Perpetual Smile

This turned out to be a longer post than I intended. It’s (most) of my woes, so if you want to skip it and read something more cheery, I recommend the Fun stuff category. Otherwise, leave a comment and tell me about your woes. It’s not all about me here, anyway.

This morning on my way to work, I passed a Sunoco and glanced at the price. It was $1.99 a gallon (cash). While most of us rejoice at this lower, Walmart-style price, there’s that nagging feeling in the back of my head that says, “this is bad.” I am only vaguely aware that the reason for the lower gas prices is the declining stock market. The people around me who know about these things — like KJ at work — tell me that the price of gas is going to keep going down, since the stock market won’t be going up anytime soon.

It’s a Catch 22, just like my own financial situation. I ranted a little about this on Scars Can Speak (the Letters of Love blog), and I’ve been writing in my own journal every day about different ways to tackle this problem. Either way, I lose on something. If, for example, I get a second job, I’ll be doing even more running from place to place and who knows how I’ll get my school work done for the rest of the semester. If I get more hours or can go full-time at my current job, I’ll only be able to take two classes next semester rather than getting a full head start on my BA. If I can’t get more hours at my current job and can’t get a second job, I’ll have to leave my current job (which I really like) for a full-time corporate job. Yes, I’d be making more money, but I wouldn’t be able to go back to school full-time for a while. I’d have to be a part-time student. It would take forever. I am so career-oriented and want everything done yesterday that it would drive me nuts. (more…)

There are some days when lifting my arms above my head hurts too much to bother with blow drying and straightening my hair. Sometimes I make my sister do it. Sometimes I force myself through it and take lots of breaks. Recently, I’ve just given up.

It’s much easier, I’ve decided, to twist my hair around my fingers and then pull the curls apart rather than go through all of that straightening business. Even better, I can sleep on it and it usually doesn’t require any work when I wake up.

I feel like I’ve made a major breakthrough; I can actually stand my curls now!

My mother is on Cloud 9 now that I've been wearing my hair au naturale.

Yes, it’s true — the shiny, poker straight hair you’ve been seeing in my photos is a lie. I was born with thick and tight curls that have eluded me for twenty years. I’ve only recently discovered a hair product that kills the frizz, leaves the curls soft and makes them look pretty: Herbal Essences Dangerously Straight mousse. Yep. I don’t get it, either. It makes my curly hair look and smell pretty, though.

Is this a breakthrough? Can I now be satisfied with what I was born with? Will I break the code of women’s nature? Only time will tell how long it takes before I hate my curls again.

I’ve come to the conclusion that when you cheat on someone, you didn’t really want to be with them in the first place.

When I was seventeen and dating Mr. Right Now, I knew the relationship was failing for a long time. Subconsciously, anyway. I think he knew it, too. Neither of us, however, wanted to admit it.

A month after I miscarried, I was sick with the flu. I vividly remember calling him on a Friday December night and his sister telling me that she didn’t know where he was. I remember feeling bad, because I was stuck with the flu and he was out having fun and I couldn’t talk to him. The next morning, still sick as a dog and wishing for my death, he called me and told me he’d gotten drunk and cheated on me the night before.

People frequently get drunk, and cheat. Personally, I don’t understand it. I think the drinking part of it is an excuse; Mr. Right Now said so himself that he’d thought several times about leaving because the girl he cheated with kept hitting on him. This is frequently the case. A friend of mine once cheated on her boyfriend while drunk. She had known ahead of time that drinking with those certain people might get her into trouble.

Another friend, whose relationship was failing, cheated on her boyfriend of several years sans alcohol excuses. Later on she had told her boyfriend that the relationship was pretty much over and they had both known it, so there was no point in trying to fix things.

A third friend was cheated on and kicked out of the apartment they shared the day after, along with their one year old daughter. The relationship had been going downhill for some time. Am I sensing a pattern, here?

Mike says that some people still cheat even if they don’t want the relationship to be over. “You can love the shit out of someone and still cheat on them,” he said. I’m not so sure. Maybe it’s because I’ve been cheated on, whereas he hasn’t and has never cheated on any of his girlfriends. I just can’t picture myself doing that to someone I love. Does the cheater know it’s wrong when they’re doing it? I think so. Mr. Right Now did, and my friend who soberly cheated on her boyfriend knew it too.

