Archive for February, 2009

To be brutally honest

I’m using an old cell phone right now, from the ancient year of 1998. It’s about the size of a house phone and the ring tones are horrid.

I spent most of last night and the early hours of this morning with Mike. I can’t remember much, thanks to Ultram, but I remember laughing a lot and watching a lot of TV.

I’m really worried about my best friend right now. She won’t answer her phone and she hasn’t returned any of my calls in the last couple of days. It’s not like her to shut me out like this. I know she’s been feeling really down lately, and I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but we usually hang out Fridays so I thought she would have called me back by now.

I have a meeting on Tuesday with someone from a big web design freelancing firm. The purpose of the meeting is to discuss my portfolio and skills, and to fill out tax forms. I’m pretty sure that I am now one of their consultants. Hopefully they can get me some extra work really soon. I am trying not to worry about any of my financial problems, but they are always hanging out in the back of my head. My parents think I am bugshit crazy for taking on all of these things right now, but they should know better. I have always been an overachiever. I’m the girl you can count on, because I see everything through to the end, but just like all of those other creative folks, I’m always a hair trigger away from a meltdown.

I’ve become obsessed with hiding my problems. I’m not sure if it’s the right choice, but I’m tired of hiding. It’s nice to meet you, world. I am a talented web designer and writer. I can draw, paint, sing, and I love making handmade cards. I’m also a depressive, quite possibly undiagnosed bipolar or maybe even undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. I refuse to see a counselor or get any other kind of professional help. My current coping method is denial and ice cream.

Now that that’s off my chest.

My cat has been following me around all morning and afternoon. She woke me up with her big mouth, and she won’t stop attention whoring. She is currently curled up on the floor in front of me. She looks kind of depressed. Can someone get her some catnip? I’m busy coding.

 

Anyone want some bad luck?

I’m on a bad luck streak. Ready? Set? Go!

Michael and I almost broke up this weekend. We got into several huge fights (which we’ve been doing a lot of lately), and I really thought it was over. Finally, his wit and good looks won me over again and I forgot why I was mad. I guess the old saying, “what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger,” is true. Every time we go through this we end up being closer and stronger. Not to say that I enjoy fighting with him. I’d rather play Street Fighter II and Castle Crashers together like we did last night.

Naturally, the video game spree didn’t last long. It feels like someone is grinding the bones in my hands together. I really wish this would just go away already. It seems to be getting worse, and it’s actually to the point where I’m so used to being in pain that for the most part it doesn’t even phase me anymore.

Things wouldn’t be so bad if I haven’t had my — sorry, guys — period for twelve days now. It was thirteen days late — yes, I keep religious track — and now that it finally came it won’t go away. I think it’s safe to say that I need to change my birth control. I’d apologize again, but it’s natural. Then again, natural for me is just four or five days, not two freaking weeks!

Of course, my phone had to crap out today. It’s been turning itself on over and over again lately — without turning itself off first, mind you — and I knew it was coming, but still. On top of everything else I have to buy a new phone now. It wouldn’t be such a big deal, since I didn’t always have a cell phone anyway, but I recently put my resume in with a freelancing firm and we’ve been playing phone tag. Now they have no way of getting in touch with me.

Speaking of web design, I still need to buy Adobe Creative Suite software so that I can work. And of course I need to finish fixing the Sunfire so I can get to work, and to get to the English class this summer that’s costing me over a thousand dollars.

So, obviously, you all need to send me checks with at least three digit amounts. It only makes sense. ;)

The good news is, I finally finished the redesign for the Letters of Love website. It still has a few bugs (especially in the Community), but it’s functional. So far it’s gotten a lot of praise, which makes me feel good despite everything that’s been going wrong lately. Go check it out and let me know what you think! And yes, this is shameless self-promotion. :D


PS: I haven’t cheated on quitting smoking in two weeks!

 

Invasion

In the dream, I knew that if the aliens caught my scent, they would know I was human.

