Perpetual Smile

Once again another long exciting day of.. dun dun dun…. nothing. I’ve been awake since 9:30, and that SUCKS!! Yugiou wasn’t even on, some Zolar thing was on instead.. so now I have to wait til Fri to see Jou go to the Shadow Realm… *cries* Nooo…!!!

Anyway… I’ve been feeling like shit lately, it tends to wear on and off, like someone turns on a switch. I also cut myself up a bit.. nothing major though.

I’m just at the point of wondering what the point in anything is. I mean, I love Sean, but…. I dunno. Sometimes I wish he’d just dump me, or vice versa. I guess I’m a loser that will never allow herself to be happy…. STUPID!! Ugh..

And the father person is being super nice and super cool lately.. I guess he’s feeling guilty or something for all the shit he put us through….

Maybe I never should have been released from counceling.. Maybe it was a mistake. …Argh, I’m so fake.. I fooled them into thinking I was okay.. I’m not. I’ll never be okay. I was thinking of all these things last night, I stayed awake just laying there til like 1 am or something… It’s all so pointless. I hate where I live, I hate everyone here, I hate myself pretty often… I just wanna destroy something.. Hmm….

Yeah, this is a really pointless entry, which is why it’s going under the private section, that way no one will read my pointlessness. ….Mwahahahahaha… <—random laugh… I’m gunna go do something.. um…. useful now.. like finish dling my dir en grey mp3s, burn me a cd, then call Sean to see if he’s the one who’s been calling. If he has, then I’ll be pissed ’cause last night he didn’t seem to want to talk to me. I feel like lately no one can stand to be around me. I can’t stand to be around myself.

..Sandy’s leaving in like a week. BITCH!!!!

…..So tomorow we’re going to Laurel Lock.. X_X ..I don’t want to be around him if he doesn’t want to be around me. *severs some random person’s head* …. Last night when I said I had to go, he said ‘bye’ then hung up before I even said bye. -__-; Charlie and Eric were there, too..

ARGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! *goes insane and starts going on a mass killing spree* MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! *blood everywhere*

..Coooool….

Mm.. 85% of Hydra completed… Soon I shall have an entire dir en grey cd!!! Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!

*psychotic spasming, then dies*

Bwahahaha.. I’ve discovered a new j-rock band.. Dir en Grey. Mwahahaha!!!! Right now I’m downloading their MACABRE cd… They’re awesome.. a sort of j-goth band.. You so can’t get any better than that… <3

Today I went job hunting… I dressed up all business-like and nongoth… o.O; …The mall was horrendous… So many people… XP… I may have a shot at two stores.. Bearrin knows the manager of Hot Topic and they’re hiring, so he’s gunna talk to the manager for me… and I applied to Pac Sun, and it seemed really promising… Maybe it’s ’cause I had a positive aura or something… Hehe… *glares* ….And I saw the hot Squall/Seifer looking guy.. Once again he was entire arrogance and such.. trenchcoat and all… I wanna kidnap him and make him my new bestest friend!!! We could like, take over the world together or something!! Just imagine… …. o.O; Bad… very bad… I shouldn’t have been staring at him so… um… yeah… Poor Sean-kun… If he read this he’d probably think I was cheating on him with the arrogant Squall dude… -__-;; ….But one of my worst qualities is that I’m forever loyal to the people I love, even if they treat me like shit (ie Sandy-chan!!) …Meh.. I love Sean way too much to do that to him… <3 …I want that dude as my friend.. *runs to find masamune* This should work… And HT also had the coat thing I want.. $44 that I don’t have!! ..Yet… >___< ….Argh, in my next life I *so* want to be a guy.. I wanna be the most slashy guy around.. I wonder if Sean would still date me if I got a sex-change done? …Meh, probably not… -_-’ …. Eh.. oh well.. I’m gunna go read/write/rp some slash now… *slouches and slinks away*

Got this from Katy’s LJ..

