Perpetual Smile

I spent Friday afternoon on the phone with Southern (the university I’ve been trying to attend since last winter). After graduation Thursday night, I felt determined; I wanted to get everything squared away so that I could definitely start classes in the fall. All work and no school really brings some perspective into your life; I was bored as hell and I suddenly missed the papers, the homework, the fresh new notebooks waiting to be used. (Okay, so I have an addiction to office supplies. Whatever.)

As I learned last winter, doing things for myself without my mom to hold my hand was no easy task. As I got transferred further and further down the line of humorless staff, I thought more and more about giving up. I couldn’t seem to get the help I needed and every person I talked to transferred me before I could get a sentence out of my mouth.

I didn’t give up, though. I didn’t break down like I did last winter when I found out that my schedule had been dropped because I couldn’t afford the higher tuition cost. After the last two years of putting everything into school, after hearing Jon Savoy‘s inspiring speech about his fifteen year commitment to his Associates degree at commencement, I didn’t want to waste any time.

I’m going to double major, in English: Creative Writing and Elementary Education (for grades K-6). I’m probably insane, but I want to do it. I don’t care how long it takes.

Growing up, I had several great elementary school teachers who made me want to be a teacher. Every day after school and homework, my sister and I would play school. She would be the teacher for one grade, and I would be the teacher for another grade. We both played each other’s students. We used actual textbooks that our school gave to us because they didn’t use them anymore. We printed worksheets and carefully planned lessons for our imaginary students. We wrote out math problems on black- and whiteboards. We took attendance on graphing paper from our great-grandmother. I loved every minute of it.

I don’t mind helping Mike’s little brother with his math homework. I love doing it. Even when Tony gets frustrated, I still feel calm and patient — even though I am the least patient person in the world when it comes to everything else. (Kids are my weakness. Heh.) I love playing games with my little cousin Katarina and reading to her. I love helping Tony with his spelling words and his English homework. I love coloring with my goddaughter Kaylene, or explaining to Katarina the difference between an orca and a shark.

I have always kind of wanted to be a teacher, but didn’t think I could because I am already a web designer. You already have a career, I would tell myself. You can’t do everything at once. Wait a few years and see if you still want to do this. Just wait.

But I figure, why the hell not? Why not now? Why do I have to just stick to one thing? I can do it all. I can do and be anything I want.

I’m not going to rush. I don’t expect to finish in just two years (since I transferred, I expected myself to be able to completely my Bachelor’s in another two years). I refuse to put any pressure on myself. I’ll take my time, and when it’s all over I’m going to walk across that stage again — with two more degrees.

I’m all about accomplishments these days. It feels so good to finally feel alive.

I rarely use my MySpace account any more. I logged in tonight because I checked my email like a good working girl and saw that I had a tagged photo and a tagged photo comment, blah blah blah. I also had a message:

I give up

I didn’t reply to it, because it was an awfully immature message. Rather than trying to address the problem head on, you chose to send a message in an attempt to make it look like it was all my fault.

Yes, “Jude,” I stopped talking to you. Not because I am a bad person. Not because I am spiteful or immature. I stopped talking to you because, time and time again, you lied to me. You may think you treasure the friendship we had, but your actions showed otherwise. So, instead of wasting my time, energy, and peace of mind, I stopped talking to you.

We’ve been through this all before. It’s always the same: You get yourself into trouble; I try to be a good friend and help you out; you lash out at me; I withdraw and regroup; you lie to me; I walk way; you send me text messages, social media comments, and leave me voicemails pretending as if everything is okay; I start to miss you and call you back; rinse and repeat.

Not this time. I just can’t anymore. I cannot continue to exhaust myself on you. I cannot continue to give you everything and get absolutely nothing back. Under normal circumstances, I don’t mind. I think I’m a pretty damn good friend. Maybe I’m too loyal. I’ve realized that in trying to help you, I’ve only been hurting myself. And I’m not doing it anymore.

I hope to god you find a way to keep from down (Blue October, “Been Down”)

This? Is my new car. The side that’s showing? Is the side that is not dented. No worries; I wasn’t the one who drove while the denting occurred. It was a package deal. But for $400? You can’t beat it.

