Perpetual Smile

Going to the mall soon, to look for something to wear tomorrow night and then off to work. >< Blah.

Started ideas for original yuuri story, which might or might not be anything big or anything at all, especially considering I have about 100 ficcies and the novel to continue working on. I miss being a slacker and being jobless. *long, exhausted sigh* Oh well, tomorrow’s my day off and guess where I’m going? Guess, guess.. come on…. That’s right, folks, New Britain~!~! o^-^o

One of my friends likes to write stuff too, even erotica^^ I *must* bring in stuff to school on Monday. Must, must, must. It’s great when you finally find people like you. Just want to know why it took so damn long.

I had the most depressing dream ever, that seriously made me want to kill myself and probably made me cry in my sleep. I hate those dreams. It hurt so much, I can’t even explain it. It actually made me suicidal in my sleep, cos I thought it was really happening. I hate dreaming.

Maybe I’ll buy some cheap horror movie at FYE tonight, and then we can all watch it, cos I dunno what we’re doing tonight (talking about the family). Tomorrow I’m off to New Britain, and Lauren’s going to go out with her friend. First Halloween with Sean, since last year I was grounded O.o Dammit, if your gunna skip, don’t get caught! Damn you, Mr. Fermeglia. I was supposed to be the loner no one paid attention to! How come that time someone was actually paying attention? -.-;

But anyway.. I gotta go get ready. Hehe, got me a 20 yesterday, something I’ve been wanting for a long ass time. Exotics. Should be fun^^

Ja ne~

Tuesday. No Sean. Unless by some miracle my dad got home from work in the next couple hours. ;_;

Today was the first day of drama club.. It was so much fun. We did these exercises where we had to pretend our hands were being weighed down, and this one where we had to catch an invisible ball that started off being light but ended up really heavy, and we also did this improvision exercise where two people started off doing something, then you could jump in and trade places with one of them by tapping them. In January we’re going to start auditions for our play, Cinderella. In February we’re going to see Cinderella in Torrington. So it’s going to be an awesome year and I can guarantee that most of you will be getting your asses dragged to attend^^

Blah. I want to see Sean.

1) Using your current initials, choose a different name for yourself:
Eva Kelyn Bistra (couldn’t think of anything else)

2) If you were born outside of your era, when would you want to be born and why?
probably mid 70s so that I could have been a teenager during the 80s^^

3) If you ran a store, what would you sell/have?
obselete anime, anime soundtracks, manga, goth clothing *not* cheaply made like the shit at hot topic.. and… um… yeah. that’s it. I think.

4) What part in a movie would you love to play?
the psychotic murderer or really fucked up villain

5) In your opinion, why do people suck?
they lie. you can’t trust them. They’ll do anything to get you to trust them, and once you do, they destroy you from the inside. That and when you finally do find someone you can trust, they always go away. People let you down too much.

6) If you had your own state, what would you put on your new quarter?
something original and creative.. something so good, *I* don’t even know what it is yet!

7) Whats the oldest article of clothing you own?
*thinks on that* …. I need new clothes.
What piece of furniture have you replaced the most?
bed.

9) What instrument do you wish you could be more than great at?
guitar or piano.. either way, I’ll never ever ever ever be good at either one, even though Sean is trying to teach me guitar. Poor soul. It’s going to take a while. ><

10) Record, Tape or CD?
CD

11) What do you think would be the best concert ever?
Lacuna Coil, Dir en Grey, Type O Negative. Need I say more?

12) What's your favorite movie?
The Crow

13) What do you think is the most over-rated candy ever?
Kit-kat... I just don't get the name. That and the theme song... No thanks. The candy itself is good though... >>;

14) If you were writing out your will, who would you give your CD collection to?
most likely my little sister

15) If you could only debate two topics the rest of your life, what would they be?
How many licks it really takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop (another overrated candy!! who the fuck is going to count all the licks?!) and whether or not I really was a slutty gay man in my last life.

16) Out of your friends, who would you say you are most jealous of, artistically?
Kate and Eric. It’s hard to believe that someone as big a druggie as Eric can actually hold a pencil still and draw such crazy shit.

