Perpetual Smile

So I’m going camping… for a whole week. X.x Which means I’ll be away from Sean…. for a whole week. ;<_>; ..and our 9 month anniversry… ;;<_>;; ….Sucky. He’s supposed to come over sometime today though, so hopefully he will so I don’t lose my mind XD I’m gunna miss him. <.>

Katy came for the weekend, she slept over last night and… she bought me cigs!! She has a magical photo ID!! ^-^ So now I have something to ease the painful stress of being at the most boring place on Earth for a week. There’s all these snobby rich kids from rich towns in CT and they’re all preps and they hate us. ^^ The funny thing is, they don’t know what they’re talking about.. for instance, last year, this girl called me a ‘headbobber’. What the fuck is a ‘headbobber’? I think she meant headbanger, but… really now.. Baka. *sigh* Whatever….

Man.. a whole week…. I might end up killing someone…. o___o *twitch* ….

Ever meet someone, over the internet or something, and just feel… drawn to them? Connected somehow? I’m not sure if I believe in reincarnation, but sometimes I swear I know someone, even if I’ve never met them before. It’s freaky and I don’t like to think about it, but there’s been a few instances. AV. Sean. Yuki. I dunno, maybe I’m losing it.. I never exactly lived in reality…. *shrugs*

On to more happy things!! Um…. I’m bringing ps2 with me as a way to distract myself from homicidal thoughts… and manga. Lots of manga and anime. Yeah, I know, when you go camping your suposed to rough it and be one with nature and all that shit. My grandparents have a trailer and cable and tv, so I’m taking advantage of those wonderful assets.. Anime, video games, and manga are my #1 necessities on long boring vacation things. And cigs. ^-^

Okie, well.. I’m shutting up now. Goodbye for now dear lj and friends, see you all in a week!! And please leave me many pointless comments!! Those are fun!!!

MUAH!!

There’s alot of shit going on.. For one, Sean’s mom is suddenly being a complete bitch. (What else is new? ..She *always* changes her mind.) She keeps threatening to kick him out for no apparent reason and he says she starts fights with him for no apparent reason. He has two months until his family moves to MA, and nowhere to go. He was going to stay with Charlie, but now Charlie and his family might be evicted. So now he has to get a job that will pay for an apartment, car, and gas. o.O; …He’s so stressed out, too. Last night before he went home he was close to tears.. <_> ….There’s nothing I can really do, either, and it sucks ass. I told him I would help him if I could.. All I can do is be there for him if he needs me and try to help him out. (…Must.. find….. job…..) I know what everyone is gunna say, “Don’t help him out with your money” blah blah blah… All i have to say is if he does end up having to get his own place and car, he’ll never afford it on his own, so if we all want a happy Lis, then I’m gunna have to help him out so he doesn’t have to move to MA. I’m thinking maybe he should stay with his dad until he can save enough money for a place and has a car, and then he can move back closer to me. It would only be temporary and it’d be better than him going to MA… But I still wanna slowly torture his mom… She could at least give him some money or help him find a job, but what does she do? Nothing. Tries to convince him to go to MA one day, the next say that he and I can move in with her in MA when we’re ready to move in together, and then the next day threatens to kick him out. It’s not like he’s a horrible kid - I wouldn’t be dating him if he were horrible. He’s a really good guy, a little immature at times and sometimes a little too sensitive, but a *really* good guy and I love him more than anything in this fucked up world. ..And this has turned into a rant, so I’m moving on to the next subject.

Sandy called me last night. *falls over* XD XD XDD She gave me her address and told me to write her a letter. o.O;; Okie-dokie then… ..Meh… But she’s doing okay, so… Whatever floats her stick.

So does anybody have an torture suggestions for me to use on my future mother-in-law? *shudders at the thought* Maybe he and I should get eloped when it comes to that time XD XD XD ….*sigh* Hopefully everything will work out. o_o

I’m so pissed right now… I can’t stand Sean’s mom…. How can she be so horrible to him? I wish to destroy her.. painfully….

*skips off to create plans of DOOM*

…I really hate her. More later.

Happy birthday and congratulations!! See you Saturday.