P-freaking-ESS: It can also go on the highway. Without me worrying that it’s going to fall apart.

P-double-freaking-ESS: I started writing about my chronic pain, from the beginning to what’s going on now, over at Scars Can Speak. Please read it and comment there if you’re interested. I hope it can help someone, or maybe help me find people going through similar things.

Work for Automattic — the company that created WordPress — designing and developing WordPress themes. (Goals)

A couple weeks ago, as I worked diligently on my web surfing skills, I visited the Automattic website. It wasn’t the first time; I’d visited the site before, briefly, back when I first started using WordPress. I can easily remember those days: I had just started this blog and felt pretty proud of myself for being able to install themes and tweak the CSS a little bit. The back end, though, was another story. It wasn’t until my boss told me that I needed to become very familiar with WordPress, as we would be using it for company blogs, that I really took a look at the back end.

I learned how to make my own themes very quickly, but I also learned how to tweak things so that WordPress could be used for something other than a blog. I learned how to work with the PHP, and most of my work since has involved doing things with WordPress.

I never thought about it much, until I visited Automattic again.

I never really thought about it, until I looked at the job listings on Automattic.com for hahas.

I realized that I could be one of those Theme Czars. I could easily learn more PHP and, from here on out, use solely WordPress for all of my sites. I realized that something I really understand and have fun with could turn out to be a job.

So I’m going to practice just a little more. I’m going to build a few more WordPress websites (and maybe someday tackle this blog’s theme), and then I’m going to become a Theme Czarina. Because I can.

What about you? What are some of your goals? Leave a comment and tell me!

PS: I wrote a review of Wristcutters: A Love Story over at Scars Can Speak. Go check it out and tell me what you think!

I’m not going to do a Bloggy Love post today. I’m probably not going to be blogging here for a while, actually.

I really want to concentrate on a couple of other things right now, mainly Letters of Love because I’ve really been neglecting it lately. I also need to work on some WordPress websites — this site included — as well as a static website. I really would like to build up this blog a little more, but Letters of Love is very important to me and needs me right now (I’m terrified that it’s going to die if I continue to neglect it). I have also been working on another project, and the bottom line is that I just can’t do it all.

I need two of me.

If I do update here, it will be in spurts. I’m not entirely gone, though! I’ll be on Twitter and writing for Scars Can Speak. Once it’s up, I’ll also be all over Freaking Bookworm, my work-in-progress online book club.

And you can bet when I get back here, it’s going to rock!

PS: I’ll still be reading and commenting on all your blogs, too. Probably should have mentioned that.

I’m aware that the posts’ pages lookeverything on this damn blog looks a little weird. I installed IntenseDebate earlier today and for some reason it changed the color of the comments’ text. Since I am lazy, I’ll figure it out tomorrow. For now, we’ll have to deal with the grey background. (And all the more reason for me to finally create a custom theme for this blog!)

I reverted to the default theme for now, since I hated the old theme anyway. I realize this is probably going to make me look like an idiot claiming to be a web designer, but I am way too tired to build a whole new theme tonight. Tomorrow!

Update 05/13/2009: I updated my About page! Check it out. (:

Since today is Bloggy Love Sunday and Mother’s Day, I thought I’d give some Bloggy Love to a certain new mommy.

I met Sarcastica when I first left LiveJournal, bought this domain, and started blogging outside of my familiar little LJ ecosystem. I didn’t really know anyone with a real blog (I don’t believe a LiveJournal is a real blog, but that’s another post for another day). I remember stumbling upon the Bloggies while at work and seeing that someone called Sarcastica had won best teen blog.

I liked her right away. Witty, smart, and not just another dough head (as Faiqa likes to say), Sarcastica writes about everything from boyfriends to childhood to coping with MHE. I learned a lot from her, and I don’t think she even knows it. Reading her blog has helped me learn to be my own medical advocate, instead of waiting for doctors to come to me. She’s taught me to be strong even when I don’t feel strong.

She may live quite far from me — Canada! Holy COW! — but I feel that she is a relatively close friend. She’s a great listener, and she replies to comments. (We all know how big a deal that is to me!)