17) Most jealous of….intellectually?
Phi. And Sean. Damn computer whizzes.

18) What do you collect?
manga, anime, CDs, dragons, movies, black clothing

19) What is broken that you have, that you wish was fixed?
too much

20) What do you do when you’re home sick?
spend pointless hours online, sleep, watch tv, eat soupy ramen, sleep some more, watch anime, maybe throw in a little FF7 or something along those lines.

21) Why does this survey rock?
cos there haven’t been any stupid questions that have already been asked 3 times each.

22) Story behind your username?
it’s part of a lyric from my favorite Kittie song

23) Current Favorite Article of Clothing?
knee high leather boots. all the way. wh00t!

24) Line from the last thing you wrote to someone?
um.. I dunno, probably something along the lines of “take care”, or “meow”, depending on who it was.

25) A famous person you have met?
this guy from the Waterbury Spirits team. He had a name. Really.

26) Favorite way to waste time?
sitting online and rping.

27) Last thing you bought yourself?
Nightwish CD… “Open” I think..

That will be all.

Went and saw The Grudge today with Sandy.. Now must see Ru-on, the original Japanese version. Was awesome. Haven’t seen a horror movie that actually scared me in a long time.

Seems likely that Bearrin.. is going to get dumped. Slacker. Loser.

Work tomorrow, then Tuesday off. Need to get pieces for Inuyasha costume. Ja ne~

影図
kageboushi.net
(shadow figure)

- Contains:
&nbsp SoulStream FanFiction
&nbsp s6x feet under rpg
&nbsp darkfirecourse
&nbsp lemonade
- E-mail addresses:
&nbsp 01. soulstreamfanfiction@kageboushi.net
&nbsp 02. s6xfeetunder@kageboushi.net
&nbsp 03. darkfirecourse@kageboushi.net
&nbsp 04. lemonade@kageboushi.net
- $8.95/month, 1 time $15 set-up fee
&nbsp $ 8.95
&nbsp$15.00
&nbsp $23.95

** some things are subject to change

Finally saw Sean yesterday. Anyone need any endorphins? I have enough for an army of depressed WWI soldiers. It’s amazing what seeing someone you love can do… it’s also amazing what a little bit o’ sex can do O.o XDXDDD

FYE is getting ready to fire and hire… Rob gave me the biggest compliment today… Mike L asked Rob what to look for in applications, and Rob said, “I want more Lis’s”. Sweeeeet^^ I’m also working alot of hours this week..:
&nbsp Sunday: off
&nbsp Monday: 3-10p
&nbsp Tuesday: off
&nbsp Wednesday: 3-10p
&nbsp Thursday: 3-10p
&nbsp Friday: 3-10p
&nbsp Saturday: 11:30-6p

Lots of hours… means more money.. Sweeeeeet again XD And guess who makes the schedules? Rob of course. Which is weird, cos at first, I got the impression he wasn’t ever happy about anything. But he like, loves me XD Strange. Guess this means I’m finally doing something right in life.

So if anyone wants to do something, it’d have to be Tuesday, cos tomorrow I’m hanging out with Sandy and then with Sean, Sandy, and Bearrin.

Going as Inuyasha for Halloween… Need:
&nbsp silver hair spray-dye
&nbsp red kimono
&nbsp katana
&nbsp white ears
It’s going to be so much fun ^^ I want to do something for Halloween… As far as I know I’m not working that night.. So if anyone wants to do something, let me know. I’m trying to work it so that I can get a bunch of people to go out in a group, or do something fun. We all *have* to dress up. I’m definetely doing something with Sean, since last year I was grounded and couldn’t go out. That sucked, since Hallows Eve is my absolute favorite holiday. So if you want to, you can come with me, Sean, Sandy, and Bearrin. Bring your friends, dammit! I will kill myself if I don’t do anything on Halloween and don’t have fun like last year.. Last year I ended up staying home alone, and.. well, cut-fest. Not fun. Not saying I’m going to do that this year, just saying how horrible last year was. ><

But anyway… The formal was alright, they ended it a half-hour early. Bastards. That and Sean wouldnt dance with me most of the time cos he doesn’t like to, and he’s so shy. It was sort of cute, but sometimes I felt left out cos every other guy was dancing with his girl besides the slow songs, and.. Well… whatever. We still had a good time. At least, I did. I dunno, he said he was bored. Meh. *rolls eyes* Men. Why can’t they be more like us? Oh, yes, that’s right, that’s why I like women better. But I’d never leave Sean for someone else. He’s a guy. Guys just don’t get us. T.T;

Well, that’s it for now. I have to catch up with all my rpgs. ^^

Otaku, anyone?