What do you think?

Right now it feels as if every molecule in my body is aching. My arms are feeling better but now my legs have that same toothachey radiating pain. It’s kind of hard to concentrate on writing like this.

I attended my very first NaNoWriMo write-in today, at a local Panera Bread. I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone who works here is a robot. They are abnormally polite and even the way they speak is odd. They’re just so proper and… weird. Dexter, the guy who was sitting across from me during the two hours I was writing, thought the same thing.

Anyway, when I first walked in I was really nervous. I’ve never purposefully gone to a place to meet with strangers before. Everyone was really nice though, and even though I can’t remember any of their names — sorry, guys — I had a good time writing with them. They didn’t seem to mind that I am officially a NaNo-dropout, even though I barely got any real writing done. In the whole two hours I was supposed to be writing, I wrote five paragraphs. The aching is starting to come back, too, so I think I’m done for the day.

I emailed Professor H. with a synopsis of the block I’ve hit (I’ve been writing chapters for a different character instead of continuing with the rest of the novel because I’m stuck). Hopefully he can help me out.

Well, I am off to go get some things at Wal-Mart and maybe some things at Michael’s (the craft store, not my boyfriend) as well. I’ll update with something better later, if it’s physically possible. ):

Last night, as I drove home from Mike’s — I went over there to watch the game — I tried to figure out what my surprise might be, besides the seemingly obvious. I narrowed it down to clothes or shoes:

Clothes would make sense, because Britt (his sister) could try them on and/or pick them out, and he would have had to ask my mom for my sizes. The problem with this theory? He already knows my sizes (they’re basically the same as Britt’s) and he just gave me a few garbage bags full of Britt’s gently (read: never) used clothing.

Shoes would make sense, because Britt got him Pumas for his birthday because her boyfriend has a friend who works at a shoe store and he can get a discount through him. Mike would have had to ask Mom for my shoe size (which he definitely doesn’t know). I’m kind of disbanding this theory, though; when I told Mom I thought he was getting me shoes she said it was an “interesting” theory and the look on her face told me that I wasn’t even close.

So I’m back to square one. Does anyone have any suggestions? Please help!

I love how I turned the laptop on with all intentions to write… and I’m blogging.

So, the big thing that Mike had to talk to me about — you know, the thing I was getting all anxious about? Heh. He wanted to see if he could pay me back half of what he owes me from last week. I had to giggle at him, because he was being so serious about it. I also had to laugh at myself, for being such a dork and thinking it was something scary.

Speaking of Mike, things are going so well with him. I feel like a princess in a fairytale. When I first met him and we first started hanging out — or dating, whatever you want to call it — I never pictured we would be here, talking about apartments and our future. I never thought I could have something like this. I’ve been giddy for the last few days. I’m so, so happy.

I’m also going crazy trying to figure out what my surprise xmas present is. He gave me only a few clues: his sister is going to help him out with it and he had to ask my mom a couple of questions. Hmn. It all seems so obvious, so that’s probably not what it is. Still, my parents do like him; I asked them what they would think if we ever got married (we’ve been discussing the possibility of it, and he wanted to know what I would say if he asked). I guess I’ll have to wait and see. I do know what I’m going to get him, though. I’m really excited about it, but it still doesn’t seem like enough. I have such a hard time shopping for people, because nothing ever seems good enough to say how much I care about them. There is no gift on this planet that could tell my parents how grateful I am to have them, nor is there any gift perfect enough for the love of my life.

Sigh. This is why I hate xmas shopping.

Today is a bad day, and also a good day. Three years ago something very big happened to me, something that I will always carry with me. I’m not going to be sad right now, though. Good things happened today.

I got my transcript transfer and graduation applications! I just finished filling them out and will drop them off on my way to Creative Writing later. I’m really excited about this. I need to fill out an application for SCSU now, though.

Today is also a bad pain day — partly because of the TOS, partly because of the flu shot I got last night and partly because of my lower back. I’m trying to get through the day, but all I want to do is go home and lie down with The Host. (Nope, still haven’t gotten to finish it yet. Sigh.)

