Perpetual Smile

Yesterday was fun, except for the bad feeling, which I came to find true in two ways. My dad broke down in NY but he was fine, he just blew the transmission. But Saul.. *poke* You better take care of yourself. Or I’ll come after you. Even in death. *cackles* Seriously, Jaise, don’t do anything crazy. I’m here for you and I know Mathias is too.

Sean came over, brought me my cigs (fags ^^) and weed. Heh, he gave me a one hitter, this spiffy little contraption that you use and it’s enough for one hit. He gave it to me cos I’m a fucking lightweight hehe. But it’s cool, I can fit it in my pocket, it’s about the size of a lighter heh. Anf you can keep a twenty bag in it!! Not the bag, but the weed in the bag.. Anyway we smoked, I got high, he didn’t (poor soul…) and then went back to my house. Eew, we also found this weird spider thing with a hard white thing on it’s back and spikes coming out of it.. the spider was red and icky… Sean took it home, ugh it was so evil looking.. and usually I like spiders…

We spent most of the day at my house, then went for a walk and ran into Cody at 7-11. He was about to have a party, bonfire, etc and asked if we wanted to come. So we hung out there for a while but then they left to go somewhere else. *glares* I hate when people do that. Anyway Severence is playing with Kittie next weekend at the Webster, which is so fucking cool. I remember when they were just starting and needed a singer. Now they’re playing with Kittie… my little boys are growing up.. *sniffles*

So, it turns out Sean’s mom is moving in three weeks now, and he’s not sure if she’s even moving to MA now.. I hate that woman…… >< And get this… his dad is trying to get him to move in with him and Kathleen to go with their mom, cos he doesn’t want to pay all the money. I said he might as well move in with him if his dad said he could, cos he’d have a place to go. But then he went through his old “I’d only get to see you on the weekends blah blah blah” thing, and I said I didn’t care, as long as he was okay. Which is the truth. If he went to live with his dad, yeah, I’d miss him cos he’s be farther away and I’d only get to see him once in a while. But that would be temporary, and at least he would be in a safe place.

*sigh* So.. the Severence/Kittie show is next weekend, $10 to get in… I have to somehow get the money and get a ride AND get someone to go with me, in case Sean can’t go. Cos I am NOT going alone. It’s too likely for me to be raped in scary ol Hartford. Especially at a big show like that. But it’s KITTIE AND SEVERENCE!! I HAAAAVE TO GO!!!!!!!! I’m gunna have to pull the old beg your parents for money thing..

And yes, last night I went to sleep. Got me a good 10 hours, I think… It was getting hard to function at one point last night… I haven’t slept more than 5 hours until last night.. o.O The weird thing was I was wide awake most of the day… and that damn bad feeling… *shrugs* SAUL BETTER TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF AND MY NIISAN/ANIKI BETTER TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF TOO, DAMMIT!!!!!

AND… Sean put 3 songs for us on that CD he made for me. He can’t find it though, so I still haven’t heard it. But I guess we’re gunna be FINALLY picking a song soon.

I’m done now.

Look everyone, it’s pink and purple!! ^^

I think it’s been a few days since I last updated, which is odd of me…. o.O Meh I’m not making much sense today cos I didn’t sleep AT ALL ^^ so please excuse XD

It’s not like I didn’t try to go to sleep… I never even felt the slightest bit tired… I think I should be on them Ambien pills or some other sleeping aid, cos this is getting to be ridiculos.. That and I don’t want to hear it from my mother anymore, she gave me the “You need to get back into a regular sleeping schedule blah blah blah” lecture this morning.. I think she might be worried about me, after what happened with the father person… O.o Who by the way apologized last night, after waiting a whole day to do so…. >< Argh… If it wasn;t for Sean I don’t think I would have made it through that night.. I just kept thinking of Sean and the promise I made him.. and that was what got me through.. That and the fact that I know about a hundred people will come after me - even in death - if I *did* do it, and trust me, they would find ways… o.O *hides* Scary yet fiercely caring people….