My home was suddenly my prison. I crept in the shadows, hiding in the bedroom closet among an old vacuum cleaner and stale clothing. I didn’t know what was worse: being trapped in the closet until I starved to death or being discovered. I crouched there, waiting, sleeping intermittently and waking up in cold sweat time after time. Soon, the vacuum cleaner poking me in the back became the most comfortable thing.

When the closet door opened, I froze. I waited to see their strange probing faces. I waited to hear the dogs barking. Nothing, except for the light. I could smell food, and my stomach clenched.

I knew it was a she instantly, even though it was completely featureless. She vaguely resembled a human, but had no substance, no form. The color that came to mind was tan, but I saw no pigment, no skin. She caressed my face with no hands and called me a doll with no voice.

“Mama, feed me,” I said, terrified that she would catch my scent. I envisioned a Baby Alive doll, with its fake food and fake poop. I imagined my arms and legs becoming hard plastic. I kept my body as stiff as possible.

She said I would be a fun toy for her daughter, and then closed the door. I exhaled a sigh.

This went on for days, weeks, how long I don’t know. Every so often she would open the closet and play with me for a few minutes. I never met her daughter. I began to suspect that she knew what I was, but I couldn’t figure out why she wouldn’t call the others.

Some days I got to leave the closet and eat whatever I could find. They seemed to like our food, and they also seemed to be around every corner. It was nearly impossible to avoid them, but it was easy to hide from them. They didn’t bother looking under tables or beds. They didn’t have the paranoia that so many humans are afflicted with.

I made it to the front hall one day. I knew all of the doors were locked from the inside, so they wouldn’t be able to get in from outside. I could hear the dogs though; our dogs had become their servants. I knew this because no dog had listened to me since I had become a prisoner in my own house.

I closed the door behind me and stood for a moment in the hall. I could smell pine and sunshine. I reveled in the light that bathed the hardwood floors. I stretched and spun, all the while listening. Had they discovered this part of the house yet? Could I make it down the three flights of stairs and escape?

I began to tiptoe down the stairs, then stopped when I saw toys on the landing. Three small digital pets on keychains with brightly colored cases waited for their new masters to come and play. I looked around. There were several cardboard and foam boxes, and some scissors. I got to work.

When I was done, I had blocked off the dogs and barricaded myself in. No one could get in now, but how could I get out?


I ran through the grass, keeping low to the ground. The sky was cold and gray above me. I stopped and lay on my belly, waiting. Against their advice, I had joined the rally of would-be soldiers. It was the only way that I could find my sister.

I had wanted this freedom badly during the days I had spent in the closet. Now, I wasn’t so sure.

 

Grr, argh, morning.

I am not a morning person. I pretty much just stumble around and grunt. Don’t try talking to me at 7, 7:30 in the morning, because you won’t get anything out of me. I might even take a snap at you.

I know this, but I was still a little surprised when I took Mike’s head off this afternoon.

I took NyQuil last night at about 11, and went into a coma until about 10 this morning. I got up long enough to pee, then fell back asleep (even though I swear I meant to get up and get on the computer)! The next thing I knew, it was 1:30 in the afternoon and I was starving. I stumbled around trying to get breakfast together — although at this point I should have been making lunch, hahaha — and as I was doing this, I noticed that Mike had called. I dimly remembered that we were supposed to be doing something, so I called him back.

Now, at this point I’m hardly awake, running a fever, and stark raving hungry.

I can’t really remember the whole conversation, but it went something like this:

Mike: “I got called into work.”
Me: “GRRR, DIE.”
Mike: “I love you.”
Me: “GRR, DIE.”
“Mike: “I worship the ground you walk on.”
Me: “GRR, need food, DIE.” I hung up on him.
Mike calls back, though I think he should have known better. “I love you and I will call you before I get out.”
Me: “GRR, what’s the point?”
Mike: “Okay… I won’t, then. (Help me?)”
Me: “ARGH, DIE!!”

It took some food, a half an hour, and a little cat batting at my heels for me to figure out that I’d just been meaner than I’ve ever been in my entire life.

