Perpetual Smile

My uncle e-mailed this to me. I hate forwards, but since it was a kind of cool survey, I figured I’d post it here.

Welcome to the fall 2004 edition of getting to know your friends. What you are supposed to do is copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste it onto a new e-mail that you’ll send. Change all the answers so they apply to you, and then send this to a whole bunch of people including the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends, if you did not know them already!

1. What time do you get up? when I have to

2. If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be? Amy Lee

3. Gold or Silver? silver

4. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? The Day After Tomorrow

5. What is your favorite TV show? hmm, not too sure right now. I don’t have cable, and I rarely watch tv anymore.

6. What do you have for breakfast? Well, when I eat it, I just eat whatever is around. But I normally don’t eat it.

7. Who would you hate to be stuck in a room with? Anything annoying that I can’t stand to be around for more than 2 minutes.

8. What/who inspires you? friends, Sean, family

9. What is your middle name? Kaylene (the name of my goddaughter, who is on the way!! ^^))

10. Beach, City or Country? Beach

11. Favorite ice cream? cookie dough

12. Butter, plain or salted popcorn? Butter and salt

13. Favorite color? black

14. What kind of car do you drive? When I do get a car, I want a Jeep Wrangler like my uncle’s ^^ But it’d have to be black

15. Favorite sandwich? turkey, ham, and American cheese on grinder or meatball grinder

16. What characteristic do you despise? dishonesty, using people, being annoying

17. What is your favorite flower? rose

18. If you could go anywhere in the world on a vacation, where would you go? Japan, England, Ireland, Italy

19. What color is your bathroom? white walls with lots of pink things -.-”

20. Favorite brand of clothing? anything that I like and that won’t empty my wallet

21. Where would you like to retire to? Florida

22. Favorite day of the week? any day I don’t have to work and don’t have to go to school.

23. What did you do for your last birthday? hung out with friends

24. Where were you born? Waterbury, CT

25. Favorite sport to watch? NASCAR

26. Who do you least expect to send this back to you?

27. Person you expect to send it back first?

28. What fabric detergent do you use? whatever my mom uses

29. Coke or Pepsi? Coke

30. Are you a morning person or a night owl? definetely a night owl

31. What is you shoe size? hehe… >>” 9 and 1/2 o.O”

32. Do you have any pets? two, a kittie named Squirt and an algae eater named Leviathan. And my boyfriend. ==” Just kidding.

33. How many children do you have? My kittie xD

34. What was your first car? ….. *sob* Why do you have to keep rubbing it in my face?!?!

35. What is you dream job? to be a web designer, bar owner, and anime cafe owner. I’d like to be able to work from home, and be able to spend time with Sean and our kids (if we have any).

So anyway… been working on rpg all day (sort of) xD And also started new rpg, Richmond High. I don’t normally join high school rps but this one seems really promising, so I figured I’d give it a shot. That and I =love= the characters I came up with, after much hair-pulling.

Well, I’m off to post their intros, and to continue work on my rpg.

Don’t think I’ll be talking to Sean today, though I did talk to him through last night into this morning. He said I could come over, yet never called me today (even though it didn’t matter, since my dad had already told me he wasn’t going anywhere today). But I still found that messed up. le sigh. Oh well.

So yeah, post a reply here with that survey and your info, or put it in your lj. Spread it!! Mwahahahaha– *cough, hack* ….

Dropping out of several rpgs that aren’t going anywhere today so that 1) I can concentrate on mine and 2) so I can concentrate on the ones that =are= moving along.

*random*

Anyway. Let’s see, what have I been up to lately? Absolutely nothing except working and trying not to think about all the shit going on. I just love how he can spend 3 days with Eric this weekend but not spend a single day with me, and then ask me what I’m doing… the 17th. Funny, ne? That’s in like… 3 weeks. And get this. It’s his mom’s x-mas party. I’ll bet you anything — my soul, and a large sum of money — that during that party he’ll be drinking and smoking himself stupid. Like always. He’s such a fool. And this is between the few of us.

At the party he had a few months ago, he was already drunk out of his mind when I got there. And when I got there he just drank and smoked more. So. I kinda got ditched while he puked over the balcony railing. Fun for me, ne?