Ever notice that when you don’t get much sleep EVER you act very odd? And stupid things are funny..? Like my Squirt… she was all curled up near me at about 4 in the morning and one of her shoulder blades was sticking out, scrawny kittie… and she looked like a hunchback XD So I started giggling and saying “The hunchback kittie of Notre Dame” and my sister was like okaaaaay….. o.O It still strikes me funny… -.-;

Sean’s coming over today and he’s bringing me mentholy goodness… and I think he’s bringing weed. I’m not too sure. Of course, this is SEAN I’m talking about, so I’m sure he’s bringing weed ^^ My little pothead… *huggles*

Urgh.. that and today I feel all uneasy, like something bad is going to happen… I hope it’s all just a result of a lack of sleep for the past… hundred months…. o.O; So everyone do me a favor and let me know your all alive, just so I can feel better!! And my Sean needs to get here soon… it’s hard staying up all night when you know your boyfriend is probably out like a light…. God it’s only 9:19 wtf is wrong with me!?!?! I need sleeping pills… or something…..

And I *still* have a bad feeling…..

Complete and total crap… Somehow it’s all my fault. Just like always. I’m so tired of him. One day he’s all nice to me, the next he treats me like shit. Do I absolutely have to have a father!?!?

He drives me fucking insane, pushes me over the edge…. If it weren’t for Sean I’d probably have left this world long ago because of the person who calls himself my father. ><

I can’t take anymore of this….

ANYWAY….

Sean and I are good…. I miss him so much right now…. I need him.. I can’t take anymore of this…..

Argh I hate how he does this to me… makes me cry like this, like I’m five….. I hate this. I hate him. I hate being so weak and powerless and being screamed at for no reason and having things blamed on me when I’m not the untrustworthy one in the first fucking place!! I’m not the one that lies and fucks everything up and I can’t take anymore of this I need to talk to Sean before I do something crazy.

…Muahahaha… I feel….. not better ^^ Well.. maybe a little… kinda sorta not really -.-; Actually I’m trying to figure out wtf to do for my big 1-6. My sister keeps bugging me to have a party yet wtf good would that do me. If I had it my way, I’d spend my 16th getting good and stoned, have lots of wild passionate sex with Sean and fall asleep with him. But I doubt I’ll be lucky enough. <<; Someone please kill me.. I'm too weak to do it myself. >>; Argh.. I’m at a loss for everything. I don’t see much point in having a party, cause who the fuck is gunna be there? Sandy’s in TN.. Oh yeah, I just talked to her last night and today…. I miss her so much… And NO, there is absolutely NOTHING going on between us. I have NO FEELINGS FOR HER IN THAT WAY WHATSOEVER. ><; She's so far away and pregnant and engaged and everything is going good for her.... It makes me wish my boyfriend wasn't so goddamn immature and lazy at times... ><; Did I just say that out loud?!

I was thinking of having one of them otaku parties but the place I live in is so goddamn small how the fuck would I set everything up? That and my ddr mats suck ass so that leaves out a ddr tourny.. I could still have an CS II tourny, anime fest, but not much else. :P That would make a very bLaH party. >< Then of course there's the dinner option.... which my mom offered. Does that mean a restaurant or...? But you know what would be really great? If my boyfriend took me out... HA. Funny. ><; Of course, I'm mad at him now but I know when I talk to him I'm gunna melt XD I can't stay mad at him for long.. :P .....There's also the family party thing. x.X; Oh joy..... And it's not like Katy would be around. Meh. Maybe I should just skip the damn party thing. Or I could do what keeps nagging me in the back of my head! Use the big 1-6 and go out with a bang. ><;; Damn these thoughts. x.X;;;

Sometimes I wish I could just look at myself, shake her really hard, and say "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!" Yes. And I would like to kick my ass. Very hard in the ass. ^^ I don't hate myself, really. I just don;t like her very much. ((<--new lj icon inspired by))

