I just have one question for you today, my friends: When Twitter goes down, and you want to tweet about it, what do you do? I think you need to sign up for rehab. And yes, I’m actually talking about myself.
I forgot to set goals for this month. Yes, I set New Year’s resolutions, but in the grand scheme of things, the little goals are what will carry me through and help me accomplish the bigger goals. Or at least make me feel like I’m accomplishing them.
The problem is that we’re already almost halfway through January. RATS! So I’ll just have to settle for even smaller small goals:
Finish the Kirk section of Secondhand Mom. This is a section that flashes back to my main character’s second most important past romantic relationship and accounts for who she is in the present. It also sets up one of the most important subplots in the book: The Love Triangle. I grew up loathing love triangles, but it’s pretty integral to this story. (While we’re talking about writing, could you please give me some advice?)
Code WordPress theme for Perpetual Smile. I seriously need to JUST DO IT. Hopefully, this week will bring the end of a HUGE client project, which will give me the free time necessary to do this.
Code “Super Secret and Exciting Web Project” and release into the wild. This should literally take me a day to do, and it’s going to be a great piece for my portfolio, so I need to JUST DO IT, too.
Meanwhile, I also need to not lose my mind. There is so much going on that I don’t even know how to begin writing about it. I really wish life would give me a break.
Merely want to say your article is striking. The clearness in your post is simply spectacular and i can assume you are an expert on this subject. Well with your permission allow me to grab your rss feed to keep up to date with incoming post. Thanks a million and please keep up the effective work.
This is what spectacular looks like in the morning.
In short: my writing is striking, spectacular, and I am an effective expert. Thank you, spambot.
The problem with this title scheme, guys, is that there are only so many Z words. The only Z word I can think of is zebra. This is where you come in.
I need you to leave me comments with your favorite Z words. I’m especially counting on the spambots, since they are getting pretty damn smart. Not that you humans aren’t smart. I’m just saying that the spambots tend to spit stuff out depending on what they see. So if they see the letter Z, they are going to go crazy and leave all kinds of Z words.
In fact, I think that spambots are the next superior race on planet Earth.
What spambots will be saying about us in the future on their spambot oatmeal packets.
They will be so much more advanced than us, in ways that I — in all of my spambot-blessed expertise — cannot ever imagine. I mean, they’re already ahead of us. They are INVISIBLE, for crying out loud! If a spambot was here in my house right now, looking over my shoulder as I type this, I wouldn’t know it.
So maybe Allie can one-up the spambots. I’m not sure. But I do know that they are going to be the next superior race, and before this happens I need to write as many L-I-Z acronym posts as possible. (My apologies to those of you who thought this one was gonna be about lesbians in sexy zebra stripe underwear.) So give me your best Z words, or the Fun-Size Kitty of DOOM will eat you!
The glowing eyes mean that she is charging up for ATTACK!
Donated Z Words: Please note that Z words are rare and endangered. Donating a Z word to my blog will keep them safe from spambots and Fun-Size kitties.
And then @BookGeekGal kicked some major Z ass (01/10/2010, 12:49am):
Spambots, you are letting me down! Are you really going to let a bunch of humans out-Z you?
Update 01/10/2010, 12:56am: The spambots are fighting back, but instead of Z words, they’re insulting me!
This means war!!
Update 01/10/2010, 1:34am:
They're going to overtake us!!
Update 01/10/2010, 2:34am: It’s totally fucking weird that I’m updating EXACTLY AN HOUR LATER, but it’s even weirder that the spambots are now kicking our asses. They can speak an assload of Russian, so they win this battle 3-2. I am too lazy to take and post a screenshot, but believe me, they dumped a whole mess of Russian into my blog comments. (Thank goodness for Akismet, or they would have taken over my blog!)
Their hefty block of Cyrillic smack-talking translates to:
Listen up, puny Earthlings. We are INVISIBLE, have no need for Z words, and can DESTROY your bandwidth with just the power of our MINDS. Also, we speak Russian and 19 million other languages, including ones you have not discovered yet. Surrender now or prepare to fight! Meow, that’s right!†
We will get them next time…
†If you can tell me what this is from WITHOUT GOOGLING, because that would show weakness to the spambots, I’ll whore your blog/Twitter/website/pictures of your cat on my Twitter.
