Perpetual Smile

I feel entirely disconnected from everything… I feel so far away from him, I don’t even know how to describe it. Everything around me is falling apart — even our relationship. If we keep fighting like this…. ><

I don't want to break up. Yet his dad and Jen keep telling him to break up with me and that he'll "find another girlfriend". And in the back of my mind I keep thinking maybe we need some time apart, but we’re already apart and that’s what’s causing the strain. If he did break up with me, though, I would totally deserve it because I’ve been such a bitch lately. I start fights without even realizing it, and when I do, it’s too late to say anything. I keep saying how depressed I am, how I want to cut, and I keep making comments that I want to kill myself, and I know that’s bringing him down even more yet the words keep slipping out of my mouth. And I call myself a bitch, and he doesn’t like when I do that. But I do.

I don’t know what to do. I’m so confused right now, about alot of things.

I don’t even know if we’re going to be able to go to the Ring Dance together.

I dont know anything. *sigh*

Moved here because I got tired of some people and decided to start all over. *whines* It sucks, though, cos I have alot of entries and memories at the old one, but oh well. I only told a few people the new username, and if you got it, it’s because I trust you enough to know that I can give you it. If I missed anyone… I’m sorry. Leave a comment here and I’ll add you. Otherwise, this is going to be -FRIENDS ONLY-.

So let’s see, what’s been going on with me?

Talked to Mat today, finally ^^ Between me being in school and work and you with what you have to do and work, we hardly get to talk anymore! But I promise to send e-mails.. and I =have= to get your letter out soon ^^

Bought my dress for the Ring Dance yesterday.. It’s red and pretty, and I feel absolutely gorgeous in it… I can’t wait, I can’t wait to knock Sean out with it. <333

Been really busy... PSAT today.. Fuck the SAT, I don't need it to get into NVCC anyway. *spiiiiiit* It was ridiculous, there wasn;t enough time to finish any of the sections. Fucking assholes.

I'm in three rpgs now, two of which are dwindling.. *cries* I'm going to be buying a domain soon, though, and when I get that site up and running I'm going to be starting a brand new rpg. Fun fun fun ^^

Kate, Maryann said hiii and she misses you.

Well... I knew there was more that I wanted to write but I'm gunna go eat dinner, make some phone calls, and then relax and get some sleep tonight. Working tomorrow night and Friday night too. Blah.

[[[Edit]]]
I miss Sean ><

*is changing lj*

Will let all that =matter= know.

Bought my dress for the Ring Dance today.. It’s so pretty ^^ *dances around room* I feel so gorgeous in it, everyone says I look good in it.. Can’t wait til the 22nd so I can knock Sean out. XD I hardly ever dress up so it’s going to be fun when I do this. ^-^ Plus it’ll be the first night Sean and I get to go out together in a really long time.

Saw Sandy & Bearrin yesterday, it’s so good that she’s back.

Must. Stop. Instigating. Fights. With Sean. Really. I must. >< I will.

I miss so much. *whines* I wanna see him. *whines more*

Well. Dinner. e.e;

Ja ne~

Well, it’s been another long day. *yawns* Sandy and B are back in CT, wh00t! Sean and I aren’t arguing anymore o^-^o And.. I’m working alot of hours this week, so I’m expecting a niiice fat paycheck. I also met another FF7 freak *huggles * Go figure, I met her while I was working. This whole being social and talking to people thing is working out pretty damn good. By the way.. if anyone cares… I’m replaying FF7, just cos I absolutely =have= to. ^^

So.. Ring Dance on Oct 22nd, PSAT on Oct 13th *hides*

Heard from Mat today *huggles* I was so fucking worried, don’t you =ever= do that to me again or =I= will kill you!!!

Buying dress and shoes for Ring Dance this week or next week… I haven’t worn a dress in…. *thinks* …… Forever. >>;

*sigh* Have to do something about getting members for s6x feet under… We’re back down to 3 and rpg time is… boring. ;_; I no likey. Anyone wanna join? Please help save the rpg!!! [[[.clickety.]]] Join, dammit, JOIN!!!! *forces people to join*

Ugh… Buying class ring… next week. *nod nod* At least the minimum deposit. Or something. I have no money. Ever. *sigh*

Well.. ’tis all. *runs off to make hot, passionate love to Amy Lee* Or Cristina Scabbia. ^^ *drools* Byeee!!

Sandy never showed up yesterday or called… Got into a few hundred fights with Sean last night… I feel like I’m holding him back.. I mean, if it wasn’t for me, he could be living in Norwich with his mom in the mansion and not have to worry about getting an apartment in Waterbury that he can hardly afford. >< And I'm always dragging him down with me. I don't know what to do. I know that if I said this to him he wouldn't listen, and I don't want to be without him, but maybe I should let him go. *sigh*

My arm hurts. ;_;

I have to work today, new schedule this week:
[[Sun]] 1-9p
[[Mon]] 1-10p
[[Tues]] off
[[Wed]] off
[[Thurs]] 6-10p
[[Fri]] 6-10p
[[Sat]] 11-6p

So if anyone wants to do anything... you know the drill.