Anyway.... I'm still listening to Tiësto over and over, and also the new Hoobastank my sister bought. ...And I'm trying to decide if I should just tell him about what I've been doing. *looks down at arms guiltily* I haven't done anymore since the last time I wrote about it, but still... I don't think it's fair that he doesn't know, yet.... maybe it's better. Oh if only I had a joint or a cigarette, then I would be so much better!!! I should have called Dylan today T_T ....That would solve the weed problem. However I have no one with a spiffy ID to buy me those wonderful menthol wonders... *cries*

I shut up now. ><;

Once again I feel utterly trapped. Last night I was even thinking of just breaking up with him and sparing him the downfall. It’s like that Tool song:

*sigh* It’s coming. Soon. The end of it all. -.-; My downfall. Down

down

down

Heh. I don’t know whether to just wait and greet it when it comes, or prepare myself and try to fight it. I know I can’t fight it forever. I almost lost back in January.

But I’m supposed to fight it, cause I’m supposed to meet everyone’s standards and my own. And I’m supposed to do all these things. Like get married, be a web designer, blah blah blah. I’m not good enough for any of that. I’m just another worthless downfall. ><;

The only thing that makes me feel good lately is trance of any sort. That's all I've been listening to. Tiësto CD on repeat, DDR mp3s I burned onto a CD, and various other mp3s that I have yet to burn. I have yet to hear from the wonderful boyfriend person that is completely oblivious as to what's going on with me. And part of that is my fault. I’m the one who’s been keeping it a secret. I haven’t exactly lied; I’ve just kept it hidden. It’s a good thing I heal so fast. What once looked clotted and the work of an anemic masochist now looks like scars from long ago and two scratches done by the fluffy warm creature that lives with me. =^-^= Kitty. I’ve gotten quite good at hiding what I do, and making it look like my cat is the one who did it.

I’ve also gotten quite good at pretending. Pretending I’m fine. Really I’m just sick.

Part of me wants to just get it over with. It’s gunna happen eventually. But the other part doesn’t know what is wrong with that part of me. I’m so confused. O_o Must be happy!! Instead I’m sort of numb. I don’t like food and I don’t like sleep. And I have no desire to talk to my boyfriend. You know, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to not call him or anything for a while. Make him wonder what he did wrong. >< Like he’ll ever even think he did anything wrong. I mean, as soon as everything is all set he drops me. I guess he doesn’t need me anymore. Meh. Maybe I’m not interesting enough for him. -_-; Whatever, fuck off. ^^ I’m in the “I don’t need anyone” mood. Ciao.

You know… I just thought of something… Maybe it’s not him, it’s ME. I’m the psycho bitch that shouldn’t be put up with. I often ask myself how in the world can he love me, especially when I do things behind his back like cutting? I’m sure he’d be infuriated if he found out. And he’d be even more pissed if he found out by some other way than me telling him. It’s me. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve him. I don’t think I can be what he thinks I am or is looking for. I’m not good enough. I’m too fucked up. I hear voices that tell me to just get it over with and kill myself. Or to cut and I’ll feel better. Voices that pretend to sound like me. I’m too fucked up for him. I’ll end up just destroying him.

Meh.. >< Everyone thinks I'm this normal fun loving girl that is in love and lucky and all that shit. If they only knew. I faked out everyone, my counselor, my family, my friends, even myself, that I was better and didn't need the meds or therapy anymore. Ha. And I did my best to keep alot of things secret.

I just need to die. But if I did that I'd be letting alot of people down and fucking everyone's world over. AND I HAVE TO STOP BEING SO FUCKING DEPRESSED!!!!!!!! I have trance, dammit!!! BE HAPPY, YOU HAVE TRANCE!!!!!! BE HAPPY!!! That's what I tell myself. Does it work? o.O No. I'm just a walking disaster, a time bomb that is eventually going to go off and I'm just gunna do it. End it all. I know it's coming. I have goals and all, but.... I know it's coming. And I don't think I have the strength to fight it when it does. It's just too strong.

I mean, I have Sean and all these other people that would support me and be there for me, but... Even the last time I lost it I had Sean and that almost didn't save me. Then again.. It did save me. But it saved me at the last minute.

