Perpetual Smile

This morning I discovered there is no such thing as gas station etiquette. (When I wrote that older post at Scars Can Speak I firmly believed in such a thing. Now it’s a different story.) I stop at the same Exxon/Dunkin Donuts combo station every morning for the essentials–coffee and a bagel. (I won’t buy gas or cigarettes there; that Exxon is way too expensive.) There is this little “island” in the front of the pumps that I usually park next to, because I hate when people who aren’t getting gas take up a pump spot so I try not to do it myself. This morning I almost went for a pump spot, thinking that I might end up getting out of there faster because there was someone else parked in the other “island” spot in front of where I wanted to park. Of course my pump-hog-hating conscious got to me and I parked in my usual “island” spot, then headed into the Dunkin Donuts for my necessaries.

Inside of the store, two blond girls with straight and shower wet hair were flirting with the guy behind the counter. Yeah, I won’t lie, he is good looking, but they were giggling like twelve year olds, and I have a feeling they were probably eighteen or maybe seventeen. I stared at their hair, thinking how awesome it must be to have been born with straight hair that can get wet and won’t unleash itself with a vengeance in the humidity. (If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’ve got viciously curly hair.)

Bag and coffee in hand, I went back outside. “In my next life, I want straight hair, dammit,” I thought to myself. “And look, that guy is gone so I can get out.” Just as giddy as the girls with the straight hair, I opened my car door and my jaw dropped as some guy pulled in front of me from the exit side of the gas station.

I used some choice words, but of course the dude couldn’t hear me. “I could kill you,” I told him through my windshield. Another car was to my right, in the pump spot where I had originally wanted to park. I had two choices: I could sit and wait for someone to come back out and move, or I could attempt to back out and leave through the entrance. Of course, that would involve other drivers being nice enough to not use the entrance. Which was so not happening.

After trying fruitlessly to back out, I saw the pump spot guy come out of DD and sighed in relief. He would move and I wouldn’t be late for work after all! I lit a cigarette and waited. Waited. And waited. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

The ass who had blocked me in came out and put his stupid car into reverse. Like the awesome, patient and forgiving person I am, I cut him off and left the gas station before he did. HA. So there.

I knew I wanted to do something different for NaNoWriMo this year, since I finished last year. I knew I wanted to do it on this blog, just ’cause I can.

I have attempted a few times to write a memoir, and several people have asked if I have written one or would write one. I had sort of given up on the idea, but now I think it’s time to share my story. After reading and hearing other people’s stories, and sharing some of my story on Rising Above Radio, I want to share my own. I want others to know they are not alone. I’m scared to death of doing this, but I want to.

So, for this year’s NaNoWriMo–aka National Novel Writing Month–I’m going to write a memoir, on this blog, every day adding a little more to the story. I think I will probably change everyone’s names, including my own, just to make it a little easier for myself to talk about it. I think I’ll probably write about it in the third-person, past tense as well, just to make it a little easier. It scares me to death to share these things, but I’m going to do it. I mean, it scared me to death to talk about my battle with self-injury on internet radio, but I did it and got so much positive feedback and so many thank yous that I see it as totally worth it.

Plus, it will gain me a second year of winning; I’ll never get writers’ block! I think I’ll start going through my old journals and blogs soon and start outlining things. I just need a title now, and it always takes me forever to come up with these things. D:

Edit: Would it be totally lame if I called it Perpetual Smile?

This weekend was amazing. It’s just too bad that you can’t convey sarcasm through the written word.

Thursday - Left Burn Notice night early because my boyfriend was throwing off those bad mood vibes.
Friday - Did girls’ night until about 3 am
Saturday - Went to a wedding I didn’t much care about and witnessed the death of hundreds of butterflies.
Sunday - Got into the first really big fight with my boyfriend and totally. fucking. lost.
Today - Got stung by a wasp between my first and second finger on my left hand. My fingers are numb.

If you had a better weekend than I did, go to hell. I’m totally kidding. I wanna hear all about it. (:

Edit: On a totally random note, for the last few days my left cheek has been twitching every so often. It’s kind of ironic, since Dad always teases me saying I’ve got tourette’s (I always say the most random shit out of nowhere). It’s such an odd feeling. Anyone ever experience this?

