Perpetual Smile

I almost edited my previous post for this, but that post is a damn mess as it is.

In the past few weeks, I’ve been losing sense of control in my life. I’ve been feeling as if I couldn’t do anything I wanted to do, because everything seems to be getting in my way. Miss Britt wrote a post today about being alive, and I realized that I have been in my way.

To me, the song “Handlebars” (partially, because I’m aware of the political references as well) means being able to do anything you set your mind to. If I really want to continue my education and get my BA, I will. If I really want to get a novel published, I will. If I want to have my own web design business, as well, I will. If I want to move into my own place, I will. I can.

I look at Obama and I see a man who has come from virtually nothing — just like me. He has worked his way up through life, and all because he had the determination to do so. He is proof that anyone can achieve their dreams, no matter what the obstacles.

“The only way is up.”

This turned out to be a longer post than I intended. It’s (most) of my woes, so if you want to skip it and read something more cheery, I recommend the Fun stuff category. Otherwise, leave a comment and tell me about your woes. It’s not all about me here, anyway.

This morning on my way to work, I passed a Sunoco and glanced at the price. It was $1.99 a gallon (cash). While most of us rejoice at this lower, Walmart-style price, there’s that nagging feeling in the back of my head that says, “this is bad.” I am only vaguely aware that the reason for the lower gas prices is the declining stock market. The people around me who know about these things — like KJ at work — tell me that the price of gas is going to keep going down, since the stock market won’t be going up anytime soon.

It’s a Catch 22, just like my own financial situation. I ranted a little about this on Scars Can Speak (the Letters of Love blog), and I’ve been writing in my own journal every day about different ways to tackle this problem. Either way, I lose on something. If, for example, I get a second job, I’ll be doing even more running from place to place and who knows how I’ll get my school work done for the rest of the semester. If I get more hours or can go full-time at my current job, I’ll only be able to take two classes next semester rather than getting a full head start on my BA. If I can’t get more hours at my current job and can’t get a second job, I’ll have to leave my current job (which I really like) for a full-time corporate job. Yes, I’d be making more money, but I wouldn’t be able to go back to school full-time for a while. I’d have to be a part-time student. It would take forever. I am so career-oriented and want everything done yesterday that it would drive me nuts. Read the rest of this entry »