Perpetual Smile

I wonder what would happen if I started blogging every day?

Today I looked up mental health care providers in my area and wrote down three names and numbers that jumped out at me. I was mainly looking for pain management, depression, and mood disorder specialties — and of course someone who is a chick. I just can’t picture myself talking to a strange man. Then again, it sucks talking to a strange anyone… Unless that anyone happens to be a cat, because they pretend to be good listeners. I say pretend because everyone knows that cats pretend to sleep, pretend to love you, pretend to listen, all while they plot your death for serious.

What was I saying?

I spent today kind of floating. I have a LOT of work to do, which is probably why I mostly just procrastinated all day. It’s overwhelming. Tomorrow is the last day to upload all kinds of content to Latest Client’s WordPress site, so that they can be all wowed and amazed on Monday. Meanwhile, my muse is screaming for me to write, to work on Secondhand Mom or the short story I started last week. Stupid muse. When I want to write, she ditches me. When I can’t write, she yells at me to write.

I wanted to do a lot of things today, and now I can barely remember what I did do. (Uh, nothing.) I really wanted to get a lot done and go to Mike’s so that I could hang out with Robbie, Jaysa, and Ciana (my new niece), but since I didn’t get anything done…

Tomorrow I’m supposed to be going to Mike’s to watch the Colts/Jets game, so I’m panicking because that only gives me a few hours to get everything done that I need to get done. I think today can be filed under LAZY.

I want to tell you all about so many things, like Christmas Eve, my latest bout of depression, the Nintendo DS I bought myself as a treat, all of the pain I’ve been having lately, the insane workload I’ve been carrying, and a few other things. But when I sit down to write, all of my thoughts blow away like clouds on a clear summer day. I could tell you about how I lost my appointment card and have no idea when my next rheumatologist appointment is (or was). I could tell you that I feel like it does no good to go anyway. I could explain to you how amazing Mike is and that without him I would not have made it through the last few days.

I want to tell you how badly I want to reorganize my life right now, because it feels so messy and everything I want feels so out of reach. I want to tell you that not every moment in my life has been gloomy; I’ve had some good happy moments lately, too. I want to tell you all about how my family is doing, the love, the fights, the eggshells.

I just don’t know where to start, my friends.

I’ve been reading everyone’s blogs and it seems like we’ve all been having more than our share of ups and downs. I can barely get my thoughts together enough to leave a comment worth reading let alone encouraging. Everything feels so chaotic right now. My own head is a mess and my heart is lost. There is so much to fight right now, but I feel like every time I swing, I miss by a wide berth. (Can you tell I’ve been running around as Link in the latest Zelda game for the DS?)

I know that the end is in sight. I tell myself that, as soon as I finish my big client’s project, things will get a little better. But I know it isn’t just the project that is weighing me down. I spend so much of my time worrying and stressing that when it comes time to take action, I freeze. I think this is defined as ANXIETY. I know that I should probably grab a phone book and call a therapist. I know that I should call my rheumatologist’s office and find out when my next appointment is (or was), since I’m worrying myself sick that I might have to pay a fee if I missed it.

I worry, worry, worry.

I wish that someone would guide me through this, like some sort of magical creature that will say, “Okay, do X and Y will happen, so then do Z and it’ll be all set.” I wish someone would take care of me, even though I am old enough to take care of myself. I need a rope, friends. A thick, knotted rope that I can climb up to the top where I can see everything.

Or maybe I am already able to climb up and look. Maybe I only need to let myself SEE. Maybe I have become so comfortable with the bottom that I’ve allowed myself to stay there. To quote Silversun Pickups, “I don’t care, I’m still here, everything seems perfect from down here.” Except it’s not.