*is working on Kilik/Maxi*

Alot of shit has happened… I feel sort of lost, really numb, and confused. It’s raining outside, perfect weather for my mood. Really this whole thing just makes me wonder some more. Where do we go when we die? I used to think we go nowhere, but everyone seems to think Yuki is in a better place. Is there really a better place? And what about Devon? Is he there too? And everyone else I knew? …. *is confuzzled* ..Meh… I don’t like thinking about this shit and with Yuki being gone it makes me more confused…. I really don’t blame him, I don’t think he was selfish.. It just makes me sad. Alot of people are gunna miss him. And alot of people are stopping their ljs…. I hope Saul is okay…. I didn’t even know these people.. I stumbled on Isac’s lj just in coincidence…. Was searching for people into yaoi, and his username sort of called out to me….. And now he’s gone, poof, just like that. At least it was his decision and not a sudden, violent, painful death. Still, it’s sad…

I’m back into cutting, too. ;>> And thinking of telling Sean to either put some more effort into this or… I want out. It’s not what I want, but…. if he’s gunna keep taking me for granted and not putting any effort into this….. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. I hate when I feel like this. I don’t know what to believe or where to turn. Sometimes I just want to be like I used to and shut everyone out…. I love him, I really do… but he can be so immature and he just doesn’t meet me halfway….. Sometimes I wonder if this is really who I’m supposed to be with.. Maybe I need a break, ne? I don’t really want one, though…. <_> ….. I dunno. I wish there was some way everything could be okay. Everytime I want to feel happy… I just can’t. I want to be happy. I want to be with Sean. But I don’t know if I can do any of these things. I don’t know how I can be anything. I’m not even sure I mean anything to him anymore, he doesn’t act like it. He supposedly loves me, but never says it. When I say it, I either get a “you too” or “love you too”… He hasn’t said it first in a long time… He used to tell me I’m beautiful and that he loves me.. he doesn’t say those things anymore…. He’s never around.. he never calls me…. If he ever comes over he either ends up falling asleep or ignoring me or acting like a baby…. I’m sick of being taken for granted… <_>;; ……

I don’t know. I feel trapped, by myself I guess.

hachigatsu itsuka doyoubi sora ni kumo wa naku
biru no saijou kai kara kizukeba wakare wo tsugete
hachigatsu mikka mokuyoubi boku no kokoro ni kizu ga
roku do me no kizu zutazuta ni nari subete kowarete shimae subete
deatte hajimete kizuita jibun no orokasa wo
hito wo shinjirarenai mama hito wo kizukete iru to
naze mata boku wa kimi no koto wo korizu ni ai suru no
koushite boku wa ai suru koto wo wasurerarenai you da
demo
shinjiru koto wa shiawaku kizukarenai you ni
hitori de naite ita kimi ni wakaranu you

kore ijou kore ijou wa kizutsukitakunai
demo ima dake wa kimi dake wo ai shite itakatta

wasureyou to shita toki mo aru kedo ima wa dakishimetai

shinjiru koto ga shiawaku kimi no kako wo shitta
wasurerarenai no wa kimi no kata na no ni

kore ijou kore ijou wa kizutsukitakunai
demo kimi dake wo chikara tsuyoku dakishimerarenai

hachigatsu itsuka hareta kumo no nai sora no naka de
mou saigo da ne jimen ni hirogaru jibun wo mitsume

“kimi wo daite” “kimi wo mitsume” “kimi wo aishi” “kimi wo omou”

We’ll miss you, Yuki…

Yuki… please be okay.. don’t die….

Another long boring day of exams done. Hopefully my mom won’t make me go tomorrow, which would be entirely pointless since it’s a full day of nothing to do. That and no one else is going, so I’d be pretty much the only person in my classes. *sighs* I’m kind of pissed at Sean, he’s being sort of an ass… Argh, I’m already halfway there, I should just go completely gay and take over the world!! Mwahahahahaha!! …. o__o ……

Just to let all of you know…. Last night I got into a seriously deep cutting mood and…. I cut all my hair off. So now it’s short, black, and soon to be purple, and this won’t leave any scars. It did get my ass slapped today. No permanent marks, though. And someone asked me for my AIM. Hehe.. Slowly but surely I taking over my school!!!

Now if I could just stop accidently hitting the caps lock button.

This entire weekend I’ve felt like shit, I keep feeling worse and worse as it goes on. I have this really bad feeling in my stomach that won’t go away.

My back is tingling… It had a knot in it and my uncle gave me a massage then my grandfather put this cool/hot stuff on it, similar to Bengay…

Joan: Hehe, been gay…?

Me: Yep… ^-^

Yeah, Joan and Ash came over and hung out with me and Mindy for a bit… I have friends! XD …It’s weird, I’ve been so… social lately, I want to sever my own head!!

Been depressed lately, too… *looks down at arms* x.X

Meh.. Today was science finals.. Easy, sort of.. Monday is my unofficial last day of school… I don’t feel like going on Tuesday for a full day and do nothing.

Squirt is staring at me. o__o

I’m going camping this weekend, leaving tonight… And no, the father person isn’t taking me. *glares* I’m going with my grandparents, cousin, uncle, and sister. -__- I doubt we’ll ever go like my dad said we would. ..Whatever…

Later.