Perpetual Smile

My New Year’s Resolution is to go set up a feed reader. Right now.

I think I’m gonna die. I feel like utter hell today. I can’t even really explain it. I just feel completely run down. My body has turned against me! Luckily this will be all over soon.

Anyway, the new Slipknot album is totally kickass. Too bad I can’t listen to it right now; my headphones have gone AWOL. I’m willing to bet my lovely little sister stole them.

All I did this afternoon, when I got out of work, was make phone calls. I made an appointment with the dentist, an appointment with my physician, an appointment with the advisor at SCSU — hopefully this one knows what they’re doing — and wrote a check to SCSU for my tuition down payment. Next week all I have are various appointments for things. I’m going to hate myself. A lot. I’m really going to hate myself when I have to pay all these bills. I still owe my physician for the last visit. I’m also trying to fix up and register/insure the Sunfire. Maybe I should get a credit card.

I want to rip someone’s head off today. Someone is just going to cross me the wrong way and I won’t be able to control this sudden crazy influx of female hormones. Maybe Mike’s right, maybe I am pregnant!

If you’re a guy, you probably don’t want to read this. I can’t be held liable for any emotional trauma this might put you through. You’ve been warned.

When I get my period it’s usually light, short, and sweet. I live on pantiliners, and four days later it’s all done. I don’t get cramps.

That all changed today.

I’m dying. Seriously. My uterus feels like Freddie Kreuger has his hand twisting around in there. Even worse, I’m a basket case. I’m rereading Breaking Dawn and got to the part where Alice and Jasper take off.

I burst into tears.

“What’s wrong with you?” Lauren asked.

“Alice l-l-left!”

Several minutes later, I got to the part where Bella finds Alice’s note. “T-t-to protect the b-b-baby!”

I went to Mike’s earlier so we could take a trip to Walmart and gave Tracy a huge hug. “Do you have any Midol?” I whispered.

“No, but I’ve got Motrin 800!”

It only took forever to kick in. We went to Walmart and McDonald’s. By the time I put my first fry in my mouth, the 800 finally made its way through my system. I felt normal again.

Until we finished dinner. I took Mike’s head off over rechargeable batteries, and two minutes later I was ready to cry again for being so mean.

“Are you okay?” Poor Mike. He was totally baffled.

“Yeah. No. I don’t know.”

He stood in silence for a moment as I clung to him. “Are you pregnant?”

“No. Definitely not,” I said through gritted teeth.

“You sure?”

“Positive.”

As I write this I can feel the ibuprofen 800 wearing off (there’s no more — I’m fucked) and I’m stuffing my face with Airheads. I’m pretty sure Mike has no idea I’ve got my period.

Last night I finally made good on my promise and took Mike out to dinner. Neither of us even remember what I owed him dinner for — and he didn’t even remember I owed him until I opened my big mouth — but it was worth it.

I took him to Outback Steakhouse, which is probably our favorite restaurant. Our waitress’ name was Nicole. We ordered our drinks and appetizer — Bloomin’ Onion, of course — and talked as we sat waiting for our bread and Bloomin’ Onion.

“So did you have another moment?” He asked, referring to the delayed reaction I had to the promise ring he gave me. I had told him how, on Friday, I’d burst into tears once in the morning and then later on that afternoon.

“Yeah, either later Friday or today — wait, yeah, it was this morning,” I said.

“I was tearing up when I gave it to you.”

“I’m gonna start crying now,” I said, looking up and to my left to keep the tears away. When I cry, I make a huge mess of myself. I get my hair all wet and I go on for a few minutes. It’s a good thing it doesn’t happen very often.

Nicole returned. “Everything okay?”

“She’s gonna cry,” Mike said.

“Oh, don’t cry, ’cause then I’m gonna cry,” our waitress said.

“They’re happy tears,” I said.

“I gave her a promise ring,” Mike explained.

“Aww, congratulations!” Nicole said. She was really excited about it. I bit down on my lower lip and shuffled my feet.

