Perpetual Smile

This weekend was not exactly the best. It wasn’t really the worst, either.

Right now I’m supposed to be working on the mailing list for Letters of Love. If only I could stay focused. (Maybe I should go get some sleep instead.)

I went and got hot chocolate with Sandy tonight and I’m really sad that it’s gone now.

I think that when I get my vacation time at work I will spend my week off doing nothing but writing and playing video games. I don’t do much of either anymore. Speaking of writing, I owe Professor Harding (for Creative Writing) two extra poems. He claims I am not writing enough poetry. He is an evil, evil man.

I learned a very hard lesson this weekend. It’s not easy to accept these kinds of things, especially not for me.

I am very, very proud of Letters of Love. (Now if only I could get the website’s design finished.) I just realized that it has been going strong for nearly eight months. That’s a really long time for something so new, especially on the internet. The group involved has not really changed from the beginning, and more and more new pen pals are joining every day. I’m really proud of myself for doing this. I don’t mean to sound egotistic. I am just very proud of myself and Letters of Love. I’m glad that it is still going strong and has been able to help so many people.

I do a lot of networking because of Letters of Love. Jenna, founder of Rising Above, recently announced her latest book project. She is collecting letters from survivors of abuse, to themselves or their abusers. If you have a MySpace account, you can view the event posting here, or you can email Jenna for more information.

If you know anyone who might be interested, please pass this on!

For the first time, I saw someone badmouth TWLOHA. (In case you haven’t heard of them, TWLOHA — To Write Love On Her Arms — is a charity devoted to helping people struggling with depression, self-injury and addiction.) In a thread on Absolute Punk announcing Renee Yohe’s book Purpose for the Pain, someone said

This ‘charity’ doesn’t make sense to me.

and someone else said

as sketchy charities go, I think this one is way up there and I don’t feel the need to support anything that they do. if the girl wants to write a book then fair play to her, she’s got an easy route to do so and a ready made audience. the poetry section looks dire though.

I’m not sure how TWLOHA doesn’t make sense, nor am I sure how they are sketchy. I’ve seen sketchy “non-profit organizations” (namely on MySpace), and they don’t do any sort of public speaking or any other kind of activity. The people at TWLOHA write blogs, talk to real people, attend concerts and speak in front of the audiences about depression/self-injury/addiction, sell merchandise and donate the money made to different charities, run internships, educate people about not only depression/self-injury/addiction but also other things (such as the crises in Uganda, other non-profits that are making a difference, and are currently campaigning to save 1-800-SUICIDE.

Now tell me, how does any of that sound “sketchy”?

Maybe I’m biased, because I’ve struggled with depression and self-injury, and I know people dear to me who have struggled with addiction (and lost the battle). Maybe these experiences make me blind, and my blind self is contributing to the scam that is TWLOHA. I don’t believe this at all. I haven’t seen or heard anything to make me question the people at TWLOHA and their intentions. I haven’t doubted for one second their passion for this cause. It makes me so angry to see people say such slanderous, stupid things. Maybe it’s because they’ve never experienced the pain of depression. Maybe they are some of the lucky ones out there who have never wanted to take their own lives. Maybe they think that people who cut themselves with deadly-sharp knives and burn themselves with cigarettes and lighters are just looking for attention. (Because hurting myself like that is gonna make me so fucking cool, right?) Maybe they think that this is a fad that’s gonna pass.

Depression, self-injury and addiction are not fads. I have seen first-hand, through myself and people I love, what these three things can do to your life. I have known the pain of self-hatred. I’ve lost a friend to addiction. I’ve almost lost family members to addiction. I’ve almost lost a best friend to depression. I’ve seen boyfriends become addicted to alcohol and several drugs. I’ve seen and heard so much about lives being destroyed. Every day I read posts on the Letters of Love Community, and read letters and emails about depression. These are real feelings. You will never know what it is like until you are already there, and by then it’s too late. I am so sick of people judging other people. I am so sick of people who are depressed being put down by those squeaky clean members of society who think they are above everyone else. Of course they don’t “get” TWLOHA. Why would they?

These lyrics from the Flobots song “Stand Up” remind me of what we fight for.

Stand up, we shall not be moved
Except by a child with no socks or shoes
If you’ve got more to give than you’ve got to prove
Put your hands up and I’ll copy you

TWLOHA is mainly about helping people, about reaching out. This charity is the whole reason I started Letters of Love. It’s about reaching out to others and being there to listen. It’s not about fame or glory, or a fad. It’s not about attention. It’s about real people, with real feelings. I know; I’ve been there.

So when I see these comments, like

Eh. Anything having to do with TWLOHA makes me a little wary, to be honest.

or

This “charity” is pretty weird.. I think I read that only 10% (Maybe it was 25%, but still) makes it to actual hotlines and other resources… The rest of it goes to you know, expenses… like their house. and their bungalow. and their trips to the UK so they can spend 5 minutes reading a poem before Switchfoot goes on. It just seems ridiculous to me that everyone buys into it. And the fact that some of the money goes to faith-based charities irks me too.