I love him but this distance isn’t working. And I’m not working either. ><'' I want to stay together, too, but.... I think I need some space/time, whatever.

I don't know. I'm so lost.

I hate to say that I miss being single. But at the same time I miss when he was =here=, in Waterbury. And, well, basically when things were really good.

And I'm gay. <-- random. Well, sort of. ><''

What's funny is, last weekend when I went to see him, he actually payed attention to me! I think it was cos we fought alot the night before but, he actually =cuddled= with me for more then 2 minutes after sex, and didn't even ask if I wanted to smoke. Good boyfriend. *pets*

I'm so tired of potheads. Le blah.

I'm so tired of being confused.

I'm so tired of not seeing him. ><''

Not seeing Sean this weekend… cos Eric’s staying over for the weekend, so evidently I’m not invited. So I guess I won’t be talking to him about a few things any time soon. ><”

Blah. I said from the beginning that long distance relationships suck. And they don’t work. Really.

I feel like we’re slowly but surely crumbling.

And I don’t know what to do.

But anyway.. going to the mall today with Lauren, have to get some x-mas shopping done and get a b~day present for Sandy. Might even hang out with Sandy, if she’s working today and gets out at 3:30.

Well I suppose I should go and check on the rpgs I’m in. And then maybe I’ll get my lazy ass moving. Might even go to Middletown with Dayna later. Wh00t! That is, if I can convince my parents.

Ja ne.

Cried for a whole hour last night… a whole fucking hour. Felt so shitty I couldn’t stop all the tears. And then I had a cigarette. And then I took a shower. And then I went to sleep.

Then I woke up, after having some dream that might have been about West Side, I’m not too sure… Now that is what I would call a nightmare. ><”

But.. Well, I guess I’m going to just talk to him on Sunday. I’ve sort of been avoiding him lately, by not calling him like I should have, but… I guess I’ll call him in a little bit.

But today’s Thanksgiving and that means I get to eat everything in sight!!!!! And then DDR:E it all off ^-^

><'' 3rd update of today.

Can't get her out of my head.

Can't decide what to do.

I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to lose him. But I really think I need to figure this out. I just don't know what to do.

Ya soshla s uma
Ya soshla s uma
Mne nuzha ona
Mne nuzha ona

Raz, dva posle pyati
Mama papa prosti
Ya soshla s uma
Raz, dva posle pyati
Mama papa prosti
Ya soshla s uma

I don’t know what to do. And no matter how many times I say that, nothing is going to happen. There isn’t anyone to tell me what the right thing to do is, and I can’t even tell myself that. So I’m stuck, in a checkmate with myself and my feelings. Quite honestly I don’t want to deal with them, but I don’t want to do anything drastic.. I just want the answer, and for everything to work out right. And find a way so that no one gets hurt. Which isn’t possible, is it? Someone is going to get hurt. In the end we all get hurt.

We all fell in love and we all got hurt

Some Vanessa Carlton song. Can’t remember the name, even though I must hear it 1000x a night at FYE. ><''

I just... I think I need to experience having a girlfriend. I mean, I had only just come out last year, just a few weeks before I started dating Sean, and I never got to really explore myself. Yeah, I'd had crushes and "flings", but never really knew it. So when I started dating Sean I never got the chance to explore that part of me. Besides messing around with Sandy *giggles*

But anyway.. Someone is going to get hurt, and most likely it's going to be both me AND Sean. I feel like I've lost my mind. I hate myself for feeling this way and ruining everything. I feel horrible cos everything he is doing in New Britain is so that he can move back here to Waterbury so he can be with me. And I'm ruining everything, and destroying us. And he doesn;t even know it yet.

And I don't have the heart to tell him. Don't have the heart to rip his heart out: "I love you Sean, but.. I'm gay. So, yeah. Well, I need some time so I can mess around with girls, and then we'll see where I'm at". Yeah, I think that would do it. ><"

I don't know what to do. I don't think I can visit him another day with this burning inside of me and eating me alive. I don't think I can even talk on the phone with him. I wish Sandy would call me back already. I =really= need someone to talk to.