Posted in Fun Stuff on 12/20/2009 02:27 pm by Elizabeth Kaylene
In my high school class, I was the token goth chick, complete with black beeswaxed hair, black lipstick, fishnet, and awesome knee high (platform) boots. Dir en grey (during their super crazy goth days) were my inspiration:
(By the way, “Hotarubi” is my all-time favorite Dir en grey song. I loved them until I met them after a concert and they completely ignored me. Douchebags.)
My favorite outfit involved straight-jacket pants — you know, the ones with tons of belts and buckles preventing you from running if, say, a crazed serial killer or rapist (or your high school science teacher) came after you. And a trenchcoat. Oh yeah, I couldn’t survive without the trenchcoat. (I still have lots of this wardrobe in storage. It’s going to be fun whenever I get to look at it all again.)
Anyway, most people were either afraid of me, talked a lot of shit about me, or were morbidly curious and talked to me on occasion. Mostly, they just couldn’t figure me out. Back then, that bugged me. Now I think it’s pretty cool. However, if they had known my biggest secret, they might not have been so scared.
At 15, I still played with Barbies.
Whoops, there goes my street cred.
My sister and I always played elaborate, daytime Emmy worthy games with our Barbies that would last weeks if we were careful. We both had great imaginations, and since there weren’t any kids in our neighborhood to play with we spent a lot of time inside together. We had a few cars, a plane, a limousine, and two campers, and TONS of dolls. There were the two hot twin Kens, my New Kids On the Block Ken, my hispanic Barbie, my African-American Barbie with the super cool short and veryvery curly hair, the hot blond Barbie who still smelled like the perfume she’d been sprayed with in the factory over ten years before, and a whole bunch more that I don’t really remember.
That was the last year that I really played with them, but I’ll always remember the good times Lauren and I had, spending the days of our childhood actually playing out the lives of the people we’d made up rather than just dressing and undressing our dolls.
Now I’m older and it’s not kosher to play with Barbies anymore, but I totally want to buy a Barbie and make my own Barbie of the Undead. Seriously. Click it. You know you want to.
What was your favorite toy as a kid? What are your best childhood memories of that toy? Share in the comments below!
Posted in Fun Stuff on 12/13/2009 11:39 am by Elizabeth Kaylene
I knew Mike was superstitious about Game Day, but I never knew just how bad it was! The following Facebook IM transcript depicts devout superstition. Reader beware, you’re in for a scare!
Elizabeth: can i wear a jersey? <3<3
Mike: um no
Elizabeth: WHAT
Mike: i only have that one manning jersey
Elizabeth: you always wear two you liar
Mike: no i wear the the shirt robbie gave to me and my long white sleeve and the manning
Elizabeth: you wear two jerseys
and that shirt
Mike: no i do not [know] what your talking about
Elizabeth: of course you don't - it's because you're LYING because you don't want me to wear it!
Mike: white long sleeve,grey soupcan shirt and the the manning
Elizabeth: plus the sanders or something
and i have a big blister on my heel ):
Mike: i cant wear the sanders cause he is out for season and if i wear it brings bad luck
Elizabeth: but you've BEEN wearing it!!
Mike: my unitas only gets worn when we play baltimore
Elizabeth: i make fun of you EVERY. TIME. because it's funny that you wear all of those clothes!
Mike: i havent wore my sanders since octobers injury
this is my routine and it works ok so back off
Posted in Fun Stuff on 12/08/2009 04:45 pm by Elizabeth Kaylene
I really, really liked this Great Interview Experiment thing that’s been going around, so I decided to jump on the bandwagon.
When I signed up, I read the comment ahead of me, thinking that the commenter would probably be the person I’d interview and that I should read some of their blog. The link led me to The Adventures of Being a Dick, by Mepsipax. Initially, I shrugged and started reading: Mike is a self-proclaimed asshole, so I figured it couldn’t get any worse.
Even better, Neil (the guy heading this experiment) warned me when assigning me to interview Mepsipax! But this dude’s blog is hilarious, in a “damn, that’s true” kind of way. So once you finish this interview, go say hi (and check out his The Pain of Stupid section)!
You talk a lot about stuff that pisses you off on your blog, but what do you like?