I had the weirdest dream. I was working in a grocery store, and there was this section of carts in the back of the store. In one of the carts–aisle 9, row 11 to be exact, hahaha–were this little blond boy and brunette girl. They were no older than three and, like you always do in dreams, I knew they had been left there. So I went to who I’m guessing was my boss in the dream and reported them. He said he would call DCF or whatever and I said I would take care of them in the meantime.

I headed to the back of the store again and ran into two old friends from high school. We’ll call them Greg and Tom. I jumped up on Greg and almost knocked him over. “You’re an asshole,” he said, laughing. I also gave Tom a hug, which is weird because in real life I can’t stand him. We started playing with those Nerf dart guns and tackling each other, hahaha. I told them I was looking for the kids and we made our way back to the carts, but the kids were gone. And of course, that’s where I woke up.

I don’t know why in hell I would dream about Greg and Tom. I haven’t seen either of them in probably a year, and Tom terrifies me. I also have no idea why I was working in a grocery store and why I didn’t get fired for playing Nerf gunslingers. Still, I occasionally miss Greg and sometimes wish Tom weren’t such a dickhead–er, I wish he hadn’t beat up my friend “Marissa” when they dated.

Edit: I was really cranky when I wrote this last night, so I sound a lot bitchier than normal. I’m not taking it down, though; it’s pretty amusing. (:

I’m in such a mean mood right now, lol. I don’t even know why. Maybe it’s because of the butterflies. I’ll get to that in a minute, but first, the pictures I promised!

You can’t tell that my hair is red in the second picture, but that’s because the lighting in my bathroom is lame. I’m wearing a dress because I went to a wedding tonight, where butterflies where killed because two people who barely know each other thought it would be fun to get married. (I’m bitter because the bride gave me a dirty look when I said congratulations to her. I have no idea what I did to her, hahaha.)

Anyway, on to the butterflies. As we were taking our seats before the ceremony began, one of the hostesses from the restaurant was handing out these little white folded pieces of paper. She said they were butterflies and that we were to release them at the end of the ceremony. My first thought was that they were fake butterflies, but no–they were real monarchs trapped inside of these “envelopes”.

Yep.

To top it off, Sandy’s was dead (there was butterfly blood all over her “envelope”), Tyla’s was dead (it wasn’t moving), and mine had a hole in its wing. Sandy and Tyla got theirs replaced before the ceremony began, but when we all released them, they sort of just flopped to the ground and hopped away instead of flying into the sky.

Yeah.

I’m probably going to have nightmares about dead butterflies now.

Anyway, the wedding was okay and I really hope that the bride and groom are happy. I guess it doesn’t really matter how long you know each other, right? As long as you don’t kill butterflies?

I learned an important lesson, though, and it’s this: I have no idea if I actually want to ever get married. Part of me was like, man this could be me someday. The other part was, man if only I could just have kids and not get married. Like, find a sperm donor or something. I am so freaking indecisive.

I just know that I will not have monarchs in my wedding.

This is a response to the Question of the Day on lettersoflove.net.

I have so many quirky habits that it’s hard to sit down and list them. I was thinking about one of them earlier tonight. I noticed that if I don’t finish a cigarette–waste it, as I call it in my mind–I will “punish” myself by not letting myself have one later on when I really want one. I’m not sure why I do this. I swear that I have undiagnosed OCD. All of my things have to be arranged in a certain way, and if someone messes them up I notice immediately and it like, frazzles my brain. I also do everything the same way every time, and if I break that “routine” in the slightest bit I get really confused. A good example is taking a shower.

I set up my desk at work the same way every morning and put everything away when I leave, only to take it out again and arrange it in the morning. Same thing at home.