I wish that I only had to handle one thing at a time, but that’s not the way life goes. Maybe if I put everything out, examine everything that I’m dealing with, and SEE it for what it is, then maybe I can figure it out. So if you don’t mind, I’m going to do that. Let’s see:

• The big project. This project is HUGE and is making me a lot of money, which is awesome. The not awesome part is that I’m stuck on a couple of things with it, and being stuck makes me freeze instead of taking action. This needs to stop. I need to figure out how to fix the issues I’m having with the coding. I need to force myself to sit there and work through it. Standing still is not going to help. Letting the anxiety of the Impending Deadline stop me in my tracks is not going to help. If I don’t say “fuck you” to the anxiety, I’m going to be frozen until the Impending Deadline hits me right in the head. I need to remember that it is not only me that will take the hit if Impending Deadline comes and the project is not done. I need to also not let that scare me into frozen fear. I need to keep saying “fuck you” to the anxiety and work through the stubborn code.
• The pain. Whatever the hell is wrong with me has been pretty aggressive lately. A few days ago, both of my hips flared up, with the ache radiating back and forth, so that my whole front hip area was in agony. The next day or maybe the day after, my right hip flared up, then radiated to my back. The back side of my hips and my lower back were a big glow of RED pain for maybe an hour or two. I fell asleep some time after it started, and when I woke up it was gone. This morning, from the front of my hips all the way to my toes ached so badly, I could barely walk. All I wanted to do was lay down and go to sleep, but I had so much work to do and also had to go to work. It quit around the time I went into my day job, so I’d say it lasted at least three hours, maybe four.

  I’m so tired of bouncing from doctor to doctor, spending so much time and money when all I get are no answers. It all feels like a huge waste of time, and once again I feel like they are never going to figure out what is wrong. I think I’m going to spend the rest of my life bouncing between mind numbing flareups and a very thin time slot of remission. What I’m experiencing is the definition of rheumatoid arthritis or some other autoimmune disease, and yet all tests come back negative — except for that one double stranded DNA, which is supposed to mean I have some sort of autoimmune disease, but so far my rheumatologist has been unable to determine which one. I know this requires a lot of patience, but I am not the most patient, and I think after almost three years of pain, pain, pain and a slew of other symptoms, most other people would also have lost their patience.

  I’m also tired of A Certain Person scoffing at me when I complain, as if I am just making this all up. I want to be taken seriously by A Certain Person, but I get the feeling they don’t because they can’t physically see any of my symptoms. I’ve gotten to the point where I mostly say nothing when I’m around them and experiencing symptoms. And anyone who deals with chronic pain knows that it’s so hard not to say anything. Since I spend a lot of time around A Certain Person, I spend a lot of time not saying anything. (And no, it isn’t Mike.)

  I know what I need to do. I need to push the fears of never finding an answer aside once more and I need to call my rheumatologist to either reschedule my appointment or get the date so I can go. When I do call, I need to be adamant about getting in sooner, and I need to stress that my symptoms have once again gotten worse. I need to not let the fact that I feel okay right now get in my way. I need to remember that “okay” can quickly turn into agony and that by speaking up and being a little more vocal, I might be able to get closer to the answers and treatment I need. I need to remember that I do NOT deserve this.

• My wish to write. While I spend most of my time working, I yearn so badly to get back to the novel I started during November. I know that my client’s project has to be done before I can get back to the novel. I need to remember that the sooner I finish this huge project, I will have more free time and will be able to spend that time finishing my manuscript so that I can start editing it.
• Taking the time to relax. I absolutely NEED to do something nice for myself once this project is done. It’s time to use that spa gift certificate my uncle gave me for my birthday so that I can go get that massage. I have been treating myself with DS Zelda breaks, but I also need to remember that too many breaks kills productivity. I need to remind myself that I do deserve the breaks, but should try to get more work done first.
• Popi. This is the hardest of them all, because there is nothing I can DO. Instead, the worry about his health pushes down on me. I don’t know what to do. I do know that I am so scared of losing him.

  His second round of chemo went well. He was only at the hospital for three days, and came back home on the third day. He hasn’t experienced any side effects. He’s just awfully tired from fighting so hard. I am so proud of him for being so strong. His strength makes me want to be strong, too.

  I am having a hard time fighting the worry, though.

Whew, glad that’s all off my chest now. I really need to stop bottling everything up and keeping it to myself. I have a hard time vocalizing the worry, though; I force myself to carry it all on my own.

If you’ve read this all the way through, thank you. I’m so glad that you were here to listen. Now I want to return the favor. Tell me, how are YOU doing?