The rest of our dinner date was really nice. We swapped bites of food, chatted about stuff (he asked me about one of my websites, which was a nice surprise), and then I tried to poison him. Well, not really; he forgot to tell Nicole “no mushrooms” on his Alice Springs Chicken. Luckily he’d only taken a few bites and he isn’t severely — per se — allergic to them. As we picked mushrooms off of his plate and put them into his empty soup cup, he explained he’d have to eat all of them for anything bad to happen. Still, my heart rate didn’t go back to normal until Nicole came back to doggie bag our leftovers.

“Can I get you anything else? Dessert?”

He and I exchanged glances. “It’s up to you,” he said.

“Well, um, I’m really full. How about… we just get one to go and split it later?”

Minutes later, Nicole returned with a slice of cheesecake and two forks. “That’s on me. Congratulations, guys,” she said as she bounced away.

We stared at each other for a long time. Finally, he said, “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“Yeah,” I said. “Wait until we get engaged.”

“We’ll get a whole dinner for free!”

I never use my Facebook account, because when I first signed up for it I thought it was pretty boring. You can’t customize your page (unless you just want to rearrange your widgets), the site itself is badly organized (especially since they changed it), and I don’t understand the point in sending people bumper stickers. Still, I know Facebook is the “it” place right now, so my social network marketing instincts kicked in and I vowed to give it another shot. So today when I checked my Gmail and saw that an old high school friend had friend requested me, I decided that it was time to make good on my promise and start networking.

I was able to add my buddy, and there were also several bumper stickers and group invitations and all that other exciting Facebook stuff. My cousin had sent me an invitation to an ovarian cancer awareness group. My inner web surfer instincts told me not to click on the more information button, but I did it anyway. The page disappeared and I couldn’t figure out how to get back to the group invites so I could check out what else I’d been invited to.

Now, I’m pretty savvy with all of this stuff. It’s basically in my job description and, besides that, I’m a total nerd. So I’m pretty good at navigating even the worst websites. Facebook, however, astounds me. It never fails; every time I log in I end up logging out swearing about one thing or another.

I wanted to go complain to them to tell them to get their shit together, but I couldn’t even find a Support or Contact Us section.

I’m glad I have Lauren managing the account for Letters of Love. I just do not have the patience for Facebook.

I was nervous. I blowdried and straightened my hair, singing old Evanescence songs to keep my mind busy. I didn’t want to think about whatever my big surprise was. “Gotta relax,” I told myself.

My sister came upstairs and knocked on the bathroom door. “Mikey’s here,” she singsonged.

“‘Kay. I’ll be down in ten minutes.”

It was good to see him. He looked awake and alive. He was wearing a Joker beanie with holes for the eyes and he was just as happy to see me as I was to see him. He sat at the table, so I bent down to kiss him — over and over. I wrapped my arms around him and stood behind him, refusing to let go.

“I should probably let you go, huh?” I said a few minutes later.

“Yeah, you don’t wanna choke me.” He paused. “Can I give you your presents now?”

“Uh — shouldn’t we wait? ‘Til after dinner?” I chewed on my lower lip.

“Can I at least give you one? I’ll give you the smallest.” He reached into a ginormous JCPenney bag and pulled out the latest issue of The Dark Tower: Treachery.

“You got my Stephen King!” I flung my arms around him again and smothered him with kisses. “Thank you!”

I managed to get him to wait until after dinner. He reminded me of a kid on Christmas morning, he was so excited. We went out for a cigarette after dinner and he said he wanted to give me my presents when we got back downstairs.

“I got you three — no, four — things.”

My eyes popped out of my head. “Four? Dammit, I lose! I only got you two!”

“It’s not a contest,” Lauren said when we came back downstairs and I told her about my defeat.

“Yeah, well, he said his present was gonna make me cry, so it kinda is,” I grumbled.

“Can you hand me my bag?” Mike was practically bouncing off the walls. I tried my best to be cool and not explode into a million little pieces as I handed him the large white bag. Read the rest of this entry »

Stole this from Astrogirl426, because it seemed like the right thing to do. Anything I’ve accomplished on this list is in bold. Read the rest of this entry »

Running around on xmas really takes a toll — especially when you’re running on about two hours of sleep.

For xmas eve, Mike came over for dinner. We had all kinds of seafood: scallops, white cod fillet, some other kind of fillet, and of course the requisite pasta. Noni made lasagna for Mike, since he’s allergic to fish. We had tuna sauce, white clam sauce, some other kind of seafood white sauce, and regular sauce for Mike. Dessert was two kinds of cheesecake — the Jell-O kind and homemade baked — and apple pie. I was so full I could only manage a tiny sliver of the homemade cheesecake, and couldn’t even finish that.