From Go-Quiz.com

Her’s said to stay away from her ’cause of fire or something… I just saw it and I can’t remember.. hehe…
*dumps bucket of cold water on self* WAA!!! *runs around in circles* …. Yeah, Sean came over yesterday.. he brought Charlie with him.. -__-; I don’t like Charlie much.. he’s creepy.. So I was sort of upset because he hadn’t even asked me if I minded Charlie coming.. he did however call and ask my dad if it was ok, so he gets twenty points for that. Then we were sitting around waiting to hear from Dylan, ’cause Charlie had Dylan make a deal.. Dylan just sort of showed up ’cause my sister was on the internet and he couldn’t get through. So the four of us went and smoked a blunt.. ^_^ Whoo-hoo!! Hehe.. I’ve been doing alot of that lately… o.O;; ….Then we were all hanging out at my house.. til about 4:30, then Dylan went home. Charlie kept falling asleep so then he left after a while. FINALLY!! it was just me and Sean… I didn’t mind when Dylan was hanging with us too.. but I was just upset that Charlie came along when I had thought it was just gunna be me and Sean. … la la la… On Monday we’re going to Laurel Lock.. And then in a week or two we’re going *real* camping out in the woods… Hehehe…

Yeah, so.. that was a long update.. I promise the next one will be shorter.. And I’m feeling better.. I think it was the pot.. ^^; Hehe… Well, I’m off to torture the little boys in my dungeon.. Mwahahahaha!!

Okay, I’m not going to pretend anymore. It’s sort of been nagging at me all day.

I’m such a fake. I fake everything. I fake my happiness when on the inside I’m ready to take my lighter and set me on fire. Speaking of lighters… used that last night, went back to the old ways of mr. lighter and mr. safety pin. I didn’t do much, though.. At first I was considering burning LOSER into my arm but… o.o; Guess I’ll never change. I was just out of it last night.. And now I know all of you are going to come after me with sharp pointy spears and impale my sad ass on them…

I really hate myself sometimes. A lot of times. I hate how I snap at people when it’s really not their fault. I hate how I’m so weak and give in to the wonderful mindfuck… And as I sit here and type this I’m wearing the pink bunny ears hoodie… o.O;; ….

I could go on and on about all of this, but I know none of you want to hear it. You’re all gunna be pissed at me. …. On to happy thoughts!! Sean’s coming over tomorrow, and he’s coming with us to Laurel Lock on Monday.. I can’t wait to scare all the little kids.. I remember this one time Sandy and I were walking to Sean’s, way before Sean and I started dating.. It was drizzling a little, and there were these little kids. They were yelling out to us, asking if we were satanists. So we decided to fuck with their numb little minds and said we were. Then we started yelling out, “Satan, give us rain!!” and the kids are scared. ..Well, it starts fucking hailing on us, and the kids start running away, screaming. We were walking and laughing, soaked and getting hit with these freakin hailstones…

Yeah, that story’s pretty pointless, I can’t remember how I got into that. …Meh.. My head hurts.. Wish I still had me some Zoloft so I could have some fun with that.. I feel okay now but I keep getting these flashes of depression… Joy… And they thought I was okay enough to stop counceling.. If you ask me, I should be locked up somewhere. *giggles psychotically* …

Enough of that.. Okay, everyone, reply to this and bitch me out!! You know you want to!!! -_-;