(Full size on Flickr)

I’m VERY goal-oriented, but I tend to take on HUGE things and pile myself with too much to do. Recently, I’ve tried to break that habit by setting smaller goals at smaller intervals. Every month I set a few small goals that are more achievable and less stressful.

Last month, I tried to:

• Write a novel — and FINISH it, dammit!
• Finish designing Freaking Bookworm.
• Give Perpetual Smile a face lift with a customized design.

I managed to write about 60% of Secondhand Mom, my NaNoWriMo novel. I also started working on Freaking Bookworm. With a whole lot of life thrown at me all at once (chronic pain/disease getting worse, work, and finding out that my Popi has cancer), I got pretty slowed down on these goals. BUT — and I say “but” very loud and proud — I did accomplish a lot. I got very close to two of my three goals, so I can’t complain.

With everything that is going on, I need something to focus on, WITHOUT OVERWHELMING MYSELF EVEN MORE. I have a hard time not overloading myself. The last thing I need right now is to send myself to the ER for a nervous breakdown. BUT — and I say “but” very loud again — I need goals like a junkie needs heroin. I’m a goal junkie. An overachiever, if you will. So, how to get my fix without overdosing?

There is a LOT that I want to do right now, a LOT that I need to get done, and a LOT going on in my personal life. The wants I need because I need to try to stay as happy as possible. This means satisfying the muse (writing the novel, working on personal side projects, etc). The needs, well, they need to get done because my clients want their shit done, rain or shine, whether my fingers and toes are attached or not. Plus, I’m broke and I need some money. The chaotic, shittiness of my personal life needs to fuck off, but it’s there nonetheless. That part of my life cannot be changed. I’m having a hard time with that, too.

So, goals. Right. Getting back on track.

• Go to my writers’ group, every week. This will encourage me to keep writing, be it THE NOVEL or other stuff. It’ll also keep me sane.
• Spend lots of time with Popi. Make him laugh.
• Buy a camera and start taking tons of pictures of the people I love, because for some reason there are no recent pictures of anyone.

There. Simple enough, right?

I’m about to be very busy.

Some time ago, I partnered my little (barely started) startup web design company with my aunt’s. I jumped on board as a web designer AND social media consultant since — I say this quite modestly — I am pretty nasty at community building on social networking sites, and in general. More than one comment on this blog certified me for the position. (I’m totally kidding here.)

ANYWAY.

At the moment, we have two HUGE clients who need websites done by January. I’m going to be building a WordPress site (yay) and my aunt is doing a static HTML/CSS site. After the latter is done, I’m going to be doing a huge three month long social media push for the same client.

Goodbye, money worries. Hello, code tinkering. Sigh. I’ll wipe the drool from my face when I’m done thinking about all of the nerdy goodness of this career.

But where, my inner editor asks, does THE NOVEL fit into all of this?

I promised her that it would indeed still get finished. I will indeed still get to 50,000 words for NaNoWriMo (I’m currently at 45k). I’ll even start editing it still. But the going is going to be a little slower now; you try explaining to a client that their website isn’t finished yet because your characters need you. I dare you.

I don’t often write about stuff like this here, but sometimes I just can’t contain myself and have to share. Not that, you know, the design of this blog is any proof to the fact that I am, indeed, a good web/WordPress designer. (I solemnly swearwill try to make it MINE when my big projects are over at the end of January!) Another personal project I’ve been working on, Freaking Bookworm, will have to wait, too. (It’s about halfway done. Oops.) I’d like to think that I’ll still work on it a little at a time, but we’ll see.

Work for Automattic — the company that created WordPress — designing and developing WordPress themes. (Goals)

A couple weeks ago, as I worked diligently on my web surfing skills, I visited the Automattic website. It wasn’t the first time; I’d visited the site before, briefly, back when I first started using WordPress. I can easily remember those days: I had just started this blog and felt pretty proud of myself for being able to install themes and tweak the CSS a little bit. The back end, though, was another story. It wasn’t until my boss told me that I needed to become very familiar with WordPress, as we would be using it for company blogs, that I really took a look at the back end.

I learned how to make my own themes very quickly, but I also learned how to tweak things so that WordPress could be used for something other than a blog. I learned how to work with the PHP, and most of my work since has involved doing things with WordPress.