Luckily, as I was debating calling him back and trying to decide how I could possibly make everything better again, the phone rang.

“I’m sorry!” If he’d been physically present, I probably would have smothered him with kisses.

“It’s okay. I know you’re not a morning person.”

“Yeah, but you’ve never seen me like that!” Hell, I’d never seen me like that. “Give me a call before you leave work.”

“We’ll stop at a grocery store and get some ice cream for you.”

“Okay. I’m sorry. I love you!”

I have no idea where the three-headed monster came from. I also have no idea how to make it up to him, poor guy.

 

Broke

I feel sick right now, and it isn’t just the cold I caught.

I just got back from a vacation in Idiotville and decided to register for a class this summer. The bill? $1126. For just one class.

I can set up a payment plan, which would be four payments of $281.50, plus a $45 payment plan fee with the first payment. Can you say ouch?

Did I mention that I also need to buy CS4? The copy of CS3 that I had is dead (don’t ask: it’s a long, painful story), and the trial I downloaded dies in three or four days.

I’d just let the CS4 go but I need it for work. I can’t very well take on freelance jobs with just MS Paint and Notepad.

The question here, folks, is why in the world does one class cost more than a thousand beans?

I know I’ll figure it out — I always do — but in the meantime, I’m going to consider bounty hunting or human trafficking. ;)

PS: I forgot to add that I also need to buy a new phone; my current phone keeps turning itself on, even though it’s already on. Yeah.

 

The weekend of champions!

What’ll it be: the requisite Valentine’s Day post, a review of the Friday the 13th remake, a review of the pilot episode of Dollhouse, or more drama than is healthy for anyone?

Michael and I stopped bickering long enough to go see the Friday the 13th remake on, well, Friday the 13th. Instead of being mean to each other, we strolled around the mall arm in arm (he even bought me clothes)! Instead of picking at each other over every stupid little thing, we watched people get slaughtered and listened to fifteen-year-old gangstas yell out stupid things at regular intervals. I didn’t want to see it at first (Mike can tell you all about our debate on remakes and sequels), but eventually my curiosity won. Besides, it was Friday the 13th! (And I figured I should be a good girlfriend and go see the damn movie with my boyfriend.)

Of course, nothing is ever perfect. We sat in the truck letting it warm up when the movie was over. The parking lot was nearly empty and it was kind of creepy. Mike chainsmoked his way through our post-movie banter. All of a sudden, I got a sharp, stabbing pain in my left shoulder — much like what happened after my cousin’s birthday party two months ago. This time, the pain was on the backside of my shoulder and the backside of my upper arm. Just like last time, it brought me to tears and hysterics. I sat there screaming like a two-year-old while Mike tried to figure out what the hell was wrong with me.

Just like last time, it was over relatively quickly. The weirdest part, though, was that it happened exactly two months after the first time.

Valentine’s Day was pretty low-key, luckily. Mike came over for cake for Lauren’s birthday, and fried dough for dinner. We went to Walmart for a few things and then went to his house. On top of the three shirts he bought me (see above), there’s also a mystery present he got on eBay that is en route to his house as I type this. I gave him his card, which apparently was not gay (I wrote him a long, sappy letter inside; everything I usually do like that is “gay,” according to him). We watched random TV and cuddled and stuff, and then he dropped me off. Naturally I forgot my Walmart bags in his truck, but I got them the next morning after I took him out to breakfast at our favorite diner.

Breakfast was nice but he had to go to work after, so we didn’t get to linger or hang out afterward (which was probably a good thing; I didn’t want to push our luck and have us start bickering again). I went to a birthday party for Kaylene, my goddaughter, where there was all kinds of drama that I don’t have any ambition to write about.

Last night I watched the pilot episode of Dollhouse, since I couldn’t watch it Friday night when it aired. It was an awesome episode, and I hope it’s just the beginning of how awesome this series is going to be. It seems that Joss Whedon’s writing has gotten even better, which I didn’t think possible. It was really cool to see him do something so different, and of course it’s even better to see him working with Eliza Dushku and Amy Ackers again. I can’t wait until next Friday.