I don't know. I just don't know anymore. I'm too fucked up and.... I don't know if I can ever just be normal. I roleplay, listen to my favorite music, have the best boyfriend I could ask for (with some minor things that could go, but no one's perfect), I have a pretty decent family, good friends.... Yet still I'm this way. I try to be happy, I really do. It's not like I don't try. And it's not like I'm always drowning in self hate. I only hate myself like once every two months XD I don't know.

Maybe someday.. Maybe someday I'll be okay.

I just hope it doesn't come back. Because if it does... I won't be able to fight it.

I’m in absolute trance heaven right now…. I went to the mall today and went to FYE to see if they had anything good. Well, while I was looking at all the trance and techno CDs this guy started pointing out stuff to me. At first I thought he was just showing off to get my number or something, but then it turned out he was a dj and knew alot of the famous dj’s. He recommended a bunch of CDs and DJ’s to me, and then pointed out this DJ Tiësto. I wasn’t really sure if I wanted to buy the CD he said was the best, seeing how I only had $20 to spend, but then I thought more about and decided wtf, and went ahead and bought it. ^^ Turns out he was right, Tiësto *is* the king. He was cute too XD I was half expecting him to ask me for my number or ask me out, especially when I ran into him again several times throughout the mall and he talked to me a bit. And I was feeling sinfully evil because I found myself looking for him at times.. o.O; But holy shit, this CD is fucking awesome. I recommend it to anyone into trance!! The name of it is summerbreeze, and the DJ is Tiësto. I <3333 it hehehe

So getting out of this forsaken house definetely helped. And I talked to Vanessa this morning, cause I wanted to see if she could come to the mall and hang out. She couldn't cause she was babysitting but it was still nice to talk for a few minutes.

I feel alot better but I'm still kind of mad at Sean. ><;

I just got off the phone with Sandy.. I feel a lot better now that I talked to her.

I *have* to stop fucking up. This *has* to end. I don’t know how it’s gunna end, but somehow it’s going to end.

Going to the mall tomorrow with Lauren and maybe Vanessa, if I can get ahold of her. Someone. It doesn’t matter who. All I know is I’m going to get out of this fucking house tomorrow and go to the mall and have fun, rather than be depressed and holed up here.

And he *better* stop taking me for so goddamn granted. wtf do I have to do to get him to atleast LISTEN to me when I talk to him?!?!

And if my mom gets on my case again…

And this damn fucking mindfuck…..

Sometimes I feel like I’m two people. One side is depressed and the other side is happy. They said I wasn’t bipolar but I swear I must be, to some degree. But what do I know, I’m just the one who experiences it all, right?

I fucked up.

As out there as Eric is.. he is definetely a god.

Sean hadn’t talked to him in like a month, and when he called to see if he could move in with Eric, Eric said that, no, he couldn’t because Eric’s two brothers just moved back in. BUT - and I repeat BUT - the lady in the apartment downstairs from Eric is moving out - meaning the apartment is open. It’s $450/month, meaning they can afford it. Eric and Sean are moving in together!!! Eric already has a job, Sean has $200 saved and is getting a job… So it’ll probably work out. ^^ Hopefully this won’t be like last time I posted good news. ><;

I’m so relieved though.. it was getting to a point where I was constantly holding back tears, and I had no one to cry on.. Because you know, if I let Sean see how upset I was, he’d be worried and he already had alot to worry about. And Sandy is in TN, and Katy’s in NJ, and I don’t let other people beside them see me cry so… I don’t believe in a god but I guess things really do work themselves out.

I just find it amusing that the two of them are going to be living together. XD I know every time I’m there Eric will have a different girl hanging out with us XD XD Eric is the manwhore, the Irvine Kinneas, of our lives. He’s also very out there. ^^ But everything is worked out, now basically, so…. SQUEEEEEEEEEE!!! This time I don’t have a cute piccy like Squall in the bunny suit but it should be enough to know I’m happy and Sean’s okay. More later when the shit starts hitting the fan again, ne?

PS - I went to the hotel Job Fair thing today. I ended up waiting 3 hours before I got an interview. Hopefully they call me back and I get the job. If I do I’ll be either prepping food or cleaning rooms. ^^ Sean went job hunting today, too.