^_^ Today I got to cut up this whole chicken - I think it was the first time a sophomore actually got to do something other than chop parsly or wash dishes… Anyway it was really cool.. there was all this blood and when I cut through the bones it made the coolest crunching sound… Hehehe.. I was saying how when I grow up I should be a serial killer.. and this kid starts backing away from me. It made me laugh. …I also wore this hoodie Sandy gave to me, it’s a pink hoodie with bunny ears and writing on it that says ‘The Pink Nightmare’ and it’s from A Christmas Story. ^_^ The only pink thing I’ve ever worn and will ever wear.. Sandy gave me alot of her clothes… but didn’t give me any of mine.. o.O; ..So she’s really going to TN… and she’s all excited about it , not even sad that she’s leaving her friends and her sister and niece. Also she told me that Bearrin’s mom and his little sisters are gunna help her plan the wedding. Which means I’m totally out of that now, when before I was supposed to help with everything. Everything she said yesterday hurt.. @_@ …Whatever. She didn’t even give me back all the stuff she had.. like Sean’s Nirvana book and Kurt Cobain journals.. >__< ...I will not kill her, I will not kill her, I will not kill her... She also still has my favorite shirt ever.. though she did give me a bunch of clothes... I now have a brand new wardrobe. Argh, and ya know what *really* pissed me off?!?! She gives me these Paco jeans and says to me,"Here, give these to Sean. They were Brandon Rizzo's but there nice and Sean needs nice clothes." 1) Brandon Rizzo is the biggest asshole alive - he's Sandy's ex-boytoy/boyfriend thingy, and Todd Rizzo's brother* ~and~ 2) Sean *hates* Brandon, and Brandon hates Sean. And I hate Brandon and definetely don't want my boyfriend wearing BR's old jeans. 3) She said Sean needs nice clothes. WTF!?!? ....*sigh* ..Bet your all wondering who Todd Rizzo is. Todd Rizzo murdered Sandy's best friend Stanley a few years ago.. Ya shouldn't sleep with your best friend's murderer's brother.. But that's something different. I just can't believe she'd want me to give Sean BR's pants!!! I said there was no way in hell I was giving them to Sean, and she says to me, "Just give them to him, he doesn't have to know they're Bearrin's." *falls over* -__-; Man, I don't even know what to do with her anymore. I just took the damn jeans and now they're on my bedroom floor.. I'll ask him if he wants them but I really doubt it. ...So it feels like she doesn't even care about her old friends anymore. She was telling me about how her friend Mandy wants to go clubbing before she goes to TN.. Mandy is actually Bearrin's friend Jose's girlfriend. She never asked me to do something before she goes away. And get this~ she's going to Daytona after TN, once they've saved enough money. o.O; Lots of 'ouches' on my part, ya know? And she hasn't even called Sean.. they were really good friends way before I even came along, he's all upset that she hasn't bothered to call him. Hmm, this entry went from a humourous thing to a long fucking rant. XD Would someone be willing to whisk me out of this hellhole and away from everyone and to a nice place full of anime and slash? (Sean would have to come too..) Yeah, he's basically the only person here that I know won't hurt me or leave. (Squall-like talk..) Hehe.. the Squall Complex is returning!! Mwahahaha!! ...and look at how much I've written. I shut up now. *dies*

Whoo-hoo! So today was the trip to HH, I had lots of fun ^__________^ We smoked 2 blunts and a bowl.. hehe.. Then I went to Sandy’s, chillaxed there, then came home. Good times, good times… Well, I’m off to do some laundry, my favoritest thing ever!!!! Ja ne~

Another wonderful and fulfilling day in Culinary!! <— Sarcasm… It seemed to go on forever.. I had to fight the urge to hack this one girl’s head off with my chef knife… People can be so immature…. *sighs* ..Anyway, tomorrow is our trip to Holiday Hill.. we’re going with Drafting, Hairdressing, and ProTech. Yeah, we’re gunna have fun.. *evil grin* Can anyone guess what I’m talking about?

Selphie: *rings buzzer* What is marijuana?

… You don’t know what that is!? Oh, the horror!! *passes out* …. Hehe.. Yeah, we’re all throwing in so we can have a bit of fun after smoking ourselves stupid. That and my wonderful friend Laura is buying me cigarettes today. *huggles* I can’t thank her enough.

