Perpetual Smile

Right now it feels as if every molecule in my body is aching. My arms are feeling better but now my legs have that same toothachey radiating pain. It’s kind of hard to concentrate on writing like this.

I attended my very first NaNoWriMo write-in today, at a local Panera Bread. I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone who works here is a robot. They are abnormally polite and even the way they speak is odd. They’re just so proper and… weird. Dexter, the guy who was sitting across from me during the two hours I was writing, thought the same thing.

Anyway, when I first walked in I was really nervous. I’ve never purposefully gone to a place to meet with strangers before. Everyone was really nice though, and even though I can’t remember any of their names — sorry, guys — I had a good time writing with them. They didn’t seem to mind that I am officially a NaNo-dropout, even though I barely got any real writing done. In the whole two hours I was supposed to be writing, I wrote five paragraphs. The aching is starting to come back, too, so I think I’m done for the day.

I emailed Professor H. with a synopsis of the block I’ve hit (I’ve been writing chapters for a different character instead of continuing with the rest of the novel because I’m stuck). Hopefully he can help me out.

Well, I am off to go get some things at Wal-Mart and maybe some things at Michael’s (the craft store, not my boyfriend) as well. I’ll update with something better later, if it’s physically possible. ):

I’ve decided to get back to The Cure Program full-time. Well, as much time as possible. I’ve also asked Professor Harding to edit it for me, and he’s agreed. I need to have it finished by xmas break so that he can look at it. In the meantime he is going to help me with the parts I’m stuck on. The bad side of this is that I am dropping NaNoWriMo this year.

I’ve participated in NaNoWriMo since 2005. That year, I finished writing a novel for the first time — but did not make it to the 50,000 word mark. Up until then I had started several novels and left them in limbo. In 2006 I quit because I wasn’t happy with what I was writing and I didn’t have the time (it was my first semester of college). In 2007, I won but didn’t finish the novel. To me, I have won twice. I have already gotten the full NaNo-experience, and I think it is more important to finish The Cure Program rather than let it collect dust. I don’t have time to do both. I need to jump on the opportunities that I have: my professor will be available at the end of the semester to edit for me, and the genre I am writing in is apparently very hot right now.

So, during the month of November, I will finish my baby. I will finish writing it and prepare to begin the editing process. In December or January, I will start contacting agents. Thumbtacks will get written, just not right now.

I do, however, plan to attend the write-ins for my NaNoWriMo regional group. That way I’ll have specific time set aside to write, and I can get to know some other writers in my area. Hopefully they won’t mind hanging out with a NaNo-dropout.

I don’t think I can sit here much longer but I need my Visual Basic professor to look at my programs!

Lately I’ve fallen ridiculously behind in VB, which I’d been sort of ahead in to begin with. At this point I’ve completely given up on trying to read the chapters, and have been printing out his lecture slides instead. I still have two and a half assignments to finish, and tonight he is giving us another one. At least I’m all caught up with Creative Writing (I just have to edit poems to hand in for my portfolio).

Between all of the pain I’ve been in lately and this maddening rush to catch up on school work, I’m beat. Pile on a few other personal things and I’m ready to hop on a plane to Florida. (Besides, it’s warm down there!) I like to say that I thrive under pressure, and normally I do, but right now I’d rather ignore certain things than face them like a man — um, woman.

As for something totally random, I managed to smash two of my fingers in the door of the Director of Student Activities’ office. My middle finger has a crescent shaped blood blister below my nail and it hurts. It’s kind of cool looking but it kind of grosses me out.

NaNoWriMo starts in less than ten days and I still need to finish my characters’ profile sheets and my outline. I wonder if my professors and boyfriend would be okay with it if I totally ignored everything else just so I can get ready to write?

I need to follow Miss Britt’s lead and prioritize. (If you want to skip my boring to-do list, help me figure out why we beat ourselves up!)

I have a long list of projects. Every time I turn around, another one pops up and insists on being completed as well. (For example, as I plan this year’s NaNoWriMo novel an old WIP pops up and begs to be completed.) I have priorities and I have things that I think are priorities. The question is, which are which? (more…)

Things have been very frustrating lately, but I’ve decided that the only way to deal with them is by writing and ignoring the things stressing me out. Easy to say, tough to do. Still, I think that by focusing mainly on my writing this coming winter I might just make it out of everything alive. Mainly, there are two people who are causing me the most stress. One is a family member and the other is a good friend. Both are for very different reasons — or are they? There is nothing I can do about either of them, considering one is seen as a golden child in the eyes of everyone else (so who is going to believe me when I say that this person treats my sister and I like dirt?) and the other yeah-I-knows me but continues to do what they do anyway. I do have to say that I’ve decided not to take anymore shit from either of these people, no matter what the consequences may be. I’d rather have them and everyone else angry with me than be treated like shit. I do matter, despite what these people’s actions may say.

Anyway. My back is still hurting. Every once in a while — like when I stand up — I’ll get a nasty little spasm, and for the most part it just aches in general. It’s all in the lower back, which was what I hurt when I fell last winter. (I sound like an old person. Oh my goodness.) I’ve noticed that since then it will hurt occasionally for a few days, no matter how much rest I give it or how many times I pop Aleve. I’ve accepted that it’s probably something I’m going to have to deal with for the rest of my life, but I don’t like it. Speaking of pain, I am still getting pain in my arms — still mainly in my left arm. As I type this my fingers are not very happy. ): I’ve accepted that this too is something I am going to have to deal with, unless I can magically find a good doctor who can actually figure out what’s wrong.

I didn’t mean to make this a complaint post, but that’s exactly what it’s turned out to be. Sigh. Here are some good things that have been happening: (more…)

Quickie post in bullets, ’cause I want to get to work on a couple writing projects ASAP!

