Perpetual Smile

I should be doing homework right now, but since I’ve gotten home from hanging out with Mike the most I’ve accomplished is blogging. Woo. Still, I was reading Lizzy‘s Tug-of-War post and was once again reminded of what I keep putting off.

My writing has taken a backseat to my web design.

I’ve been hiding from the fact, but it’s true. I barely find time to write. (No, blogging doesn’t count for me. Sorry.) The only real writing I’ve done as of late is poetry, and I don’t even really like poetry. I’m only writing it because Professor Harding swears that by forcing us to write poetry, we will become better writers. (Unfortunately, I’m starting to see that he’s right.)

I have several unfinished short stories and novels. I keep telling myself that I will finish them, but they just sit there. I have one finished novel that has been waiting since 2005 to be edited and second-drafted.

It’s time to face my music: My dream has been outshined my by geekiness. Don’t get me wrong. I love web design. I love the challenge. I love the aesthetic aspect of it, and how I feel so very in control. (Most of the time, as long as Internet Exploder behaves.) However, I love writing. For some reason, I can’t figure out how to balance the two. I can’t figure out how to finish the things I start. I start something and get all fired up about it, and then two weeks or two months or whatever later I forget about it. I lose my fire. I go back to web design. I get another idea for something, and the cycle repeats.

Could it be because web design is safe? Have I fallen into a safety net? I think, in some ways, this is worse than selling out and writing Harlequin novels.

I don’t know what to do. NaNoWriMo is the only thing that keeps me writing, but even once November is over I forget my novels. I haven’t touched The Cure Program — my latest novel — in months, even though I’ve been struck with idea after idea. Writers’ block is NOT the problem, so it must be a safety thing.

What do I do? How do I break this cycle? I need to figure it out, or something worse than my novels being unfinished is going to happen: My dream is going to die.

Something has to give. Now that school has started again, I’m even busier than before. I’m also trying desperately to get time in to run Letters of Love and finish the website. I also want to redesign my freelance website, so that I can maybe get some jobs and pull some extra cash in. I also work part-time, doing — you guessed it — my local newspaper’s WEBSITE.

I love it, but I can’t get away from it. It’s suffocating my love. I don’t have any time to write, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to quit my job or leave my personal projects unfinished, but my writing is suffering at the same time. If I shut myself in my house and did nothing but all of these things, my social life would suffer. (I already hear enough from my friends and boyfriend, about how they don’t see me much.) I know that instead of blogging right now, I could be writing, but I also should be doing homework!

That being said, it’s eleven o’clock and I am just killing myself. I am going to take my Creative Writing text and go have a cigarette. If anything, I’ll at least write some damn poetry tonight.