Just heard the strangest commercial ever, asking the strangest question: Who has sex more, Republicans or Democrats? … Strange.

what’s your battle cry? |
mewing.net | merchandise!

*dies laughing* How… interesting..

*sings happy birthday to Mindy-chan* Don’t give up. 15 is tough, but if I got through it, you can get through it. *curses adolescence* Hate how people don’t take us seriously. Bastards. *spits*

West — You used the lj cut just fine. Next time, if you want the link to say something different, right after you use the lj-cut tag, (between the < >’s), right before you close it with >, type text=”kjfhdkj” then close it with > . Wish I could actually paste the tag here so you could understand it better. Hope this helps ^^’

3 more days. Sean’s coming over early *giggles* ^^’ Already have plans for that XD Then the formal, from 6-10p, should be fun. Will be taking lots of piccies, to post here.

Hanging out with Sandy on Sunday, might see her tonight ^^

Well.. off to rp. Hopefully someone wrote me back. *desperately fiending*

————
[[[Edit: 2:49p]]]
F.Y.E. called.. they want me to come in at 4 instead of 6. Two more hours! Wh00t!!! I really need the money.

But I gtg. Gotta get my ass in the shower. So much for shopping tonight. ><;

Mat… don’t do it. Don’t. Please. Don’t. If you do… I’ll blame myself. Don’t do it.

Random –> Kaoru is *such* a sexy bitch.

Need to stop worrying.
Need to let things take their own course.
Need to stop feeling this… way.
Need to be with Sean..

Am I so blind to see that it’s all in my hands?

Are my eyes shut, refusing to see the truth?

Was I wrong to offer another chance, when I knew deep down…?

Purpley…. <-- random.

Why do we pronounce "purpley" as pur-pull-lee when it’s clear that it should be prounounced pur-plee? <-- more random

Bought Wolf's Rain v1 last night... I loved it.. At least, what I saw of it... >>; *fell asleep during 4th episode and missed entire 5th* ><

So tired lately.
Feel drained and empty.

By the way... Starving myself when depressed does *not* work. O.o It made me sick. Puke pouring out of nose and everything. Joy.

So.. I can't cut.. Can't not eat... Why can't I do anything?

Can't see Sean til Friday. Can't wait that damn long. Even though I've already waited three weeks. By the time I see him, it'll have been 3 1/2 weeks. ;_;

Have obtained all items necessary for Friday night. (Sounds like rpg.. O.o)

I kept worrying about not being able to go with him.. and these were his words: "I already told you, hun. We're going. Unless a freak accident occurs or something.” Thanks. That helped. <-- my words.

If he knew exactly how depressed I've been... if he knew why I hadn't eaten in all that time... If he knew how badly I want to cut... >< It would make him feel like crap. So.. that's why he doesn't know. -.-;

Strawberi Kittie: i think you dont give yourself enough credit when you judge yourself as a person
Strawberi Kittie: hm
obliterate sense: True.
Strawberi Kittie: -think
Strawberi Kittie: +know
Strawberi Kittie: and i dont think youd ever drag sean down
Strawberi Kittie: for the main reason
Strawberi Kittie: that, he wants to be with you…so technically hes on the same level…and no matter what level youre on, thats where he wants to be
obliterate sense: I do, though. Cos when I hurt myself or talk bad about myself.. it hurts him. So I don’t. When I’m around him anyway. But I haven’t been around him lately. He’s like the light at the end of the tunnel, but I haven;t seen that light lately.
obliterate sense: True.
obliterate sense: Love is.. a strange thing.

*huggles Phi* So smart. Unfortunatly she doesn’t listen when I try and tell her how truly horrible I am.