The list goes on and on. (;

I want to write about each person I love, so I decided I would write ten things I love about them. I just got off the phone with Tony, Mike’s little brother, so he’s first! (:

Ten Things I Love About Tony

1. I love how, as soon as I walk in the door, you run up to me and give me a huge hug.
2. I love how you always expect a kiss from me whenever you see me, and every so often while we’re together.
3. I love how you always ask me for gum, to the point where I buy it specifically in case you ask.
4. I love how all you talk about is playing Call of Duty, and ask over and over again no matter how many times your brothers or your mom say no.
5. I love how when we hang up, you say “peace” instead of “bye”.
6. I love how sometimes you’ll hang up every time I call, and laugh the whole time.
7. I love how you’ll save a seat for me when we eat dinner, or you’ll ask me to sit next to you if there’s a place open.
8. I love how, when Mike says something silly, you and I will look at each other and you’ll say he’s cuckoo.
9. I love how when it’s past your bedtime and we’re watching a movie, you’ll snuggle up with me and use my lap as a pillow.
10. I love how silly you can be, and always make me laugh.

There’s a lot more, of course, like how just seeing you cheers me up and how you’ll show me your new toys. You’re always and forever my “little man”. (:

After countless needles being stuck in my arm for blood tests, being shoved into a tiny machine for an MRI, going to physical therapy with the weirdest trainer, having electrical shocks and needles to test my nerves and other random tests, Dr. Lichter told me everything is normal and I should go swimming and get a gym membership. Well, duh, of course working out and swimming is going to help me. Especially in the middle of the night, when I’m in so much pain I just lay there and cry.

Right.

Riii-ight.

This all started over a year ago, when I was at work and my left arm went numb from the elbow down. For no reason. I’ve been to three doctors about it, and apparently none of them have a clue. Two of them are supposed to be the top in their field. (The first is a pediatrician, whom is in the top of his field but that field would be irrelevant, so.) Two weeks after the numbness started, it went away and I had a normal left arm again. A few months later, it came back, with a vengeance. It fkjfhsdcking hurt. A year later, it still pulls the same shit, and now it’s in both arms.

But exercise is going to help. Yeah. Maybe if I was 300 pounds and did nothing but sit in front of the TV all day. No, I don’t spend all my time exercising but I’m not completely unfit, either. I don’t see how lifting weights and aggravating whatever is already wrong is going to help. Swimming, maybe, but I don’t see the point in paying for a gym membership just to go swimming.

fjhdjkdhgkjdh

So after wasting all this time and money, they still don’t know what’s wrong with me. All I can think of is, now I know how Kurt Cobain felt, with his chronic and unexplainable stomach pains. This is probably the biggest stress factor in my life, and can sometimes be really depressing because a) chronic pain is never fun and b) I don’t know what’s wrong and how to make it go away.

Mom said maybe it’ll just go away. I wish, but it’s been over a year and it’s hard to be optimistic at this point.

Ugh. I’ve never gone through a weekend and described it as “long,” but I guess this is a start. The odd thing is, I don’t want the weekend to be over yet.

Highlight of the weekend: seeing The Dark Knight with Mom. I need to go see it again. My life depends on it. Your life depends on it. I’m thinking IMAX would be good.

Low point of the weekend: having a breakdown. Hooray for being a depressive. All of the details are on my latest post on Scars Can Speak, as I don’t feel like getting into it all over again.

In an hour I have my appointment with Dr. Lichter, my specialist in physical medicine and rehabilitation–or so says Google. (What? I couldn’t remember what he was, hahaha.) I have to remember to tell him about my left wrist hurting for three days straight, and my right wrist/hand hurting like hell last night. [Confused? So am I. I'll write about this soon, I promise. :)]

You know what’s really sucky? The fact that I can’t read half of everyone’s Lj’s anymore because of the friends only thing, and I refuse to log into that place. GAH.

So I’ve started importing all of my LiveJournal posts. As of now I have May 2004 in, from my stranglingivy Lj. Weird thing is, it didn’t import any of the comments. /:

I will warn you: I was fifteen and used a lot of ^_^ and *dkjgshdgkj*. Looking back, it’s really annoying. Also, I was going through a really hard time so a lot of my posts are really dark and full of self-loathing. Sometimes I was really frank and very blunt, so excuse my teenage cynicism and enjoy!

It’s really weird reading old stuff. One of the posts was a survey. While I was reading it I was amazed at all the things that have changed. So, because I’m unmotivated and should be doing better things, I’m going to do an updated version!