On a totally random note, I went to Burger King during my break between classes. It took forever to get there because of unexplainable traffic, but when I did get there it took another year to get through the drive-thru. (That particular branch is always slow, whether you go inside or not.) When I finally got the window, paid and got my food, the girl asked me if I wanted any sauce. I said yes, she handed me my bag and just before the window closed I heard the girl next to her say, “For what? She’s only got four nuggets.” (I had fries, too, thank you!) So before I drove off I loudly said that I wouldn’t be coming back. Stupid Burger King.

Anyway.

Little one, I hope you are safe and happy wherever you are. Maybe someday we will meet again, for good this time.

I don’t think I can sit here much longer but I need my Visual Basic professor to look at my programs!

Lately I’ve fallen ridiculously behind in VB, which I’d been sort of ahead in to begin with. At this point I’ve completely given up on trying to read the chapters, and have been printing out his lecture slides instead. I still have two and a half assignments to finish, and tonight he is giving us another one. At least I’m all caught up with Creative Writing (I just have to edit poems to hand in for my portfolio).

Between all of the pain I’ve been in lately and this maddening rush to catch up on school work, I’m beat. Pile on a few other personal things and I’m ready to hop on a plane to Florida. (Besides, it’s warm down there!) I like to say that I thrive under pressure, and normally I do, but right now I’d rather ignore certain things than face them like a man — um, woman.

As for something totally random, I managed to smash two of my fingers in the door of the Director of Student Activities’ office. My middle finger has a crescent shaped blood blister below my nail and it hurts. It’s kind of cool looking but it kind of grosses me out.

NaNoWriMo starts in less than ten days and I still need to finish my characters’ profile sheets and my outline. I wonder if my professors and boyfriend would be okay with it if I totally ignored everything else just so I can get ready to write?

As I sit here at work in Day Five of my back feeling like it’s been run over by a large pancake pressing object, I wonder: why is it that we push ourselves to the very limit? Why do we force ourselves to go to work or class when we are hurt or sick, pushing our bodies until we can barely go anymore? (As I type this my left arm feels like it’s on fire, with pins and needles too!) I think we can all relate to this; I think we’ve all known some kind of severe physical pain, even as we continue to struggle through our days.

Our bodies need rest when we are hurt. Realistically, I should be laying in bed or propped up in my grandfather’s recliner so that my back can heal. Still, our society seems to have this mindset now that we have to keep going. Mike has said to me, when I told him my back hurt, that at least I could still function. I wonder if I should be functioning. I wonder if we all should stop being so harsh on ourselves. There have been days when I was terribly sick with whatever and still dragged my sorry ass into work. Would I have gotten better sooner if I had just stayed home and rested in the first place?

I know I’m not the only one. Sandy has, on several occasions, done the same. My father, whenever his back goes out, will usually force himself to keep on working. Last winter, my grandmother’s back went out and she still did her craft fairs, pushing herself to finish the various things she made to sell. Making money has become a beat so strong in our brains that we have become masochists to ourselves, starving our bodies of the rest we need and beating ourselves up to make that dollar. We are a working force, but we are far from being machines. What will it take for us to realize that sometimes we need that extra day of rest, no matter how much we lose off our paychecks?

Quickie post in bullets, ’cause I want to get to work on a couple writing projects ASAP!

• I’m not too happy with a certain person named after one of my favorite TV characters right now. “Jude” seems to be blowing me off left and right for “Tommy”.
• My back is killing me and has been since yesterday.
• I received my financial aid refund from this semester yesterday. It was for over $500 and is all going to the get-me-a-better-car-NOW fund.
• I plan on submitting to several writing contests in the next couple of weeks.
• I just realized that I have some Aleve in the house and it just might help my back.
• I picked up a copy of Stephenie Meyer’s The Host and plan on starting it as soon as I finish Stephen King’s Gerald’s Game — which is very good, by the way. I want to pick up copies of Cut (Patricia McCormick — all three of her books look good), Go Ask Alice (Anonymous, everyone should read this), The Giver (Lois Lowry, amazing YA novel) and a few other YA novels to get a feel for what the genre is looking for. (My NaNo novel this month is YA.)
• Mike turned 24 — and old in my opinion — as of the 10th. Happy birthday, oldtimer.
• I have three new poems I will post probably tomorrow. Thursday night put me in a poetry-writing mood. I think I like poetry now.
• There’s something wrong with this theme, so I’m pretty sure that these bullets are going to be FUBAR when I post this. I think it’s time for me to develop my own damn theme. Heh.

I promise a real post soon!