No one listens when I try to tell them. >>;

So. Friday. Do I really have to wait that long? *whines*

———–
[[[Edit: 7:53p]]]
Happy b~day, Mindy-chan! () You’ll get your presents when you come for x-mas. ^^

Dammit.. I really hate this girl… I really do. Without mentioning any names, in case she got ahold of this username and has been reading my entries.. actually, she can’t, if I put it friends only. What a whore. I hate her. She’s making my aniki’s life miserable. I just want to kill her. The more I think about it, the more angry I get. How can someone be so cold? How could someone fuck around and gamble with someone else’s life, to the point where their suicidal and miserable and want to end it all? What the fuck is wrong with people? Now I’m worried, Aniki’s lj is deleted.. why the hell would he do that? I thought he said he was still using it.. If something happens, it’s my fault, cos I left him today. He was miserable and lonely, and I knew it, but I left him to go to the mall with Sandy, who ended up leaving me and never came back. Fool. Baka. Dumbass. What if… It will be all on me. All my fault. What in the world.. what’s going on? Why did he delete his lj? Why did he leave that comment? At first I thought the comment was an apology for being out of touch with me lately, but now…

*sigh*

Today was… shitty. Depressed all day. Haven’t seen Sean in weeks, don’t know if Tuesday’s going to work out, don’t know if the Ring Dance is going to work out.. don’t know anything..

Feel like Sandy has no need for me anymore.. feel useless to anyone… I can’t help Sean, I can’t save aniki, I can’t even save myself…

*is done being poetic and making everyone else suicidal*

Well, I’m off to rping. Talking with Phi and Lauren (not my sis, new friend, aka )

Blah.

Well.. Tuesday may be out of the question, unless my dad can give me a ride to Sean’s. That right there tells me it’s hopeless. X.x

*stares at kittie* You retarded thing, you…

*makes kittie jump* Your so retarded… O.o

Anyway… Talking with mun of Cloud from GL… *must stop rping* *needs a life*

Anyway (again XD) Talked with Sean last night til about 1am.. We had a good conversation.. I told him about how I burned myself last week. He talked about his exes a bit (stuff I didn’t really know) and how he’s completely over them and doesn;t give a shit anymore about what they did — which I could tell anyway, without him saying so himself, cos I could tell by the way he talked about them. He said some things that made me want to cry — in a good way, of course — and that I’d been wondering about, like if he felt that way or not. I also got to ask him something I’ve been wanting to ask him since we first fell in love, so now I got my answer and I’m happy with it ^^ I asked him if he was already in love with me when I gave him my “confession” note (XD) or if he realized it after he read it. He said he already felt something, but couldn’t tell if it was for really, but after he found out I was in love with him he realized it was.

I swear.. I fall more in love with him every day.

Another long day of work, fun fun fun… I have so much to do, so little time….

- work on yaoi novel
- finish ficcies
- get money out of bank <33
- spend money on everything imaginable (shoes for ring dance, tickets for ring dance, pick up stuff on hold at FYE [Wolf's Rain v1, Gravitation v1, and The Crow ST], find handbag for ring dance, and go on date with Sean^^)
- movie date with sean on tuesday (I wonder what movie we'll be having sex in watching?)
- ring dance with sean on friday
- get some actual sleep
- group on thursday (won’t tell what kind!)

I feel alot better, especially today…

Well, I’m off to rp at GL, KH, and, um… sfu… O.o; I haven’t posted at sfu in forever, even though its MY rpg… X.x; Oops… O.o

*runs away*

———–
[[[Edit: 8:10p]]]
I think Amy Lee =is= bi… which means there =is= a chance in hell for me…. *runs off to try and win chance at hot passionate sex with amy* Cristina Scabbia is next, I tell you….

———–
[[[Edit: 8:40p]]]
*hates self* I’m such a whore.

I took their smiles and I made them mine
I sold my soul just to hide the light
And now I see what I really am–
a theif, a whore, and a liar.
–Amy Lee (taken from her lyric journal)

Hiding all my fear
My nightmare is becoming real
Come on, take a look at me
I’m a loser
–1:19 ~ Lacuna Coil