I never thought about it much, until I visited Automattic again.

I never really thought about it, until I looked at the job listings on Automattic.com for hahas.

I realized that I could be one of those Theme Czars. I could easily learn more PHP and, from here on out, use solely WordPress for all of my sites. I realized that something I really understand and have fun with could turn out to be a job.

So I’m going to practice just a little more. I’m going to build a few more WordPress websites (and maybe someday tackle this blog’s theme), and then I’m going to become a Theme Czarina. Because I can.

What about you? What are some of your goals? Leave a comment and tell me!

PS: I wrote a review of Wristcutters: A Love Story over at Scars Can Speak. Go check it out and tell me what you think!

I’m not going to do a Bloggy Love post today. I’m probably not going to be blogging here for a while, actually.

I really want to concentrate on a couple of other things right now, mainly Letters of Love because I’ve really been neglecting it lately. I also need to work on some WordPress websites — this site included — as well as a static website. I really would like to build up this blog a little more, but Letters of Love is very important to me and needs me right now (I’m terrified that it’s going to die if I continue to neglect it). I have also been working on another project, and the bottom line is that I just can’t do it all.

I need two of me.

If I do update here, it will be in spurts. I’m not entirely gone, though! I’ll be on Twitter and writing for Scars Can Speak. Once it’s up, I’ll also be all over Freaking Bookworm, my work-in-progress online book club.

And you can bet when I get back here, it’s going to rock!

PS: I’ll still be reading and commenting on all your blogs, too. Probably should have mentioned that.

I’m aware that the posts’ pages lookeverything on this damn blog looks a little weird. I installed IntenseDebate earlier today and for some reason it changed the color of the comments’ text. Since I am lazy, I’ll figure it out tomorrow. For now, we’ll have to deal with the grey background. (And all the more reason for me to finally create a custom theme for this blog!)

I reverted to the default theme for now, since I hated the old theme anyway. I realize this is probably going to make me look like an idiot claiming to be a web designer, but I am way too tired to build a whole new theme tonight. Tomorrow!

Update 05/13/2009: I updated my About page! Check it out. (:

I’m going to be house sitting — and no, that isn’t a fancy term for a House (the lamest show ever, and YES, I said it, Mom, on the internet, in print!) marathon — for two weeks.

It should be interesting, as I’ve never house sat before, and this particular house has its quirks. There are at least ninety-nine light switchesswitches pretending to be light switches scattered throughout the house, waiting for you to flick them accidentally. These little Easter eggs usually cause power to go out in certain parts of the house, ejection from the house into outer space and, in severe cases, swine flu. The people I’m sitting for also have Comcast, and I am apparently not capable of using the remote; the various buttons on that thing could wipe out our entire planet, if I hit the wrong one.

So it should be interesting. Naturally, I’ll be blogging about it, because I owe you guys and I’m sure you’ll get a kick out of me trying to explain to my aunt and uncle why their house is on the moon instead of at their previous address: “I thought I was turning the kitchen light on!”

Anywho.

My little world has been a little crazy lately. I recently partnered my freelance web design company with my aunt’s web design and print company, and we managed to acquire a pretty big client. I’m not going to go into details, but the move was anything but simple. Luckily our client has been really understanding, and all is well as of tonight. I’m actually really surprised at myself; I guess you really do never know what you can do until you’re facing a deadline that is less than a week away and you can’t find a PHP developer. Needless to say, my basic PHP skills need to be a little more. I’m hoping to finally sit down and read the PHP book I bought over a year ago while I’m trying not to destroy my aunt’s house.

I also recently went to a new dentist. The dental hygienist kicked ass. She took x-rays of my mouth and it turns out I’m going to have to get all four of my wisdom teeth removed. That is not kickass. I knew it was probably coming, but I’m still terrified. The x-rays showed that the incoming teeth are pushing over my other teeth. I have a really, really tiny mouth, and I figured that’s what was happening anyway, but it’s still totally different to see it and hear it from a professional.

