Perpetual Smile

This turned out to be a longer post than I intended. It’s (most) of my woes, so if you want to skip it and read something more cheery, I recommend the Fun stuff category. Otherwise, leave a comment and tell me about your woes. It’s not all about me here, anyway.

This morning on my way to work, I passed a Sunoco and glanced at the price. It was $1.99 a gallon (cash). While most of us rejoice at this lower, Walmart-style price, there’s that nagging feeling in the back of my head that says, “this is bad.” I am only vaguely aware that the reason for the lower gas prices is the declining stock market. The people around me who know about these things — like KJ at work — tell me that the price of gas is going to keep going down, since the stock market won’t be going up anytime soon.

It’s a Catch 22, just like my own financial situation. I ranted a little about this on Scars Can Speak (the Letters of Love blog), and I’ve been writing in my own journal every day about different ways to tackle this problem. Either way, I lose on something. If, for example, I get a second job, I’ll be doing even more running from place to place and who knows how I’ll get my school work done for the rest of the semester. If I get more hours or can go full-time at my current job, I’ll only be able to take two classes next semester rather than getting a full head start on my BA. If I can’t get more hours at my current job and can’t get a second job, I’ll have to leave my current job (which I really like) for a full-time corporate job. Yes, I’d be making more money, but I wouldn’t be able to go back to school full-time for a while. I’d have to be a part-time student. It would take forever. I am so career-oriented and want everything done yesterday that it would drive me nuts. (more…)

Nothing about today is good. My back pain is back; I spent last night tossing and turning because not only was it in my lower back but also in my front hips. I also had a bad dream, so all in all it made for a pretty sleepless night. I dreamed I was some blond runaway and my runaway, brunette and abusive boyfriend got me knocked up. He beat me up so bad that I had a miscarriage. The dream flickered to me lying on a hospital table to me in some house where everyone was dead and I had a gun to defend myself from — I’m assuming — my abusive dream boyfriend. Talk about a vivid — and somewhat depressing — mind. I don’t dream that vividly very often, but when I do they’re usually really crazy.

Maybe I’m having more issues with what happened to me than I initially thought.

I went to the chiropractor this afternoon and then to Wal-Mart. I got some stuff to make cards with for the Letters of Love Greeting Card Challenge and stuff for my crafts class on Monday. I also got some sugar cookie mix, which was a pick-me-up — at the time.

Then I got home, and all hell broke loose. Mike and I got into a fight, Lauren and I got into a fight, and now I have no energy to get anything done that I need to get done. I have piles upon piles of things to do, and it’s so overwhelming that I don’t want to do any of it. I hung out with Nikki last night and although it was a nice break it’s just another reminder that I hardly ever get to just relax. Even when I’m hanging out with my friends or Mike, my mind is constantly racing, thinking of all the things I need to get done. I can’t relax, because I’m too busy being preoccupied with what I think I should be doing instead of having fun.

To top it off, my McAfee subscription is expired. I probably shouldn’t be online right now.

I’ve given up on trying to figure out what Mike’s big xmas surprise for me is.

I asked him if he was planning on proposing, because I didn’t want that kind of surprise to be ruined, but he’s not. We both agreed we want to move in together and experience living with each other before we take that step. So yay for being on the same page but boo to having no answer. Guess I’ll have to wait and see.

I think he’s enjoying himself, though. The other day he told me that whatever I’m getting him will not top what he’s getting me. Gee, thanks darling. A couple of weeks ago he offered to give me some clues. Naturally, I took him up on it. My first clue was that it needs a key, and that you could sit in it. This confused me, so he gave me another clue.

“It’s something you’ve been asking for.”

My eyebrows went up. “I… I have no idea.”

“It starts with a P and ends with a Y.” When I still didn’t get it, he said, “It starts with a P-R and ends with a Y.”

“Privacy?” When he said yes I was excited that I’d guessed his word clue but still confused. “A vacation?” Nope. “A hotel room?” Nope.

“You pay for it monthly.”

“An… apartment?”

“Yes!” He then proceeded to tell me that Tyson’s, his sister Britt’s boyfriend, cousin — who owns the duplex they live in — was moving out and that Britt and Tyson had worked out an agreement with him. We could live there, in that beautiful duplex apartment, for free.