All in all, it was a pretty good weekend. It could have been worse, right?

 

Call the papers; I'll admit I was wrong!

I’ve been hustling like crazy trying to get a certain website’s redesign finished. I’ve also been doing some soul searching and trying to figure out what I want in life.

To cut right to the chase: I miss school. I thought I wouldn’t and that I didn’t need it. I thought I was just using it as a safety net. The truth is, I was really enjoying college. Yes, it was a total pain in the ass trying to get everything together for Southern. Yes, I got completely shafted for financial aid, and $1100 seemed like a high price for just one class. But I could have done it. I gave up way too easily.

Every time I talked to one of my friends in school, all I could think of was, “I should be there.” Every time I thought of how easily I had given up, I wanted to kick myself. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much I want this. I realized that in order to further my career, I need that BA. I don’t want to be another kid with an AA trying to make it out there. It’s not to say that it isn’t possible, but it would definitely be a lot harder. Further more, I realized that with the way the economy is right now, finding a full-time job is going to be nearly impossible. I found lots of freelance job listings but I don’t want to rely on freelance jobs to pay my bills.

In short, I am a total jackass and I admit it.

I love college and I love learning. My education is very, very important to me, and I want to at least get this BA. I will be going back either this summer or in the fall, and I will be majoring in English and minoring in Marketing; I’m starting to see that I have some marketing inclinations that can definitely be honed into killer skills.

Now if only I could figure everything else out this easily.

 

Social media is about caring, not popularity

It’s starting to aggravate me that I’m getting irrelevant messages and friend requests on a particular MySpace account that I run. Mainly, these requests are coming from bands. Now, I’m all for checking out new music, but the account is very obviously not a personal account. A message or friend request saying, “I’m really interested in what you’re doing,” or something to that effect would be much more welcome than, “Listen to our music! We didn’t even read your profile so we obviously don’t care about who you are or what you do, but you should support us anyway!”

In this day and age, social media is about branding and caring. If you’re going to use social media as a marketing tool, you should use it the correct way. Look at the profiles of your potential clients, consumers, or fans. Decide what they need and how you should approach them. If you send me messages trying to get me to comment on your page without even checking out mine to see if I’m going to like what you’re trying to sell me, I’m going to see right through what you’re doing and I’m not even going to bother. Even worse, if my account is for a jewelry business and you’re telling me to check out your oh-so-awesome hardware site, kthxbai, I’m not even going to bother with you.

We have to learn how to use the tools we have in front of us to target our audience, our niche. Stop sending automated messages and comments telling me — and others — how cool you are or that we should check you out. Pay attention to your audience first. Find out what they need, and if they will be interested in whatever you have to offer. Do not send messages that look as if you just cut and paste from a saved document without even bothering to see if the recipient is going to be interested.

Learn how to care, or get out of the sandbox.

 

Teachers put up with a lot of crap

Recently I discovered a tutorial website. They offer many different tutorials, all of which are very in-depth. You can tell they put a lot of time and effort into developing these tutorials for people. I truly admire people that do things like this.

I read through a few tutorials and the comments (because I love seeing what other people create and get out of tutorials), and I was disgusted to see a lot of negative comments on one tutorial in particular. Many of the people commenting were downing the tutorial, saying it was “too easy,” and that the tutorial is the “equivalent of ‘filler songs’ on albums.” A few people said they were disappointed because the tutorial was simple.

I don’t understand why, since these people think they’re so great, they come to a tutorial website in the first place. If they think they are so much better, then why do they need to read tutorials?

I mean, yes, the tutorial was simple, but a lot of people — myself included — can benefit from it. It shows you how to recreate a digital art style that is very popular right now. Even if the end result is simple, you can very easily take the concepts shown in the tutorial and make some great stuff.