• I’m not too happy with a certain person named after one of my favorite TV characters right now. “Jude” seems to be blowing me off left and right for “Tommy”.
• My back is killing me and has been since yesterday.
• I received my financial aid refund from this semester yesterday. It was for over $500 and is all going to the get-me-a-better-car-NOW fund.
• I plan on submitting to several writing contests in the next couple of weeks.
• I just realized that I have some Aleve in the house and it just might help my back.
• I picked up a copy of Stephenie Meyer’s The Host and plan on starting it as soon as I finish Stephen King’s Gerald’s Game — which is very good, by the way. I want to pick up copies of Cut (Patricia McCormick — all three of her books look good), Go Ask Alice (Anonymous, everyone should read this), The Giver (Lois Lowry, amazing YA novel) and a few other YA novels to get a feel for what the genre is looking for. (My NaNo novel this month is YA.)
• Mike turned 24 — and old in my opinion — as of the 10th. Happy birthday, oldtimer.
• I have three new poems I will post probably tomorrow. Thursday night put me in a poetry-writing mood. I think I like poetry now.
• There’s something wrong with this theme, so I’m pretty sure that these bullets are going to be FUBAR when I post this. I think it’s time for me to develop my own damn theme. Heh.

I promise a real post soon!

I have under a month to finish outlining my novel for this year’s NaNoWriMo!

During the month of November — as in ever November since 2005 — I’ll be writing daily or near-daily posts with my word count, goal, some thoughts on my progress (or lack thereof), and maybe an excerpt here and there.

My novel this year is about two young men who fall in love with each other. One of them has never realized that he is gay, and the other has a traumatic past that stems from the loss of the love of his life. (When I write it like this, it sounds so cheesy.) This is a story I’ve been wanting to write for five years. It’s more of a tragedy, really. I’ve attempted to write this novel before, but ran out of steam. Everything else has always taken precedence. It’s basically about how each of them help each other grow, and one character learns to go on and live rather than feel sorry for himself because of losing someone.

Anyway, I should be doing homework right now. I’m just really excited about NaNoWriMo!

Is anyone else doing it this year? What is your novel about?

Look, two posts in one day!

I finally jumped on the bandwagon and picked up a copy of Twilight. I hemmed and hawed, letting everyone know how much I hate the Teen genre and how much I hate doing things that are overrated.. and five pages in I was riveted.

So if you’re like me and are stubbornly refusing to read it, give it up. Go get a copy.

In other news, I bought one of those lap desks and I am loving it. NaNoWriMo should be relatively less painful this year.

I’ve been thinking about my decision to write a memoir this November, and the more I think about it the less I want to do it. I’ve tried to do this before, and each time ended up stopping. Mainly I think my problem is that people I know might read it, and it might scare them. A lot of it scares me.

So after thinking about it for a few days, I’ve decided this: I’m going to write a novel based on the things I’ve been through. That way, it’ll still be helpful to me and to others out there, but I won’t feel like I’m throwing myself in front of a train. If anyone close to me reads it (like, my parents or boyfriend), they probably won’t be as scared because it will be a work of “fiction”. (Yes, I know. My logic is so lacking here.)

This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I was thinking about what would happen if my old friend Donny suddenly showed up in town. I haven’t seen him in almost ten years, since Devon died in the 6th grade. Every once in a while I think about him and wonder how he’s doing; he was really good friends with Devon. So anyway, during all of this, I was humming “Mr. Man” (Alicia Keys and Jimmy Cozier song) to myself and BAM! something clicked. Now I have an idea for a story that I am going to write as soon as I get out of work. I keep looking at the clock and it is taking forever.

So basically, this story got me thinking about the memoir again and how I could do the same thing, but on a larger scale. I think this will make it more fun for me to write, too; now I can write to entertain myself, without worrying about what others will think of it. Because, let’s face it, it’s gonna be on my friggin blog. I need to not worry about what I’m writing as I write it, since that’s the whole point of NaNoWriMo.

Okay. Yeah. Neurotic much?

Anyway. I can’t wait until 1:15 so I can leave and go home and write!

PS: I just realized how bad this all might sound: “Mr. Man” and me being curious about an old friend. I don’t, in any way, mean that I’d up and dump Mike if Donny were to come back to town. I just mean that I’d love to talk to him, make sure he’s okay after everything that happened. “Mr. Man” just happened to be stuck in my head, which usually happens in the morning. (I often wake up with a random song stuck in my head. Yesterday it was “I Want It That Way” by the Backstreet Boys. Yeah. “Mr. Man” just happened to be inspiring.)

I knew I wanted to do something different for NaNoWriMo this year, since I finished last year. I knew I wanted to do it on this blog, just ’cause I can.

I have attempted a few times to write a memoir, and several people have asked if I have written one or would write one. I had sort of given up on the idea, but now I think it’s time to share my story. After reading and hearing other people’s stories, and sharing some of my story on Rising Above Radio, I want to share my own. I want others to know they are not alone. I’m scared to death of doing this, but I want to.

So, for this year’s NaNoWriMo–aka National Novel Writing Month–I’m going to write a memoir, on this blog, every day adding a little more to the story. I think I will probably change everyone’s names, including my own, just to make it a little easier for myself to talk about it. I think I’ll probably write about it in the third-person, past tense as well, just to make it a little easier. It scares me to death to share these things, but I’m going to do it. I mean, it scared me to death to talk about my battle with self-injury on internet radio, but I did it and got so much positive feedback and so many thank yous that I see it as totally worth it.

Plus, it will gain me a second year of winning; I’ll never get writers’ block! I think I’ll start going through my old journals and blogs soon and start outlining things. I just need a title now, and it always takes me forever to come up with these things. D:

Edit: Would it be totally lame if I called it Perpetual Smile?