again, natural for me is just four or five days, not two freaking weeks!

Of course, my phone had to crap out today. It’s been turning itself on over and over again lately — without turning itself off first, mind you — and I knew it was coming, but still. On top of everything else I have to buy a new phone now. It wouldn’t be such a big deal, since I didn’t always have a cell phone anyway, but I recently put my resume in with a freelancing firm and we’ve been playing phone tag. Now they have no way of getting in touch with me.

Speaking of web design, I still need to buy Adobe Creative Suite software so that I can work. And of course I need to finish fixing the Sunfire so I can get to work, and to get to the English class this summer that’s costing me over a thousand dollars.

So, obviously, you all need to send me checks with at least three digit amounts. It only makes sense.

The good news is, I finally finished the redesign for the Letters of Love website. It still has a few bugs (especially in the Community), but it’s functional. So far it’s gotten a lot of praise, which makes me feel good despite everything that’s been going wrong lately. Go check it out and let me know what you think! And yes, this is shameless self-promotion.

PS: I haven’t cheated on quitting smoking in two weeks!

I feel sick right now, and it isn’t just the cold I caught.

I just got back from a vacation in Idiotville and decided to register for a class this summer. The bill? $1126. For just one class.

I can set up a payment plan, which would be four payments of $281.50, plus a $45 payment plan fee with the first payment. Can you say ouch?

Did I mention that I also need to buy CS4? The copy of CS3 that I had is dead (don’t ask: it’s a long, painful story), and the trial I downloaded dies in three or four days.

I’d just let the CS4 go but I need it for work. I can’t very well take on freelance jobs with just MS Paint and Notepad.

The question here, folks, is why in the world does one class cost more than a thousand beans?

I know I’ll figure it out — I always do — but in the meantime, I’m going to consider bounty hunting or human trafficking.

PS: I forgot to add that I also need to buy a new phone; my current phone keeps turning itself on, even though it’s already on. Yeah.

This turned out to be a longer post than I intended. It’s (most) of my woes, so if you want to skip it and read something more cheery, I recommend the Fun stuff category. Otherwise, leave a comment and tell me about your woes. It’s not all about me here, anyway.

This morning on my way to work, I passed a Sunoco and glanced at the price. It was $1.99 a gallon (cash). While most of us rejoice at this lower, Walmart-style price, there’s that nagging feeling in the back of my head that says, “this is bad.” I am only vaguely aware that the reason for the lower gas prices is the declining stock market. The people around me who know about these things — like KJ at work — tell me that the price of gas is going to keep going down, since the stock market won’t be going up anytime soon.

It’s a Catch 22, just like my own financial situation. I ranted a little about this on Scars Can Speak (the Letters of Love blog), and I’ve been writing in my own journal every day about different ways to tackle this problem. Either way, I lose on something. If, for example, I get a second job, I’ll be doing even more running from place to place and who knows how I’ll get my school work done for the rest of the semester. If I get more hours or can go full-time at my current job, I’ll only be able to take two classes next semester rather than getting a full head start on my BA. If I can’t get more hours at my current job and can’t get a second job, I’ll have to leave my current job (which I really like) for a full-time corporate job. Yes, I’d be making more money, but I wouldn’t be able to go back to school full-time for a while. I’d have to be a part-time student. It would take forever. I am so career-oriented and want everything done yesterday that it would drive me nuts. Read the rest of this entry »

I finally started really looking into both McCain and Obama. For the most part I agree with McCain’s stand, but there are quite a few things that Obama has proposed that I really like. Obama proposed “eliminating all capital gains taxes on start-ups and small businesses,” which appeals to me. He also would like to make “community college completely free in America” and expand the Pell Grant to more people. I don’t agree with any of his military or diplomacy strategies. I think McCain really does know what he’s talking about when it comes to this. I don’t agree with McCain’s stand on gay marriage, though. McCain doesn’t agree with gay marriage and doesn’t really want to take much action either way, it seems. Obama, though he doesn’t agree with it, would like to laws to allow it. McCain wants to leave it up to individual states. I fully believe that gays should be able to get married. If I weren’t in love with Mike, I might be in love with another woman and I’d like to have that right. I’d also like for my gay friends to have that right.

Politics aside, let’s talk about money! Particularly, my money issues.

Mike and I would like to go to Indianapolis this November to catch a Colts game and spend three blissful days in a hotel there. This is going to cost us anywhere from $300-500 each, depending on whether we fly or take a train/bus. That’s not even factoring in the cost of food and souvenirs.

That’s issue number one.

I am taking two art classes at my college, and the supplies list is, well, demanding. I need to have these supplies pronto, but I’m not expecting any magical bonus in my paycheck. I would like to take my mom out to lunch for her birthday, and I also need to buy my birth control prescription this weekend. (You didn’t need to know that, but it’s absolutely necessary. I’m not ready for kids right now.) Remember the trip to Indianapolis? The idea is to save some money each paycheck. I have $125 in my savings account and pennies in my checking account.

Now, here’s issue number — oh, what are we on? — five?

I am in desperate need of a better car. Particularly, one without electrical problems and altogether not as old. (My car is a 1988 Mazda. Yeah.) I need to have this better car before next spring, because I want to transfer to a university and this university happens to be 30-45 minutes away from where I live. Having a better car is absolutely imperative.

Beyond those problems, xmas is coming up. My mom’s side of the family has decided not to do xmas. We’re going to have dinner, but we are not exchanging gifts. Why? We’re all broke. Still, I normally buy gifts for my parents, sister, grandparents, godchildren, Katarina and Mike. If I have extra money, I normally buy for his family too. Did I mention, dear friends, that Konner’s first birthday is November 27th? Kaylene’s fourth birthday is February 9th, and my sister’s birthday is February 10th. I’m probably getting a little ahead of myself here, but still.

I really wanted to go to Indianapolis. The idea of having three days — if not a little hectic — of privacy, alone with Mike, was like some kind of heaven to me. The fact that neither of us are anywhere near enough ready to pay for this trip is one thing, but factor in everything else? I hate to say it, but I don’t think it’s going to happen. I hate to even think this, but I think we should just let it go and maybe shoot for next year. I cringe at the thought, but I think it makes the most sense. Otherwise, how can I afford anything else? Luckily, he has nothing saved toward this. (I just got lucky and got a quickie freelance job for data entry and minor XHTML coding that paid $100.)

Oh, right. I forgot to mention that we would have to buy our game tickets separately, on eBay or something. Those would cost us each $150ish.

Unfortunately, this just doesn’t seem possible. It doesn’t, at all.

Edit: I totally owe Miss Britt and her post about getting informed on the candidates. She got my lazy ass in gear!