This tutorial wasn’t the only one people complained about. I read through a few more and every once in a while someone would whine and say it was too easy. I just don’t understand these people. If it’s so easy, why did you click on the link to the tutorial in the first place? When I scrolled through their list of Photoshop tutorials, there were a few that I said to myself, “I already know how to do that,” but it’s not like I read through the whole tutorial and then commented saying, “this is too easy, boo-hoo.”

Can’t we just be grateful to the people who give all of their free time toward teaching others? Can’t we just leave a comment saying “thank you” instead of crying about how easy it is? Hell, if you are such a Photoshop master, maybe you should be running a tutorial site. Then again, I wouldn’t want a teacher like you.

Teachers guys deal with a lot of bullshit, and they don’t get enough credit. If it weren’t for teachers, I wouldn’t be where I am today. There have been a handful of teachers who have inspired me and encouraged me, and I am forever grateful for their mentoring.

Mrs. McCasland (my first grade teacher) and Mrs. Paternostro (my first grade teacher before Mrs. McCasland), were the first to truly inspire me. They both had the most patience I have ever seen in anyone. They were kind and brilliant women, and even when I was in middle school they still continued to influence me. I can remember Mrs. McCasland offering to tutor me in math, because I was having a hard time passing seventh grade math. Just that kind gesture made me more determined to pass, and I did (though just barely).

I had Miss Crane for fifth grade. She encouraged me to keep writing, and she always pushed me to write better. I would hand in various stories and writing assignments, and she would tell me what I needed to change to make it better. She was the first teacher I ever had who corrected me, and even though I hated it sometimes it made me a better writer. She called me Liza Manelli, and she always complimented me on my hair. It felt great to be complimented by her, and she was my role model for that year. I wanted to be just like her.

Mrs. DeMatteis — I’m sorry if I butchered your name! — was my sixth grade math teacher. She wrote out every step for every problem on the board, and drilled note-taking skills into our heads. I excelled in math that year, and even now I still use the basic note-taking principles she taught us. I also loved the Clue-like deduction puzzles she always gave us, and how she always assigned us Sherlock Holmes stories. She was also my homeroom teacher, and I still love her.

Mrs. Stango was my sixth grade English teacher. I didn’t like her at first. I thought she was the meanest person in the world, because she always picked me to read or called on me for answers. I was a smart kid, but I didn’t want any of the other kids to notice me. When the year was almost over, I finally began to appreciate her. She and her husband — my print shop teacher — were two of the kindest people I have ever known, especially at the middle school I attended, and especially when it seemed like I was all alone. I grew to love her and realized that she wasn’t picking on me; she recognized me for what I was and wanted to help me tap into my prowess with reading and writing.

In high school, Chef B became my mentor and father figure outside of home. He was always cracking jokes and always made his students feel good about themselves. Sandy and I skipped nearly an entire day of Culinary a couple of times, and even though he was really disappointed in us he thought we should stick together. He fought for Sandy to stay at our vocational school rather than go on to adult ed. Chef B was a fighter, and he fought cancer for a short time before passing away in October 2004. Culinary was not the same without him, and we all had a hard time adjusting to the slew of new teachers who took his staff position.

I didn’t really have any other great teachers until my first semester of college. Professor Harding — who is editing my novel — taught the first English course I took. At first he seemed like a hardass, but I quickly realized that he brought out the best in his students. He pressed us until we used our minds to their fullest capacity. He taught me how to think critically, and I learned more in that semester about reading and writing than I have in my entire life. I took his Creative Writing class last semester, and I learned even more. I hated the poetry section but as usual he was right; reading and writing poetry made me a better writer.

When I started my first non-freelance, stable web design job for my city’s newspaper, I was a little intimidated. My boss made me feel like I fit right in and he has taught me more about web development in a little over a year than I learned in two-plus years of college.

So thank you, to all of the teachers who influenced me and kept me going, and to all of the teachers out there who do this every day and don’t get acknowledged for it. Thank you for doing what you do, and don’t let the trolls of the world stop you.