One of my favorite posts is the one about the honesty spell. One of the things I love about Sarcastica’s blog is that she sometimes goes back and writes about her childhood. It was cool to read about her and her friends’ creepy experiences with Ouija boards and spells, partially because I dabbled with the occult myself as a young teenager.

I couldn’t imagine the blogosphere without Sarcastica. She is truly a great friend and an awesome blogger. Sarcastica recently gave birth to a healthy, beautiful little boy, so go say hi and shower her with Mother’s Day gifts!

When someone lies to you once and you believe them, they’re an asshole.

When this person tells you that their new train wreckboyfriend has been clean for a year and tells your mutual friend that this new train wreckboyfriend has been clean for two weeks, they’re the asshole. Not you.

When this person lies to you about this new train wreck’sboyfriend’s job and tells you that he works as a carpenter and makes a lot of money, when in reality the new train wreckboyfriend lost his job because he is a train wreck and only does odd jobs for his grandma and is living off of this person (who happens to be a single mother), this person is still an asshole, but the new train wreckboyfriend is the bigger asshole.

When this person lies left and right about all things related to their new train wreckboyfriend, and things in their own life that this new train wreckboyfriend now controls, you get worried. You want to help this so-called friend, but they won’t stop lying to you.

When this person has lied to you for the hundredth time about their relationship status with the new train wreckboyfriend, and you believe them every time, you’re the asshole.

There are only so many times that you can lie to yourself about someone who obviously doesn’t care about you — or themselves — very much. And there are only so many times before you decide that you’re just not going to waste your time anymore.

Good luck, “Jude.”

Today I remembered that I get a fifteen minute break at my day job.

This might not sound like a big deal, but it is; I don’t normally take that break. I usually get so into what I’m doing that the day flies by, and the next thing I know it’s 1:00 and time to go home. Even when I was still smoking — yes, I’m still smoke-free! — I’d go outside for a five, maybe ten minute smoke and then I’d come right back in. During the last few months, I haven’t even thought of taking five minutes.

It’s a little scary that I totally forgot about the much coveted fifteen. I would have never forgotten my break back in my retail days. I used to bug my managers just so I could actually have a break.

I may just need a twelve-step workaholism recovery program.

Update: New Astrid and Dante is up!

I’m not religious. I was baptized and raised Protestant, but never really “got” it, no matter how much I tried. After years of not fitting in at church — and trying to figure out new ways to get out of going to church — I finally realized that I didn’t have to be religious to be a good person.

That said, I have friends and family from all different faiths and beliefs. It’s always interesting for me to learn about others’ religions. When I worked at the fruit basket place, most of my co-workers were Muslim. Those who weren’t Muslim were Christian. They all passed the work time talking about their beliefs, and I would pass the work time listening to them and soaking it all up. I don’t knock any religion — unless you’re a scientologist; as mean as it sounds, I just don’t get it and I don’t think I’ll ever even try to.

I am a little wary when it comes to discussing religion though. I tend to stick out like a sore thumb because I am not religious, and it actually makes me a little uncomfortable sometimes. My coworkers at the fruit basket place didn’t try to hide the fact that they were baffled by my religion-less lifestyle, and I’m pretty sure that when my boss fired me it was because I don’t believe in a higher power. As interested as I was in what they had to say, I felt a little alienated by their remarks. “How can you not believe in anything?” The way they said it, you’d think I’d just told them I ate babies. “That’s so weird,” they would say.

So I was a little on the defense when I first commented on Fruitful Words, a blog mostly about chronic pain and chronic pain management, focused entirely on women — and Christianity. I didn’t want to admit that I don’t practice Catholicism or even Buddhism, because I was terrified that the blog’s author, Susan, wouldn’t talk to me. I was terrified that the blog’s community would reject me.

I was wrong.

From the very first post I read about what to do and not to do for a woman with chronic pain, I was hooked. From my very first comment, I was accepted with open arms. No one seems to mind that I’m not religious, even though Susan specializes in women’s pastoral chronic pain management. Her advice is sound, and her words are uplifting and encouraging. I have been reading Fruitful Words almost daily since I found it a couple of days ago, because it is really helping to carry me through.

It is with gratitude and pleasure that I pass on some Bloggy Love to Susan.