Perpetual Smile

After I published yesterday’s post, I went downstairs for a shower. It didn’t take long for me to completely freak out about what I’d written. Of course, it also didn’t take long for me to have a total nervous breakdown.

It’s hard for me to talk about these things, but I have severe trust issues because of many bad things that have been done to me. It’s so bad that my feathers will get ruffled at the slightest thing, no matter how innocent the intentions of the other person were. I’m not going to go into detail, but there was a misunderstanding on both parts and I freaked out. Completely. It was understandable, from all sides, but what I did wrong was shut the other person out. Completely.

Last night I finally let Mike pick me up and finally told him things I’d never told him, things I’d never told anyone. We spent three hours being completely honest with each other about anything and everything, and even though this weekend was straight out of a Lifetime movie it was so emotionally disastrous, I think our relationship is a lot stronger now. It was really, really hard to tell him these things but once I did I felt as if I could breathe again.

After the hard stuff was over with, we spent the rest of the time telling things we love about each other. It’s a game we play every once in a while, but we’ve never gone that in depth. He literally told me he loves the way I run, because it’s “doofy looking and cute” And he loves my nose. And lots of other stuff.

It seems like every time we go through the proverbial storm, we always come out stronger than we were before. This weekend was an emotional shipwreck, but I feel even more connected to him now. I’m pretty sure that’s a good sign that it’s meant to be.

I felt kind of guilty about yesterday’s post for a while, but then I realized that someone else out there has to feel the same. Someone else out there may have needed that horribly depressing post to know that it’s okay to feel that way.

I’m still pretty shaken from everything but last night helped a lot. I hadn’t realized that these things bothered me so much still, but I couldn’t deny it to myself anymore.