“But what about bills and stuff? We can’t afford that!”

“Britt’s going to help us out for a while,” Mike said.

I couldn’t speak. “But that’s not fair to her…” She didn’t mind, he said. “I can’t believe… Wow. Really?”

“No.”

Sometimes I am entirely too gullible, and he is just terrible.

There are some days when lifting my arms above my head hurts too much to bother with blow drying and straightening my hair. Sometimes I make my sister do it. Sometimes I force myself through it and take lots of breaks. Recently, I’ve just given up.

It’s much easier, I’ve decided, to twist my hair around my fingers and then pull the curls apart rather than go through all of that straightening business. Even better, I can sleep on it and it usually doesn’t require any work when I wake up.

I feel like I’ve made a major breakthrough; I can actually stand my curls now!

My mother is on Cloud 9 now that I've been wearing my hair au naturale.

Yes, it’s true — the shiny, poker straight hair you’ve been seeing in my photos is a lie. I was born with thick and tight curls that have eluded me for twenty years. I’ve only recently discovered a hair product that kills the frizz, leaves the curls soft and makes them look pretty: Herbal Essences Dangerously Straight mousse. Yep. I don’t get it, either. It makes my curly hair look and smell pretty, though.

Is this a breakthrough? Can I now be satisfied with what I was born with? Will I break the code of women’s nature? Only time will tell how long it takes before I hate my curls again.

In the last two days I’ve become hopelessly addicted to grape Kool-Aid. I bought a box of those little packets you can add to your water, and that’s all I’ve been drinking. The point was to save some money — I buy a cup of coffee every morning — but now I think I’ll end up homeless, and all because of Kool-Aid.

My cat has found herself an addiction, as well. I bought a pack of Doublemint gum and keep it in my purse. Last night she pulled it out of my open purse and was chewing on it. I put it away and zipped up the purse, but this morning I found the purse knocked aside as if she’d been rubbing her face on it. This afternoon she sat so close to the purse I thought she was going to OD. I think she likes the way the mint smells, but it’s really funny. I put the purse next to her this evening and she rubbed her face all over it and then looked mad when I took it away. Spearmint, apparently, is her crack.

So, tomorrow is the election. I really think that Obama is going to win. I won’t be mad if McCain wins, because I think they could both do a great job, but I really believe that Obama is going to make changes here at home, and that is what we need. I don’t really dislike anyone in this race, which was what made it so hard. Tomorrow will be the first time I am voting, and Mike is voting too. He has never voted and is “tired of rich white guys” running the joint. The really tough part about this race was, like Secondhand Karl said, there was hardly any talk about the issues. I think Obama talked more about the issues than McCain did.

Anyway, politics are boring. How about those jack-o-lantern pictures I promised? (more…)

Last night, as I drove home from Mike’s — I went over there to watch the game — I tried to figure out what my surprise might be, besides the seemingly obvious. I narrowed it down to clothes or shoes:

Clothes would make sense, because Britt (his sister) could try them on and/or pick them out, and he would have had to ask my mom for my sizes. The problem with this theory? He already knows my sizes (they’re basically the same as Britt’s) and he just gave me a few garbage bags full of Britt’s gently (read: never) used clothing.

Shoes would make sense, because Britt got him Pumas for his birthday because her boyfriend has a friend who works at a shoe store and he can get a discount through him. Mike would have had to ask Mom for my shoe size (which he definitely doesn’t know). I’m kind of disbanding this theory, though; when I told Mom I thought he was getting me shoes she said it was an “interesting” theory and the look on her face told me that I wasn’t even close.

So I’m back to square one. Does anyone have any suggestions? Please help!

I love how I turned the laptop on with all intentions to write… and I’m blogging.

So, the big thing that Mike had to talk to me about — you know, the thing I was getting all anxious about? Heh. He wanted to see if he could pay me back half of what he owes me from last week. I had to giggle at him, because he was being so serious about it. I also had to laugh at myself, for being such a dork and thinking it was something scary.

Speaking of Mike, things are going so well with him. I feel like a princess in a fairytale. When I first met him and we first started hanging out — or dating, whatever you want to call it — I never pictured we would be here, talking about apartments and our future. I never thought I could have something like this. I’ve been giddy for the last few days. I’m so, so happy.