Between dinner and dessert we did gifts. I gave Mom and Lauren their embroidery gifts, and Lauren Wall-E and a To Write Love On Her Arms tee shirt. (I had taken Mom to see It’s A Wonderful Life on stage in November as her gift.) Dad really liked the small First Aid kit and thermos set I got him for hunting. Mike liked his gifts, too. Read the rest of this entry »

You know those days were it seems like everything bad possible can happen and it keeps on happening? Today was like that, but the polar opposite: I got smacked in the face with a bunch of good shit.

As soon as I got out of work I stopped at my house to grab that Academic Advising Form. I went to the ATM and took out $400 — not for a bribe; I didn’t up needing that kind of leverage — and stopped at Barnes and Noble for a gift card. Then I went to NVCC and found the Dean’s office. Her secretary said she was at lunch and would be back any minute, and coincidentally the secretary had just been on the phone with the Counseling Center discussing me and the Academic Advising Forms.

The Dean came back and we sat down with all of the copies. She looked at my form and confirmed that my advisor had told me to take the wrong course. Then, she said she would email the Registrar and have them waive that class. I’m graduating.

After that, I drove through a ton of traffic to get home and Dad called me. He told me to meet Vinny, the guy selling the Pontiac Sunfire, so he could sign the title over to me and I could pay him. He handed me the title, I handed him the $400, and not even the crazy traffic could kill my buzz. I have a better car.

On top of all that, tonight is the last night that Mike will be doing 3rd shift. He’ll be doing early mornings until the new year, and then he’s going to look for a better job. I get my Michael back.

Everything is falling into place, instead of falling apart.

Now it’s time to get ready for the holidays…

I’ve got mixed feelings right now. Part of me is really happy and excited. Another part is a little anxious. The other part is mad.

I finally got in touch with the Dean of Academic Affairs today. It turns out that she was out sick last week. I spoke with her over the phone and she said that if I could provide proof — an Academic Advising Form that my advisor wrote the class down on and signed — she would let me graduate. Voila, I have the form! I’m going to meet with her tomorrow to give her the form and take care of whatever paperwork or whatever is necessary.

The bad news is, because I gave up last night, I’ve got to get as much Visual Basic done as possible before midnight tonight. Kind of makes me want to kick myself for not at least trying.

I also might be getting a better car. It’s a 1998 Pontiac Sunfire and the guy will give it to me for $400. I have to go look at it tomorrow with Dad to assess some minor damage and a couple things that are wrong with it. If Dad thinks he can fix the few things that are wrong, and I like the car, I’m getting it.

The downside of things is that tonight I found out a couple certain family members were talking shit about me at a recent birthday party we all went to. It’s nothing that hasn’t been said to my face, but it just pisses me off that someone who was supposed to be my friend would talk badly about me behind my back. It was shocking enough when this person said it to my face; it’s even more shocking to know that they said it to someone else, without me there to defend myself. I am so tired of fake people and the little jabs that this side of the family likes to dish out. I trusted this person, and I thought we were close, but I guess I was wrong.

On top of that, I called another family member — same side of the family — to make sure it was okay if Mike came to dinner and they kind of hemmed and hawed and claimed to not have room. Then they gave me a hard time about us coming later because we also have another place to be. I am so tired of these people refusing to accept our relationship. I thought this person was better than that; they’re usually more welcoming when I bring him around. I didn’t even tell him, because I didn’t want his feelings to get hurt, which I guess is why I was kind of annoyed that he didn’t seem to care when I complained to him about the other family members’ remarks and this one’s problem with us being late.

I constantly feel like the outcast of the family. I don’t know why, but they all seem to have something against me. I never did anything to them. There’s always some sort of jabbing remark, or disapproval toward my boyfriends or my choices. I’m not stupid, I know what qualities to go after in a person. I have standards. I also know how to make decisions for my own life.

Anyway, I have a monster of a headache from doing the whole last minute shopping thing, and I really need to get as much VB done as possible. I guess Thursday will be an interesting day, at the least.