I don't know how to tell him or what's going to happen when I do. And I don't think I can be without him. Yet at the same time I can't live like this, hiding and lying to myself.

I don't know what to do. ><"

I feel so lost. I don’t have the creativity to work on my site. I don’t have the balls to tell Sean the truth about me. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Everything I thought I knew is falling apart and all I want to do is crawl into a hole and die.

(stolen from xsilentreveriex)
Q: What color is most reflective of you?
A: Black.

Q: How did you get the idea for your diary name?
A: My favorite Kittie song, “Pink Lemonade”. There’s a line in it that goes in this darkness / trouble water / lies a flicker / of hope’s fire.

Q: What time were you born?
A: Early morning, I think.

Q: What song are you playing now, or wish you were playing?
A: “All the Things She Said” — tAtU

Q: Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry?
A: yeah

Q: What color underwear are you wearing?
A: red?

Q: Do you want a baby?
A: don’t know

Q: What does your mom do for a living?
A: works in hospital in behavioral disorder section. my favorite place ever. x.X”

Q: What does your dad do for a living?
A: runs beside oversized loads

Q: What is your pet’s name?
A: Squirt and Leviathan

Q: What color are your bedsheets?
A: dark colors, with dragons and Chinese

Q: What are the last 3 digits of your phone number?
A: 624

Q: What was the last concert you attended?
A: Rockfest at Kennedy last year

Q: Who was with you?
A: Sean, Sandy

Q: What was the last movie you saw?
A: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Q: Who do you dislike most at this moment?
A: myself.

Q: What food are you craving right now?
A: nothing.

Q: Did you dream last night?
A: nothing, just blackness and confusion.

Q: What was the last tv show you watched?
A: don’t know, don’t care

Q: What is your fave piece of jewelry?
A: the white gold necklace Sean gave me.

Q: What is to the left of you?
A: lamp, printer, pictures, piles of crap, tAtU CD, magic marker, blank CDs

Q: What was the last thing you ate?
A: candy

Q: Who is your best friend of the opposite sex?
A: Sean

Q: Write a song lyric that’s in your head?
A: “mother, looking at me, tell me what do you see? have I lost my mind?”

Q: What song is that from?
A: “All the Things She Said” — tAtU

Q: Who last imed you?
A: mun of Cloud in GL… was too depressed to respond and logged off AIM. Forgive me, Cloud-mun-chan?

Q: Where is your signifigant other right now?
A: far, far away

Q: Do you have a crush?
A: yeah

Q: What shampoo do you use?
A: who cares

Q: When was the last time you cut your hair?
A: Sunday morning, 3am

Q: Are you on any meds?
A: birth control and iron pills

Q: Do you have a mental disease?
A: too many to count

Q: What shirt are you wearing?
A: tanktop underneath Sean’s shirt

Q: What time is it?
A: 3:46p

Q: What is your fave frozen treat?
A: Ben & Jerry’s cookie dough ice cream

Q: Are you sexy?
A: no

Q: Whats your favorite shopping store?
A: anywhere I can afford things I like

Q: Are you thirsty?
A: very

Q: Can you imagine yourself ever getting married?
A: used to, but don’t know now

>>; LJ is being really odd, wouldn’t log my sister out and wouldn’t let me log in, but then when I clicked on “Update Journal”, it brought me to my username. wtf is that?!?!?!

Anyway… Missed the bus home today from school cos I was talking to Jeanine. ^^” Joan’s uncle gave me a ride home. I guess Joan asked Jeanine this morning if she likes me and she told Joan she does. And that she would go out with me if Sean and I were to break up. ><'' I'm screwed. I wanted her to NOT like me, that way it would be easier to stop liking her. But no, she likes me.

So. Fucking. Confused. And I still haven't told him. I must have talked to a hundred different people now for advice, and that makes me feel even more guilty, cos all these people know before him. And yet I still don't know wtf I'm going to do. Cos I have to tell him, cos it’s not fair. And… I can’t stop crying, can’t stop bleeding…. And I wish I could stop thinking about HER. And my own mother doesn’t believe me that I’m (at least) bisexual. ><'' Cos I mentioned group, and she asked, so I told her it was a group for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgenders, and she said: "You have a boyfriend, your not gay". ;_;

I'm so confused.