There are a lot of things I like. Pie for instance. It is a delicious snack and a complex mathematical concept. MMMMM pie.
Stabbing people is good too. It’s a great workout by the way. All the running and screaming.
Actually, I like the outdoors a lot and video games. My girlfriend likes to call me an adrenaline junky but I don’t think so. I like to travel, scuba dive, hike, snowboard, and of course ride my motorcycle. Fast.
I know you really love your job. You’ve described it as a little boy’s dream. But what if your current job didn’t exist? What would your dream job be then?
Wow, that is close to me telling you what I do. I am keeping that a secret.
I am sure I would find something because I like a lot of different things. I have worked as an electrical technician in the Marine Corps (and yes I looked good in uniform) for unmanned planes, worked in the Air Force, building planes in the private sector, laid floors and carpets in houses, dishwasher, waiter, convenience store clerk.. a long long list.
I would probably end up in some scientific field.
I just discovered that you’re a single dad. What do you think is the hardest thing about raising a kid on your own? (Aside from, you know, having to let ‘em come out of the cupboard, basement, or whatever your favorite child stashing spot is.)
The hardest thing is not having feedback. There is no one there to take any flak for making the wrong decision. It is all you.
There’s a mepsipax on Twitter. Is that you?
No, that bastard got the name first. Mepsipax_s_free is me but it is a lame twitter.
What would you do if it were snowing — would you still ride your motorcycle? Do you have a backup car? Does it even snow where you live?
It will be snowing Friday. The gods are laughing at me. And yes, unfortunately, I will be riding my bike. I do not have a car. It doesn’t snow here often. However, no one here (except me of course) knows how to drive so it gets really dangerous. Most things shut down.
Last year, I had a car I borrowed. I didn’t want to borrow it (pride is involved) but my girlfriend’s stepmom wanted me to have it for the winter. She goes out of state and didn’t want it to sit. The logic of the decision was there but I still was wary. But heated seats and well heated anything is a good thing in the winter. I drove it for a couple months. The day I went to return it, and meet her, something happened.
Yes, you heard right. I had never met this woman. And her car was an Audi. I was so out of my league. Well, to make a long story short, I totalled the car. Less. than. two. blocks. from my destination. The day I was returning the car. It wasn’t my fault. And the guy who hit me? Yeah, it was his girlfriend’s dad’s car. Irony…
What’s the most rewarding thing about being a single parent?
Seeing my kid grow up without dying. Seriously that is a feat.
Actually, the most rewarding thing is never having to do dishes. I swear it is to teach him responsibility and not because I am lazy.
Do you have a beard? I imagine you as clean shaven, for some reason.
Actually, I do have a beard. I look like a twelve year old without facial hair of some sort. I have been experimenting lately. I was clean shaven for a while and that didn’t work out well. The goatee was good for college. Now, I am sporing the beard. We actually celebrate Movember at work, so the hilarity of facial hair is not lost upon me. I swear it looks like a child molester group meeting.
I bet you have a secret blog about puppies, rainbows, and kittens. Can you give me the URL?
No, I hate puppies and kittens. They are good with barbeque sauce.
Really?
1. You think I would admit that. Hey, I got a rep to keep.
And 2. I don’t know you that well. That site is only for my BFF’s.
Posted in Fun Stuff on 11/28/2009 10:50 am by Elizabeth Kaylene
Stole this from Avitable, but he said to so it’s technically not really stealing. Also, I promise to post an update on my grandfather soon. I’m just kind of absorbing everything right now and also don’t want to post anything here in case someone in the family who doesn’t know yet sees it. Not that anyone actually reads my blog, but you know what I mean.
If I was a/an _____, I’d be ______
TV show: Gilmore Girls Song: “It’s Nice to Know You Work Alone,” by Silversun Pickups Movie: The Crow Book:The Dark Tower IV: Wizard and Glass, by Stephen King Fictional character: Shoshanna (Inglourious Basterds) City: Las Vegas Verb: run Color: black Animal: cat Emotion: pain Article of clothing: tee shirt Flavor: sweet and sour Food: McDonald’s fries Vice: lust Plant: ivy Mythological animal: dragon Letter: S Inanimate object: Post-It School Activity: sleep Positive attribute: stubborn Negative attribute: stubborn