I sucked it up though and made an appointment with an oral surgeon for next Monday. My business partner and aunt said that I’ll get lots of drugs and ice cream out of the deal. I’m not too excited about the drugs, but I can definitely dig the ice cream.

I’ve been trying to write more lately, ever since I attended the 2009 NVCC Writers’ Conference a couple of weeks ago. (It may have been more like three weeks ago, but I’m so fried and brainless at this point I’m not too sure. I’m also too lazy to go check.) I recently got back in touch with Mary, my old Astrid and Dante roleplaying partner. We used to write for these two all the time, but gradually fell out of touch. Anyway, we started writing again. You can read all of our archived logs, and we are also currently writing new stuff, over at our new-ish blog. (My friends from LiveJournal might remember me posting logs or writing about these two.) I’m also planning on getting back to my novel while I’m house sitting.

I’m also currently working on a project I’ve been sitting on for a while. If you’re being followed by a freakingbookwrm on Twitter, follow back because that’s me! Freaking Bookworm is my upcoming online book club. I read a lot, and I often mind myself wanting to rant or rave to someone about different parts throughout the book. I don’t have the time to meet up with a regular book club every week or every month, so I thought it would be neat to do an online book club that anyone can participate in at any time. As far as I know, there is nothing like it out there on the net. It’s going to be kickass, so follow freakingbookwrm on Twitter (I hate that I didn’t have enough characters to keep the “o” in “worm”), and take our poll to help choose our first read.

I actually meant to be in bed by now. I’d say there’s always coffee, but my body stopped responding to caffeine a month ago.

Update: I just posted the latest Astrid/Dante, Ouch! (Part II). Go check it out and let us know what you think. (:

You know, as I was straightening my hair earlier, I had a whole blog post composed in my head. Thanks to Tramadol, I have no clue what it was (and can’t type, either).

I have been having pain in my left hand/wrist and my ankles all day today, so I figured I’d take Tramadol so I might actually get some sleep. The pills are 50mg, so I cut one in half and it still completely wrecked me. I should not have been using a flat iron or hair drier. Hell, I shouldn’t even be using my laptop! I can’t not take this stuff — I do need to get some relief now and then — but no matter what I do it completely messes me up. Oh well.

So, what has been going on with me?

• I have decided to leave my second day job, mainly because I have entirely too much on my plate right now. Fortunately, they still want me to do occasional freelance work for them.
• I’ve had several nervous breakdowns in the last couple of weeks and am trying to find a therapist. I am one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet, and I never admit when I need help. I’ve realized that I am a lot worse off than I was letting myself — and everyone else — believe. I’m not too thrilled about admitting any of this, but I hope that it helps someone else out there. Maybe it will help someone realize that they need help, too.
• I treated myself to a pedicure this weekend. My mom and I went to the nail salon after I got out of work on Friday. Mom got a manicure and her eyebrows waxed. I totally meant to take pictures of my awesome feet — there’s something about a pedicure that actually makes my feet look cute — but I’m a slave to the Tramadol right now and probably shouldn’t be allowed to operate a camera. Just know that my toenails are ORANGE and they are smexxy! (Yes, I just said “smexxy,” which is a leftover of my old LiveJournal days.)
• I also treated myself to the new Blue October and Kings of Leon albums. For the record, if I hear one more person mistakenly call them “The Kings of Leon” — yes, I mean you, Mr. Radio Host Guy — I’m going to curse at my stereo, worse than EVER. (Yes, that’s all I’ve got. Sigh.)
• I really, really want elizabethbarone.com, but some real estate agency has it for some unknown, unfair reason. This is just a random fact and probably has no significance whatsoever, except that it further proves how much of a nerd and no-life I am. Since elizabethbarone.com doesn’t expire until 2012, I was trying to come up with another domain name. So far I’ve got: elizawhat.com, elizabethkaylene.com, and elizabethkaylenebarone.com, all of which are available. I basically wanted elizabethbarone.com for a portfolio website, and of course for branding purposes, and the other ones just don’t pack the same punch. This is my sad face.
• I spent today — Easter, as some might call it — sitting on my ass playing video games. For the first half of the day, however, I had no idea what to do with myself. This is what happens when a workaholic tries to take the day off.

Blah. I really wanted to write a better update.