So, anyway, much fun. Now on to even better things…

The father person is being really.. um… nice lately, and asked Sean if he wants to come camping with us in a couple of weeks!! *falls over* Which means I finally get the romantic night of falling asleep in his arms.. ^_^ ..My dad also asked if he wants to come with us to the campground on Monday for Memorial Day.. Whoo-hoo!! And 4 June will be EIGHT MONTHS for us. ^____^ That’s a really long time…

Oh yeah.. I talked to Sandy yesterday, I’m gunna get our stuff tomorrow when my mom picks me up from school after Holiday Hill (HH). She was really.. um.. mean… and made me feel like shit. *glare*

I’m gunna shut up now, ’cause I’m sure you guys are getting sick of reading my dribble. I’m guessing I should have concluded this at the HH marijuana thing. Later.

*yawn* See my new icon? Isn’t it pretty?! Jou X Seto!! Jou on a leash.. hehe.. *psychotic giggling* ….. Yeah, right now I’m trying to figure out what to do with my site.. I want to change the layout.. but for some odd reason my normally extremely hentai brain can’t think of anything. So any suggestions? I’m going for a slashy theme…

Guess what!? He’s not leaving!!!! Whoo-hoo!! He came over yesterday, and I told him I was gunna try to get a job and help him out with rent and such. He was like, “Why’re you gunna do that? Charlie and I are getting an apartment and splitting the rent.” He also told me his mom is gunna buy him stuff for the apartment - pots, pans, etc. So, yeah, my sanity is saved. ^_^ It was such a relief though when he told me he wasn’t leaving. Charlie annoys me at times, but I can deal with that. As long as Sean stays here and we don’t have to be split apart, I’ll deal with Charlie no matter how much of a crack elephant he can be. XD *loads up elephant gun* And if he doesn’t behave…. ^_~ Hehe..

So things are looking pretty good, besides the fact that Sandy blew me off the other day and never showed up and I fear I’ll never see my things again. *whips out flamethrower* Where is she!? -__- I’m getting so tired of her crap. It’s like she doesn’t even give a damn about her friends anymore, now that she has all her *wonderful* new friends. The friends that lost her her job at Quassy, and the friends that are getting her and Bearrin kicked out of their apartment… Some friends. She hardly ever bothers to call me and *never* bothers to call Sean-kun, so how does she expect to be friends when she’s living all the way out in TN!? I’m thisclose to telling her to bring my, Sean’s, and Lauren’s stuff to my house and to stop talking to her.. It’s not like we talk much anyway. XD

W00t, Katy’s coming to CT today, and we’re gunna be hanging out all weekend. She’s sleeping over tonight, and then tomorrow we’re being dragged to this birthday party for our aunt’s husband. Fun with the family. X_X But at least Lauren, Katy, and I will have each other as allies. Our family is nuts.

DDR showdown!! My friend Angie was telling me about her friend that wants to ddr against me.. She said he’s on standard mode, which means I’ve gotta practice my standard mode more ’cause I’ve only just started moving into standard. And I *hate* typing that word. It confuses me XD. I’ll just type stan mode. *lazyness* …

So I guess I won’t be seeing Sean for another few days, ’cause originally Katy and I were gunna go over there at some point today and toke up, but my mom said we couldn’t go ’cause we’re having cake for my aunt Rikki tonight at my house. Argh, I haven’t smoked in a while, but at least now I’m not as stressed out so it’s not so bad. Before all I wanted to do was smoke myself stupid. But now Sean’s definetely staying so I’m okay. GAA, that was scary. I can’t even imagine being without him. *glomps Sean* Meeee looove yoooouuuu….

I guess this just shows how we shouldn’t take things for granted. *nudges Sandy* Ahem, yes, we shouldn’t take our friends for granted, either…. *nudges Sandy again, she still doesn’t get the picture* ….Dammit.. *summons Diabolus, he does his thing and Sandy gets the picture… maybe…* ….

Okay, well, I’m going to stop typing now, it’s annoying me ’cause I keep hitting the wrong keys. I’m gunna go do something unproductive, such as read some slash or ddr myself to death. ^^ Ja ne~