BODY ILLS AND SKILLS
Do you bite your nails? not anymore. I like them long
Can you raise one eyebrow at a time? yes
Can you blow smoke rings? yes
Can you blow spit bubbles? eew
Can you flare your nostrils? yes
Can you cross your eyes? yep
Tattoos? still don’t have any, but plan on getting one as soon as I get the money and can find a good calligrapher
Piercing? eight
Do you make your bed daily? I never saw the point in it

CLOTHES
What goes on first, underwear or socks? panties
Which shoe goes on first? I was actually thinking about this as I was reading the old one, and I think it’s always the right one. I dunno!
What jewelry do you wear 24/7? thumb ring, earring, bellybutton ring, gauges
What’s sexiest on a guy? I love Mike in just jeans, bare feet and no shirt. I don’t know why, lol!
What’s sexiest on a girl? I feel sexy in my boyfriend’s clothes
Favorite Piece of Clothing: old, soft tees
Pajamas: tee and shorts, unfortunately

FOOD
Have you ever eaten Spam? nope
Favorite Ice Cream: cookie dough, of course
How many cereals in your cabinet? not enough
What utensils do you use to eat pizza? my hands, c’mon now

GROOMING
How often do you brush your teeth? twice, maybe three times, a day. I’ve gotten really anal about that.
How often do you shower/bathe? every single day
How long does your shower last? 10, 15 minutes, depending
Hair drying method? blow dry then flat iron
Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair? it’s been blue-black, burgundy, black and streaked with pure blonde, pink, and now it’s pure red (those pictures are coming soon, I swear!)
Would you rather have genital herpes or be 50 lbs? I still say I’d rather be 50 lbs, ’cause at least you can gain it back. ironically, after taking this survey, I struggled with an eating disorder. /:
Do you swear? like a trucker
Do you ever spit? only if I’m sick

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE
Animal: wolf, still
Food: sushi, Chinese, ice cream, pasta, Mike’s mom’s pasta salad
Month: October
Day: Fri, Sat and Sunday ’cause I don’t have work (:
Cartoon: The Little Mermaid
Flower: tiger lily
Shoe Brand: Converse and whatever is affordable but looks nice
Subject in school: I hated school.
Color: magenta, black, teal
TV show: Burn Notice, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Degrassi, Instant Star
Movie: The Crow
Holiday: Halloween
Vacationing Spot: Deerfield Beach, FL
TV Station: I don’t really watch much TV

IN AND AROUND
The CD Player: Faith No More’s “The Real Thing”
Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows and mirrors? sometimes, to make sure I’m not messy or anything, hahaha
What color is your bedroom? don’t have one
Do you use an alarm clock? unfortunately
Name one thing you are obsessed with: Ryan Shuck
Have you ever skinny-dipped with the opposite sex? still hasn’t happened
Ever sunbathed nude? that hasn’t happened yet, either
Window seat or aisle? the window, especially if I’m flying over the ocean

LA LA LAND
What’s your sleeping position? usually on my stomach, but I tend to spread out all over the damn bed
What kind of bed do you like? one that isn’t on the floor
Do you snore? not to my knowledge
Do you sleepwalk? nope
Do you talk in your sleep? so I’m told
Do you sleep with a stuffed animals? sometimes

WHICH IS BETTER
Apples or Oranges? apples
One pillow or two? two+
Deaf or blind? I hope not
Pools or hot tubs? both
Blondes or brunettes? haha, now I’m into blondes
TV or radio? Internet, DVDs
Snooze button or jump out of bed? shoot me.
Sunrise or Sunset? both, but the odds of getting my ass moving to see the sun rise are 1,000,000,000 to 1.
Hamburger or Cheeseburger? cheeseburger, with pickles and onions and ketchup and tater tots and more pickles.
Morning or night? night
Indoors or outdoors? outside
Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? when I was a kid I used to love xmas day, for obvious reasons. now I could care less.
Spicy or Mild? spicy
Spearmint or Peppermint? Big Red
Call or Write? write. getting letters is still more fun.
Green or Red apples? red delicious, macintosh, peaches
Rain or Snow? rain. I hate snow