Perpetual Smile

The black night sky presses down on us, erases the trees and other forest foliage that would normally be comforting. We sit around a fire that should light up the clearing but offers no warmth or light tonight. I can barely make out the others’ faces, blurred and featureless. The only one clear to me is the brunette squatting five or so feet from me, but even his face is hard to make out. I just know he has dark hair. I also know that he is my boyfriend. (more…)

Nothing about today is good. My back pain is back; I spent last night tossing and turning because not only was it in my lower back but also in my front hips. I also had a bad dream, so all in all it made for a pretty sleepless night. I dreamed I was some blond runaway and my runaway, brunette and abusive boyfriend got me knocked up. He beat me up so bad that I had a miscarriage. The dream flickered to me lying on a hospital table to me in some house where everyone was dead and I had a gun to defend myself from — I’m assuming — my abusive dream boyfriend. Talk about a vivid — and somewhat depressing — mind. I don’t dream that vividly very often, but when I do they’re usually really crazy.

Maybe I’m having more issues with what happened to me than I initially thought.

I went to the chiropractor this afternoon and then to Wal-Mart. I got some stuff to make cards with for the Letters of Love Greeting Card Challenge and stuff for my crafts class on Monday. I also got some sugar cookie mix, which was a pick-me-up — at the time.

Then I got home, and all hell broke loose. Mike and I got into a fight, Lauren and I got into a fight, and now I have no energy to get anything done that I need to get done. I have piles upon piles of things to do, and it’s so overwhelming that I don’t want to do any of it. I hung out with Nikki last night and although it was a nice break it’s just another reminder that I hardly ever get to just relax. Even when I’m hanging out with my friends or Mike, my mind is constantly racing, thinking of all the things I need to get done. I can’t relax, because I’m too busy being preoccupied with what I think I should be doing instead of having fun.

To top it off, my McAfee subscription is expired. I probably shouldn’t be online right now.

Okay, so I know I promised to do an I am.. post soon — and I do want to do one, specifically about how impulsive I am — but there are about a zillion things zipping through my head right now. So.

Breaking Dawn is freaking awesome so far. The more I read, the more Stephenie Meyer is becoming one of my favorite authors — possibly an all-time favorite. (I should probably read Host before I say that, but whatever.) Wherever she ends up on my list of favs, I hope she never stops writing. She truly is gifted. That being said, I really want to start concentrating on some writing. I have a zillion projects I want to start and a zillion projects I need to finish. I wish there was some way I could discipline myself a little more. It’s just hard to ignore the new ideas until I finish the old. (See? Toldja I was impulsive.) I’m hoping that taking that creative writing course this semester may help me balance a little better. Obviously I (probably) can’t use old work for the assignments, so I can (probably) humor my new ideas in class and work on finishing the older stuff in my free time. Hopefully. I really need to rethink my time management skills. Makes me wonder how teachers could have ever put that “uses time well” comment on any of my report cards.

Speaking of time management, I need to finish the websites I’ve been working on. I need to get ekbdesigns.com looking a little more professional, and lettersoflove.net needs to be finished like, yesterday, so that I can add it to lists. I’ll probably feel less guilty about pursuing side projects, and with ekbdesigns.com finished I can probably get some actual work. (My trip to Indianapolis is so not gonna pay for itself.)

Back to Breaking Dawn. I’ve been having really vivid dreams lately. I dreamed last night that I was Bella and Mike was Edward. Heh. I was even dressed in clothes I wouldn’t normally wear. It was cool being a vampire. The dream was just getting good and then I woke up — for the zillionth time. I slept really poorly last night. I’m not sure why. At about 4, 4:30 this morning the garbage truck came by. When the hell did those things get so loud? It sounded like the most annoying ringtone ever going off. I see no reason for them to be so loud, especially when they’re collecting garbage at the ass-crack of dawn. I would love to shoot the moron who designed the newer garbage trucks, for his total ignorance.

Where the hell was I going with this post? Yikes. I don’t know if it’s the lack of sleep, but I totally can’t function today.

Oh. Yeah. I accidentally dropped my phone into a cup of water last night. Heh. My eyes bugged out and I said, “oh, oh” over and over. My aunt Rikki ran over and dropped the phone into a brown paper bag, sent me upstairs to blowdry it out, and the phone works fine now. She’s a genius. I swear.

Sorry this post is so all over the damn place. When I composed today’s post in my head last night — hoping that it might help me fall back asleep — it sounded a lot more together than this. I promise something rational later!

I haven’t been sleeping well the last couple of nights.

I had a dream last night that I had to stop and get gas. I stopped at one station and didn’t like their prices so I moved on to a Sunoco. Noticing that the price was steadily dropping down, I decided to wait for it to go a little lower. Finally, it dropped to 88¢ and I put $10 into my car.

Yeah, I really was dreaming.

I had the weirdest dream. I was working in a grocery store, and there was this section of carts in the back of the store. In one of the carts–aisle 9, row 11 to be exact, hahaha–were this little blond boy and brunette girl. They were no older than three and, like you always do in dreams, I knew they had been left there. So I went to who I’m guessing was my boss in the dream and reported them. He said he would call DCF or whatever and I said I would take care of them in the meantime.

I headed to the back of the store again and ran into two old friends from high school. We’ll call them Greg and Tom. I jumped up on Greg and almost knocked him over. “You’re an asshole,” he said, laughing. I also gave Tom a hug, which is weird because in real life I can’t stand him. We started playing with those Nerf dart guns and tackling each other, hahaha. I told them I was looking for the kids and we made our way back to the carts, but the kids were gone. And of course, that’s where I woke up.

I don’t know why in hell I would dream about Greg and Tom. I haven’t seen either of them in probably a year, and Tom terrifies me. I also have no idea why I was working in a grocery store and why I didn’t get fired for playing Nerf gunslingers. Still, I occasionally miss Greg and sometimes wish Tom weren’t such a dickhead–er, I wish he hadn’t beat up my friend “Marissa” when they dated.