No matter what I do I can't find the solution. I don't want to lose him, yet I don't want to be trapped and confused and lose myself. I don't want to hurt him.

Out of sight
Out of mind
Out of time
To decide

To decide

I don’t know what to do. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep walking in the dark, wondering, searching…. I have to find out, but… I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to lose him. But…

I don’t know.

I’d much rather just disappear. ><

I’m not a perfect person
There’s many things I wish I didn’t do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I’ve found a reason to show
A side of me you didn’t know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

*sigh* I feel like shit, and he’ll be here any minute. ;_;

When you’re taught through feelings

It’s just a melody
it bleeds in me
hard to believe
that I’ve let it go

Funny how I had so much to write about but suddenly I can’t think of anything.

Я столь смущен. Я люблю его, но… Я столь потерян. Я не знаю, что сделать. Хорошо, я действительно знаю, что сделать, но я не хочу сделать это. Я только… Я только не имел достаточного количества времени, чтобы узнать меня в прошлом году, когда я вышел, так теперь я потерян и…. Я знаю, что правильная вещь, чтобы сделать должна была бы сказать ему, но я не имею сердца к. Я не хочу травмировать его. Это убивает меня. Каждый раз я думаю об этом мои сердечные перерывы много раз. Я не могу прекратить кричать(плакать). Я не могу прекратить кровоточить. Часть меня думает, что я должен взять, временно разбиваются с ним, чтобы выяснить то, что продолжается, но … другие крики части, что это не является правильным и что я не могу сделать этого к нему. Сандай спросила меня, если я хочу быть с ним… Я делаю, но… Я столь потерян. Я не буду отрицать это ко мне непосредственно больше. Я весел. ><" Но я люблю Шона. И это не имеет смысл. Я столь потерян. Любой совет? ;_;

Bwahaha, don’t I feel smart. >>; Even though I totally didn’t do that all by myself. ><'' But.. yeah.

Anyway, I bought LOTR : The Third Age last night and it is fucking awesome! Everyone should get it and play! You can even play it with another person! A two player rpg! Imagine that? ._.'' Look at me, selling to LJ friends. And I'm not even on the clock right now. ><''

Mike B. at work totally ruined the whole game store thing for me. He bitched and moaned about it and so I guess it isn't going to happen again since he is so tight with Rob. And since I don't have a penis and I actually treat people the way I want to be treated, I don't fit into that clique.

Might see Sean tomorrow, but don't know if that will happen.

Well, gtg play LOTR now. *dork*

Whew. Been awhile since I could update. I’ve been updating friend’s only a lot lately, but felt I should update normally just in case anyone who isn’t on my friend’s list thinks I dropped off the planet ><”

Currently I’ve been busy with school and work, and I have several projects underway in my free time, such as expanding my rpg. I’ve also just joined a new rpg that seems to be a lot more active than the others that I’m in, so… Also have a lot of site work to do, only one of which I’m looking forward to. I can’t register a domain cos, low and behold, I have no credit card and no way to get one. Have to wait two years, which is really going to kill my portfolio. *dies* Which somehow reminds me of the novel I need to work on….

But anyway.. I’m working every day this week (except today) and possibly going to see Sean on Sunday (sure hope so!), so..

I miss you all and I haven’t forgotten you — just been so busy! And tomorrow the cycle changes to shop for me. Joy. I’m really not looking forward to being on Faculty Range with Chef Z. Not my idea of fun, since I’m most likely going to be sous and he is most likely going to put everything on me like he did to Joan. I miss Chef B, but it’s time to realize he isn’t coming back and that I have to accept it. But I can’t. I still feel like he’s coming back soon, and then I remember he’s not, and it hits me too hard.

Mindy — are you coming down for Thanksgiving?

Well, that’s all for now. Maybe I’ll update Saturday morning or later that night, if I have the energy. Or maybe i’ll work another double shift. ^________^ Oh, and guess where I’m working on Thursday?? That’s right guys — the game store!!! *jumps up and down* John is the best manager in the whole wide world ^^

Ja ne~