*sigh* I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. He kept bringing stuff up last night, about me and zoloft, me cutting, etc etc. And... before that.. Well, we were supposed to go to the Ring Dance together.. but now.. He got hired, and he's like 'oh, how am I supposed to ask three days in advance' blah blah blah, acting like he's not going to ash his boss for the day off. And I asked him if he could count, because the dance is in two weeks. >>; He was all whining about it, and then later when he called me back he was acting like I was screaming at him for it…. *sigh* It’s always my fault. Whenever something goes wrong, it’s MY fault. Remember that, everyone. ;__;

You are most like Anjiru (Angel)the half angel,
half wolf demon. Your kind, caring and playful.
you love to fly and have a lot of fun with your
pack. but most demons see you as an outcast
cause of your wings but you as specail as can
be.

What kind of demon are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your anime hair color is blue.

What is your anime hair color?
brought to you by Quizilla

SO. FUCKING. STRESSED.

Sandy’s completely different, I dont’ know where things changed with is but I have a feeling it was when Bearrin came along. And Sean… I want things to be good for him but so far nothing is working out right. His dad and Jen are crazy too. And it doesnt help that I’m so moody lately and will probably be dragging him down soon with me…… The urges to cut keep getting stronger, I dunno what to do…. Was happy earlier today then just sort of… lost the happy feeling. What is happy? I miss it. I miss sleep. I miss Sean. I…

Haven’t heard from Mat. Wonder what’s happened… I’m worried….

Wonder what will happen when Sandy gets back.

Wonder if I’ll end up giving in to.. the…. the mindfuck.

Wonder when I’ll stop going crazy?

Wonder when I’ll get some actual sleep?

Just talked to Sandy.. Their coming back tomorrow. Leaving TN anyway. And their still just leaving a note. Fucked up. When I said that it was messed up, she.. I dunno. She’s completely different.

That and when we hung up cos she had to go… All she said was “Later”, after telling me she had to go. Then she hung up. *sigh*

Sean came over yesterday. I missed him so much. He got me a sushi making kit! ^^ Funn!! I’m so happy with him, more than I ever could have imagined. It’s just everything else that’s bringing me down. Urges to cut are getting almost too strong to fight.

Going back to Shop on Tuesday. Dining room. Wh00t.

Well, gtg. Lauren-chan needs the phone. <33

Love to all.

I think some people don’t know how to use lj-cut (not pointing any fingers, just offering some advice). The reason you should use it is so that your long entries don’t take up people’s entire friends page. It gets to be a pain in the ass when your scrolling through assloads of quizzes, this can be so easily avoided. It’s also annoying when someone’s entry is pretty long and you have to scroll through it all. If you use lj, you should definetely learn to use lj-cut. It’s not hard to use, it’s actually very simple. I’m not trying to be a bitch, I’m just trying to let those of you know that don’t know. If you want to learn live, click [[here]]

Anyway, now that I’ve wasted an entire entry on an lj-cut essay… I’m going to have to use one! >>;

Hmm.. where to start? Well, Sean’s going to be in New Britain for another month or longer…. Sandy and Bearrin are real assholes and don’t want to move in with him. All his stuff he had at his mom’s house was thrown out by the guy who bought the house (although his mom says she took it to her place, which doesn’t explain why a bunch of his stuff was strewn all over the lawn), and.. He got me the guitar. I wanted to kill him.. but then I saw the price sticker he accidently left on it, and it wasn’t too bad. So I guess it’s alright. That and he would have bought it for me anyway. Tomorrow’s our anniversry.. We won’t see each other (or talk to each other!) because I’m working 3-10p. x.x; Joy..

Sandy’s coming back at the end of the week… Or so she says. Maybe this time they’re running away to California. You never know. Sean called her a couple days ago and tried to change her mind about her and Bearrin saying no to the apartment thing. He said he thinks he might have. *shrugs*

I have alot of shit to worry about… PSAT on the 13th (next Tuesday — *dies*), Sandy and B coming back, Sean being in New Britain for the rest of our lives, paying for my class ring (which will range from 2 to 3 hundred bucks, probably), paying about $150 in class dues, and getting enough sleep between it all. I guess a lot of this sounds pretty trivial, but when your living in a low-income household and your job is only giving you a measly 18 hours (two fucking weeks in a row!!!!) It sucks. I don’t know if I’ll be able to go to prom, cos I don’t know if I can afford the class dues. And the ring… ha. >< I'm also pretty disapointed about yesterday.. Sean and I hung out.. it wasn't at all what I'd had in mind. But that never works out anyway, so I don't know why I bother trying to live a fantasy.

((EDIT :: 2:40p)) Joined this really cool looking FF7 rpg.. I’m not officially in yet, but I did apply to be Sephiroth.. Ha, I’m such an rp addict… I think I need help. Which gives me an idea. :3