I just have to laugh. If you don’t get it now, you never will.

We shall not be moved.

Yes, you read that right! I have been asked by Jenna of Rising Above to guest on RA’s online radio show and represent Letters of Love. The show is an hour long and I am honored to have this opportunity.

Jenna also asked me to send her a list of topics to be covered during the show. That’s where you come in! What would you like to hear about while we’re on the air? Log in to the Letters of Love Community and go to the Letters of Love on Rising Above Radio announcement to leave your suggestions.

I will do my best to cover everything you guys suggest.

On the night of the show, you can go to Rising Above Radio and listen online. (You must have Windows Media Player on your computer, so if you don’t have it see about getting it now beforehand.)

I am so excited about this, and also a little nervous, so any topics you suggest will be a huge help!

Also, if you don’t mind helping promote the upcoming show, I would be very grateful. Just right-click and save as the above image and plaster it wherever you can. I want to help Jenna get as many listeners as possible, and of course I want to spread the word about Letters of Love.

I hope you’re having an awesome day, and remember that you are loved.

-Elizabeth

Since my life pretty much revolves around To Write Love On Her Arms and you’ll be hearing a lot about it, I guess I should write about it! It’s kind of a long story, so kick back, pop open a beer (or soda) and relax.

I guess you can call me a veteran of depression. I still have scars from my self-injury habits. I still have days where I feel like I’m going to break into a billion pieces. I’ve come so far in the last five years that I don’t recognize the girl I used to be, but I’m not sad about it. Without that girl, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Several suicide attempts and failed relationships later, I think I’m a mostly strong and independent young woman who can now lead a successful and healthy life. I wouldn’t be who I am today if I didn’t have the support system that I have and if I hadn’t made up my mind to get better. Some people don’t have that will or that support system.

Anyway, not too long ago I heard this song called “Misery Business” by a band called Paramore. I’m sure you’ve heard of them. At first the song annoyed the hell out of me, but as it usually goes I fell in love with it and had to have the album. I went to their website because I wanted to know a little more about them. On Paramore’s website, they have a section where they talk about their favorite charities. To Write Love On Her Arms–or TWLOHA–caught my eye. I guess it’s because I subconsciously knew what it was all about, or at least hoped so.

It’s hard to put into words exactly how I felt after reading through TWLOHA’s site and looking at the TWLOHA MySpace. Mostly I felt really good, because someone was doing something to help people suffering with depression, addiction and self-injury. I wished that TWLOHA had been around when I needed it, but was really glad that they are around to help people who need it now. I also felt like I needed to do something.

Unfortunately, there wasn’t a TWLOHA Streetteam like there is now. The awesome people of TWLOHA were working on it but hadn’t quite gotten it up and running yet. I really wanted to be a part of what was going on, but I didn’t know how. I wrote about it in my personal journal (you know, the kind you actually write in) and told everyone I knew about it: my sister, my mom, my best friend, my grandmother, my boyfriend. I racked my brain for several days trying to come up with something. I was just beginning to feel frustrated when I stumbled upon a blog community online that is in support of TWLOHA.

Basically the community was for anyone who supported TWLOHA and wanted to talk about their experiences. Someone had mentioned that maybe the members of the community should write letters–and BAM! Letters of Love was born.

Letters of Love is my response to TWLOHA. I thought that if we all had something to look forward to, like a good old-fashioned letter in the mail, maybe we wouldn’t be so sad. We could talk about what we were going through, talk about music and movies, talk about our days in general. I started the Letters of Love MySpace around Valentine’s Day 2008 and received an enormous response. It was almost overwhelming; the MySpace page got friend requests almost every five or ten minutes. Several people wanted letters.

Some of those friend requests were from other groups who, like me and my Letters of Love, had been inspired by TWLOHA and wanted to do something. I made a lot of friends, many of whom I talk to on a daily basis. I write letters to several pen pals whose letters always make me smile. I get emails and comments all the time about how much people love writing Letters of Love and how I’ve inspired them. Every time someone tells me how much they love the project, I smile.

Letters of Love has gotten so big now that we have our own website. We have a blog–entitled Scars Can Speak–written by everyday people who have experienced depression, self-injury and addiction or who have friends or family members who have experienced these things. I started the Letters of Love Community so that we could all talk to each other, rather than only connecting on MySpace.

Because of TWLOHA, I’ve been given a purpose beyond going to work and class every day. I’ve made many wonderful friends who always make me smile. I’ve gotten back to using snail mail, rather than the internet that we all take for granted. I’ve also been a lot happier, helping others, than I’ve been in a long time.