I’m also going crazy trying to figure out what my surprise xmas present is. He gave me only a few clues: his sister is going to help him out with it and he had to ask my mom a couple of questions. Hmn. It all seems so obvious, so that’s probably not what it is. Still, my parents do like him; I asked them what they would think if we ever got married (we’ve been discussing the possibility of it, and he wanted to know what I would say if he asked). I guess I’ll have to wait and see. I do know what I’m going to get him, though. I’m really excited about it, but it still doesn’t seem like enough. I have such a hard time shopping for people, because nothing ever seems good enough to say how much I care about them. There is no gift on this planet that could tell my parents how grateful I am to have them, nor is there any gift perfect enough for the love of my life.

Sigh. This is why I hate xmas shopping.

Today is a bad day, and also a good day. Three years ago something very big happened to me, something that I will always carry with me. I’m not going to be sad right now, though. Good things happened today.

I got my transcript transfer and graduation applications! I just finished filling them out and will drop them off on my way to Creative Writing later. I’m really excited about this. I need to fill out an application for SCSU now, though.

Today is also a bad pain day — partly because of the TOS, partly because of the flu shot I got last night and partly because of my lower back. I’m trying to get through the day, but all I want to do is go home and lie down with The Host. (Nope, still haven’t gotten to finish it yet. Sigh.)

On a totally random note, I went to Burger King during my break between classes. It took forever to get there because of unexplainable traffic, but when I did get there it took another year to get through the drive-thru. (That particular branch is always slow, whether you go inside or not.) When I finally got the window, paid and got my food, the girl asked me if I wanted any sauce. I said yes, she handed me my bag and just before the window closed I heard the girl next to her say, “For what? She’s only got four nuggets.” (I had fries, too, thank you!) So before I drove off I loudly said that I wouldn’t be coming back. Stupid Burger King.

Anyway.

Little one, I hope you are safe and happy wherever you are. Maybe someday we will meet again, for good this time.

I don’t usually buy into horoscopes, but sometimes they are freakishly true. This was mine for yesterday:

Aim for more of what you want, especially in a meeting. Focus on reality, yet make a group effort. What you can accomplish could stun even you. Absorb different ideas and praise others’ ingenuity, and you’ll get results. Tonight: Only what or whom you want.

I did, in fact, go to an important meeting. I met with my school’s Director of Student Activities to discuss assembling a bulletin board on campus featuring depression and possibly Letters of Love. She — and the woman I’m assuming is her assistant — really liked the idea, but said that we would have to get the Dean of Student Activities to approve what can and can’t go on the board. (I guess because Letters of Love is an outside group, it poses possible liability issues for the college.) Anyway, it went better than I thought because I for some reason thought that she would say no.

As for the “tonight” part of the horoscope, I answered a question that Mike had asked me Friday night. We agreed that we are “it” for each other and he was happy with my answer (which I, admittedly, dragged out and took forever to give him). I’m pretty deliriously in love.

PS: I’ll probably be posting a password-protected post tonight. Email me at elizawhat@gmail.com if you want the password. It’s kind of a personal, emotional thing that I want to share but not so publicly. (:

I don’t think I can sit here much longer but I need my Visual Basic professor to look at my programs!

Lately I’ve fallen ridiculously behind in VB, which I’d been sort of ahead in to begin with. At this point I’ve completely given up on trying to read the chapters, and have been printing out his lecture slides instead. I still have two and a half assignments to finish, and tonight he is giving us another one. At least I’m all caught up with Creative Writing (I just have to edit poems to hand in for my portfolio).

Between all of the pain I’ve been in lately and this maddening rush to catch up on school work, I’m beat. Pile on a few other personal things and I’m ready to hop on a plane to Florida. (Besides, it’s warm down there!) I like to say that I thrive under pressure, and normally I do, but right now I’d rather ignore certain things than face them like a man — um, woman.

As for something totally random, I managed to smash two of my fingers in the door of the Director of Student Activities’ office. My middle finger has a crescent shaped blood blister below my nail and it hurts. It’s kind of cool looking but it kind of grosses me out.

NaNoWriMo starts in less than ten days and I still need to finish my characters’ profile sheets and my outline. I wonder if my professors and boyfriend would be okay with it if I totally ignored everything else just so I can get ready to write?